I Got A Head And An Arm In A Garbage Can.

See, I KNOW I'm ready for monogamy; I've been watching the same four or five porn clips for YEARS.

As promised, I bring you the long-awaited Guns N' Roses post.

G N' F'ing R.

There was once a parody group called Buns N' Noses, had a song called Atlantic City. The lyrics went as follows:

"Take me down to Atlantic City
Where the girls are pretty and they got big . . . feet." And it was sung by some old dudes on Mtv during Guns N' Roses' hayday. I dunno, I guess you had to be there.

For a while there, I figured that Aerosmith was my favorite band of all time. I've loved 'em since about 1988 and they were the first band where I actively sought to buy all their albums. But, the way I see it, Guns N' Roses was the first band where I followed them from the beginning and couldn't get enough of. The very first cassette I ever had my parents buy for me was Appetite For Destruction. This was also in 1988 I believe, so their monster debut had already been out for a year; but I'd been watching them on Mtv daily. Not long after that, Lies came out and I had that as soon as I could afford it.

Everyone defines Guns N' Roses by their debut. It's sold 14+ million records making it one of the greatest debut albums of all time, not to mention THE best in the last 25 years easily, maybe even earlier than that. Most really good bands you've heard of don't start too strongly. Let's list the best debut marquee albums of all time, in order:

The Doors - The Doors
Led Zeppelin - I
Jimi Hendrix Experience - Are You Experienced?
Pearl Jam - Ten
Lynyrd Skynyrd - (pronounced' lêh-'nérd skin-'nérd)
Sex Pistols - Never Mind The Bollocks, Here's The Sex Pistols

Now, think about all the greatest artists and bands, the list of marquee albums that AREN'T debut albums is astonishing (this be in no particular order):

U2 - The Joshua Tree (though, I prefer War)
Van Halen - 1984
Beatles - Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band
Beach Boys - Pet Sounds
Bob Dylan - Highway 61 Revisited
Cream - Disraeli Gears
Creedence Clearwater Revival - Cosmo's Factory
Pink Floyd - Dark Side of the Moon
Rolling Stones - Sticky Fingers
Santana - Abraxis (I ain't buying that Rob Thomas piece of garbage)
The Who - Who's Next
Elton John - Goodbye Yellow Brick Road
AC/DC - Back in Black
Black Sabbath - Paranoid
Metallica - Metallica
Smashing Pumpkins - Mellon Collie & The Infinite Sadness
Red Hot Chili Peppers - Blood Sugar Sex Magik
Radiohead - OK Computer
Nine Inch Nails - The Downward Spiral
Nirvana - Nevermind
Soundgarden - Superunknown
Alice In Chains - Dirt
Weezer - Pinkerton (ohh, that one's just for you Kon)

Now, I'm here to say that the Guns N' Roses debut was very fucking solid. Lies was a suitable bridge album. But, where they truly shined was on the double album, separately-released Use Your Illusion I and Use Your Illusion II. These albums, released on the same day, may not have the mass appeal of "Sweet Child O Mine" or the overuse of "Welcome to the Jungle" or even the frantic craziness/catchiness of "Paradise City" (which, mind you, are the three best songs and, it could be argued, make up the ONLY great songs on this debut album that outshines all others released after by this band); but they're not going for a re-tread here.

The Illusion albums, 30 songs strong, seek to challenge everything they've grown accustomed to in the rock/metal genre. They're not just metal songs with a few requisite ballads. They're blues-based hard-rock songs consisting of a multitude of tempo-changes and style diversions. You've got no less than three people singing lead (though Axl still handles the bulk, approximately 25 or 26 songs) with lots of layered singing, layered guitars, layered sounds. Plus, fuck man, Axl is the greatest rock-singer of all time. His range is unmatched (though, don't try to listen to them live, because his voice is shit on stage). You've got one of the greatest rock guitarists of all time at the helm; and one of the most distinctive bass players around.

Plus, what I like is they challenge the listener. You've got six songs clocking in at over 7 minutes. Plus, you've got 12 fucking singles! Well, 12 videos (though, to be fair, there are two versions, with alternate lyrics, of Don't Cry).

There's a reason why they toured on these albums for two years straight. There's a reason (aside from the onstage antics and riotous crowds) that they'd sell out every show in their prime. There's a reason why they still make headlines today even though it's just Axl and a band of misfits. There's a reason why "Chinese Democracy" is the most anticipated album of all time (aside from the 13+ year gap between studio releases).

Because this band, from 1987 to 1993, was the biggest thing on the planet. They spoke to the common man. They put out nothing but the best. They survived the initial surge of Grunge-Music emergence and could've persevered (had they not gone on the hiatus and later broken up). Everyone into rock music knew every member of that band.

And, just because they fizzled out, and because Axl went insane, and because they no longer have Slash or Duff or Izzy (possibly the core of the musical talent, though we'll see what Axl can manage to do essentially on his own, by his lone leadership), they're mocked and forgotten. Mockgottened.

Well, I'm hoping this year Axl finally puts out the album and proves everyone wrong. I'm hoping it's even better than the Illusion albums.

I'm just hoping it doesn't tarnish the memory I have as them being the greatest fucking band the world's ever known