In fact, let's go ahead and make this the movie post.

I've seen quite the number of movies in recent days. Most released in 2004.

Shaun of the Dead. OK, this one's gonna be hard to review, as I smoked a bowl before and during and barely made it to the end. Let me tell you, this movie's fucked up when you're high. There are these seemingly extended shots of Shaun just walking around, going to the café or whatnot, and all around him he's completely fucking unaware of all the chaos going on around him. ((I'd like to give an aside here, if I may. The dude at Blockbuster, when I rented this, said it was refreshing that there was a return to the slow-moving zombies in this movie, rather than the speed-freaks in 28 Days Later. Then he goes off on this huge explanation of how the director of this movie is collaborating with the guy who made some really famous Zombie movie in the past and yadda yadda yadda. It appears to me, having been in Blockbuster and now Silver Platters - the CD store - the clerks they hire will not just talk your ear off, but they ACTUALLY know what the fuck they're doing. Like, you can give the dude at Silver Platters a name of a band like Godspeed You Black Emperor, and they'll rattle off two or three other bands who sound just like them. Seriously, come to Renton if you want to know where the smartypants are)). All in all, I give Shaun of the Dead 3 out of 5 . . . butts. Yes, that's my scale. Butts. Shaun of the Dead gets 3 butts. That means it's average good. The movie that gets 5 butts has to be OUT of its mind awesome. And, was it just me, or when they were at the pub, and Queen came on the jukebox, were they all hitting the zombie with their shovels at the same time, in tune with the beat of the song? It was about that time I thought I was losing it.

Napoleon Dynamite - Now, I was completely sober for this one. I wanted to get the full experience without any chemical interruption (perhaps I should've reviewed this first, to go along with a linear-type theme, whatever). Well, you know how it is with big build-up for movies. Let me just say this, I REALLY enjoyed the characters. Although, that uncle was kind of an ass and I REALLY hoped he was getting more than a broken arm. The little girl from Waterworld and Corrina Corrina who grew up to play Deb . . . Deb. GOD, that's such a shit name. Nevermind. Sarah, that WOULD'VE been a pretty boss Halloween costume. You could've riffed with that dude who dressed up as Napoleon. Anyway, it's hard to review Napoleon Dynamite without mentioning all these catch phrases people keep using. I don't know how much I'd actually adopt, because I enjoy swearing too fucking much. I do particularly enjoy the line, "Do you dare me to go over and talk to her?" I think I'm gonna have to use that one. And the milk line too. "I see you're drinking 1%. Is that because you think you're fat? Because, you could drink WHOLE milk." I'm giving this one 3 butts too; but I'm gonna have to watch it again this week before I take it back (no late fees, you fuck! Keep it FOREVER!)

Sex, Lies, & Videotape - Steven Soderbergh is the director (Oceans 11, Traffic, Erin Brockovich); Peter Gallagher (The O.C.), Andie MacDowell (Groundhog Day), James Spader (Stargate, Boston Legal, the last season of The Practice), Laura San Giacomo (Just Shoot Me) all act in this groundbreaking indie flick before indie flicks were Tarrantino huge. This movie's pretty deep, but it's enthralling. You've got a man who cheats, a wife who doesn't like sex, a man who is for all intents and purposes impotent, and another woman who's a serial fornicator. This isn't a movie you can only see once and discard, nor can you just fluff your way through this without paying attention like I did, because now I gotta go back and watch it again. I'm gonna say 4 out of 5 butts right now, but that's just a preliminary judging. If I watch it again and it doesn't resonate the same way, it gets 3. If it blows my mind, knowing what I know, who knows, it may get 5.

Sideways - Like I said, this movie RULES this SCHOOL. I don't know if I want to give it 5 butts yet, because there are certain parts they're just BEATING the theme over your head with. Like, why Paul Giamatti loves this certain kind of wine. Yeah, I get it, the wine's representative of his character. Seriously, though, Paul Giamatti is a 5-Butt actor. Everything that guy's in automatically gets a HUGE upgrade. Let's rundown his movie list, shall we?

American Splendor (I'm telling you, that movie is mad-freaking-fantastic); Man on the Moon (Andy Kaufman biopic, plays his partner in comedy crime); The Negotiator (Samuel L. Jackson flick); The Truman Show (not a huge part, scratch that); Howard Stern's Private Parts (quite possibly his second best role outside of American Splendor).

Of course, like many actors, he's made a lot of pieces of crap (Big Fat Liar, Planet of the Apes, Duets, Big Momma's House). Oh, hey, would you look at that, he's even in the movie Singles. That's FAR from a piece of crap, but I bet you the movie'd be enhanced with being more than the "Kissing Man."

But, I'll tell you one thing about Sideways. The movie-going experience surely gets 5 butts. Check it out, I saw a preview, well it wasn't really a preview, rather a teaser-trailer, for a movie coming out in May. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. OK, get this, the dude who played Willow (shittiest movie of ALL time) is a voice in this movie. The hot girl from Elf is in it; Sam fucking Rockwell's in it (Confessions of a Dangerous Mind); MOS DEF plays an alien!!! Jesus, this movie's gonna have it ALL!!!!!! Plus, a bunch of random British actors no one gives a flying fuck about, but will probably be really good in it.

Oh yeah, and of course, there was like 7 other people in the theater at the time. Sure beats going to see Hitch in three fucking theaters with a bunch of 13 year olds all getting more action than me on Valentine's Day. Ahh, but it's over now. Time to get on with life.

Besides, I won't be stuck with these Heart-Shaped Pubes for the rest of my life