The Great Prediction Post of 2005.

7:16 pm, February 9, 2005

I'd like to share with you my afternoon at work, if you don't mind. Lunch started at 12:15 and ran until 1:00 (only supposed to be a half hour). Then, I went in the back and took a nap for 40 minutes. I've got it down to a science so I don't FULLY go into sleep mode so I don't get caught, but I also get really refreshed. Now, it's 1:40, and I'm still in the back "breaking down boxes and dumping checks" so I decide to do a little writing. This is what I came up with:

Colin - The Vers has a heart attack twelve years down the line from bottling in all his hatred of the world. What sets him over the edge are a few choice words from Kon. During the ensuing wrestling match, The Vers dies on the spot clutching his heart. His last words, "Fuck you Kon" waft in the air along with all the rage that's been bottled up inside over the decades.

Sarah - In an effort to get back at all of us "Douchebag Fuckwads" who called her Big Sarah in college, Sarah goes on an all-out eating binge for a year, gaining over three hundred pounds, in an attempt to make us "eat our words." The plan backfires when Steve and Kon can't decide between "Tiny" and "Big Fat Fatty" as her new nickname. Kon and Steve are later found bound and gagged with the blubber liposuctioned out of Tiny crammed in their mouths. Kon and Steve are still alive, but they'll rue the day they ever settled on the nickname "Really Big Fat Fatty."

Eddie - Sees the funniest thing he's ever seen and laughs so hard and loud he blows out his eardrums. To his dying day, he avoids all mirrors.

Mark - Deciding to pay homage to his beloved Steelers, Mark visits Pittsburgh for a playoff game. In their ninth consecutive AFC championship game, they once again lose to the eventual 11-time Super Bowl Champion (including a streak of 10 in a row) New England Patriots. So, Mark decides to fly on down to Disney World. He becomes implicated and eventually convicted of the homicide drowning of Tom Brady during The Pirates of the Caribbean ride. Heinz Field erects a statue in Mark's honor, but the Steelers never reach the playoffs again. The Curse of the Sloane Boy never breaks as cheaters never prosper.

Caitlin - After graduation, Caitlin starts her new life as a full-time Pearl Jam groupie. As the years pass and the obsession intensifies, restraining orders and extra security are required to stop the menace. Under such turmoil, feeling this was not what they got into rock music for, the band decides to retire rather than live their lives in fear of this lone madwoman. Not realizing, in her maniacle state, what just happened, she decides to pay a visit to Eddie Vedder's estate in hopes of some reconsideration. A 57-hour police stand-off ensues, with them finally breaking down the door only to find a flute crammed down Vedder's lifeless corpse-throat (Later Pearl Jam albums, incidently, heavily feature Vedder on flute - a point of contention among bandmates, considering Stone Gossard had been vying to become the group's flautist for decades to no avail) and the murderer mysteriously vanished. Later, Caitlin pays a visit to four more houses.

Andrés - Punches Steve one too many times while drunk. Steve avoids him for ten years while lifting weights every day in hopes of one day kicking some ass. Ten years go by and Steve invites Andrés to a party. On the way there, Andrés gets hit by a bus. Steve would laugh, but his massive pecks prohibit too much lung-movement. Instead, he triumphantly rips off his shirt and all the babes in the room orgasm at the exact same time. Steve then ejaculates the words, "Suck It Andrés" all over Andrés' mother's naked breasts at the funeral.

Megan - Marries David Michael Manni and they have seven children. Three boys, four girls, seven braided heads.

Pete - Decides to marry Jessica after seven years of "Going steady with my number one gal." He realizes it's a huge mistake when Jessica's true traits start coming out. With the house a constant shambles, dirt and moldy food, and the odor of foot-sweat permeating throughout, solely at the hands of his messy bride, and unable to juggle the time between work and house-cleaning, Pete decides to stick it out and hire a maid. Upon mating and figuring out that slovenliness is a recessive gene, Pete takes all his money from the slush fund he started upon joining the firm and moves to a small town outside Portland, Oregon, where he spends the rest of his days drinking the finest beer and oggling the finest strippers Oregon has to offer.

Juli - Decides to leave Colin after eight years of marriage due to Irreconcilable Tofu Differences. Upon discovering Colin finds someone, somehow, quickly off the rebound, Juli decides to take her mind off of it by learning karate. Upon achieving her black belt in record time, she pays Colin a visit to "Kick his new bitch's ass." At first, Colin's turned on by this. That's when Juli pulls out a barbecue chicken tender and forces it down Colin's throat, massaging his neck to make sure it goes all the way in. They are able to reconcile their differences, as they begin to associate fighting and red-meat with sex. Juli kicks people's asses once a week; Colin gobbles down some sausage dogs; and the rest is a bloody, greasy mess of lovin'.

Nate - Marries a super model and lives happily ever after. ... Until some unexplained urge to strangle her while she sleeps, snapping her neck in half and drinking the warm, satisfying blood squirting out of her aorta, overwhelms him to the point of temporary insanity. He curses his damned primal urges, but all is not lost. Nate marries again, this time to a man named Brutus in Walla Walla State Prison. And they live happily ever after ... until ...

Bianca - Midget Porn.

Matt - Metabolism and healthy ankles start to fail Matt as he's gunned down by a rabid Seahawks fan after a particularly brutal playoff overtime loss to the Packers in Seahawks Stadium. With the doctors saying he'll never walk again, Matt sets his sights on the newly formed "No Asians Allowed Hot Dog Eating Championship." After gaining so much weight that walking for a non-cripple wouldn't be feasible, a cure for 87 bullets to the ankles is found. The irony does not escape the rabid Seahawks fan, who sits and laughs in front of his computer after reading about the medical breakthrough.

Jessica - Alone, supporting two kids, and crushed to find Megan already snapped up David Michael Manni, Jessica is forced to ride the rails as a hobo and strip for a living. One day, a year and a half later, she feels a drunken hand slipping what appears to be a Monopoly $20-bill into her G-String and turns around to find Peter! In one fell swoop, she kicks him squarely underneath the chin and is thrown out of the establishment without pay. She tries to contact the police in the matter, to force Peter into paying child support, but no one by the name of Peter Altman exists in the state of Oregon. Peter Altman died of a "drug overdose" 18 months prior. Only Lance Peteman remains.

Kon - After failing out of graduate school, what with being on a constant poontang trail for the four years he attended, Kon finds a strange growth around his groin area. He goes to the doctor to check it out only to discover 57 different strains of venereal disease in his body. Dismayed at the knowledge, he decides to go to Vegas. He puts all his money on Double Zero and hits. In his drunken insanity, he lets it ride (mostly at the goading of a similarly drunken Steve who repeatedly calls him a "Pussy-Nannigan") and defies all odds by hitting again. This prompts Kon to sober up a bit and make a slightly lower wager on 18-Black. He hits again and again and again. For the rest of the night, Kon builds his fortune; he never loses. Finally he has enough money to be satisfied and he flies back to Wisconsin where he went to grad school. With half of his money, he hires multiple assassins to hunt down and kill the hoes who gave him VD. With the other half, he buys the best lawyers in the world and goes free. With his newfound celebrity after "The Trial of the 21st Century," the Democrats, desperate for a victory, decide to run Kon against Arnold Schwarzenegger in his third presidential re-election bid (the Republicans of both House and Senate having repealed the 22nd Amendment in order to achieve a full stranglehold on a quasi-dictatorship of the United States of America; as well as the law stating the President had to be born in America, thereby ensuring The Terminator's succession into the Presidency). Kon wins in a landslide. During his Inaugural Address, a crazed gunman later identified as Escaped Convict: Nathan Myles Long shoots Kon in the head Book-Suppository style. When asked why he did it, Long responds, "I won't have any damned Russians running my country!" Rednecks everywhere rejoice their new fallen martyr. Vice President Steve ascends to the Presidency and decrees the permanent legalization of all drugs and forms of prostitution. He then decrees that the Congress is hereby abolished, as well as the Judicial system. President Steve then flexes his muscles and all his clothes tear off in shreds. Mass hysteria ensues as the rampage of hot chicks overwhelms him. In his final act as president, President Steve decrees the establishment of Communism, citing "This is what Kon would've wanted."

Current Mood: It's all right, I'm jumpin' jack flash, it's a gas gas gas
Current Music: James Brown - It's A Man's Man's Man's World

ohsopeachie
2005-02-11 01:50 am UTC
HAHAHA. I thoroughly enjoyed that...minus the DM^2 thing. Best entry to date!

(Anonymous)
2005-02-11 03:15 am UTC
all I can say is WOW
Sarah

The Greatest Post in Livejournal History
(Anonymous)
2005-02-11 03:59 am UTC
If my life happens any other way now, it's gonna be a huge disappointment. Besides, I'm sure they'll have a cure for VD soon enough. As for Jessica, she'll probably try to seduce DM^2 anyway when they randomly meet in the Couve after Jessica can't find work in Oregon.

my future sucks (no pun intended)
(Anonymous)
2005-02-13 07:55 pm UTC
two words? i only get two words? not to mention a combination not worth calling home about. now i understand how you truly see my attributes of a little less than average stature and baby-making skills summed up in two heinous words that will defy my future. thanks for the time, steve, but hopefully there are better things in store for me. but man, if you're right, you have total life-long privledges of never letting me live it down (the 21st century nostradamus).

Re: my future sucks (no pun intended)
(Anonymous)
2005-02-13 08:01 pm UTC
defy=define
(remember: science major- don't know how to kree-ate sen-tan-ses and youse big wwords)
~b.

Bianca and Verne Troyer sitting in a tree ...
dunderhead99
2005-02-13 11:59 pm UTC
Hahahahaha

Bianca! I'm sorry; you ALMOST had double the words, but I thought the whole "Two Words:" prefix to the "Midget Porn" has been done to death.

See, the thing is, I HAD a whole other scenario for you, but then I got to looking at the post as a whole and, well, it was getting cluttered. See, now, I don't know what they like to call it in the literature community, but there's this . . . fucking . . . idea or something, where when you're writing a paragraph, you don't want to use the same length sentences all the time. You want to break it up with shorter sentences. Like this one. And then you can go off with your huge compound deal; bringing in semi-colons . . . semi - Colins? . . . and ellipses and all that. It's pretty sweet, really. And, you know, yours came in a point in the paper where a nice short one was necessary (oh, now, don't take that as another short joke . . . although, had that been my plan, making yours the shortest entry as you happen to be the shor- ... GENIUS! I'm a mad freaking genius).

And, by the way, it's not ME who's obsessing over your baby-making skills. Besides, I hear you can make quite the living in the midget porn (they prefer to call it "Height-Challenged Fuck-Romps") industry. However, if you like, I do have the alternate Bianca future, if you should choose to accept it. The only real reason why I chose to cut it in favor of the ... GENIUS, is because it's buckfutting long, but here we go:

Bianca - Retired from baseball and unable to accrue any decent hitting-coach positions for reasons blatantly obvious, Dan Wilson hits the sauce pretty hard. Bianca, having given up on the midget porn game in favor of her true life-long passion - Little League Softball Umpiring - notices an agitated Wilson arguing with his wife in the stands, OE 800 bottle protruding haphazardly through the opening of his brown paper bag spilling the precious liquid all over the other parents of the children on the field. Bianca hates to do this, but she's forced to kick Wilson out of the park in order for play to resume. Wilson refuses to leave and a good ol' shouting and shoving match ensues. Chests bump (well, figuratively speaking), spittle flies, hats are flung to the ground and dirt is kicked with reckless abandon in each other's direction. In the heat of the argument, their eyes lock, and in an instant they go from bitter rivals to lip-locked adulterers. Wilson's wife wins custody of the house, kids, and a sizable chunk of his baseball earnings. Dan and Bianca flee to China where Bianca's baby-making skills are put to the true test. Since they're unable to live on the millions Wilson made in baseball, they're forced to work as mailmen. As we all know, mailmen don't make the kind of dough in China as they do here, so Bianca and Dan rely on the one-child limit tax credits and cash bonuses they receive from the government for complying to their birth control efforts. However, Dan and Bianca can't stop doing it, and as Dan resolutely refuses to permit abortions, Bianca is forced, each time she becomes impregnated, to take her living child and drown it in the well behind the house. Mostly, they're just babies of a year old, so they go down pretty easily. It gets a little hairy when Bianca gets pregnant for the 13th time and is forced to drown their 7 year old. Luckily, Bianca becomes adept at using the numchucks. Dan never suspects a thing.