So, I finally snapped. I can only take so much verbal abuse before I just go off. Look, all I want to do is run in peace - I even wear headphones so I can block out any potential snide remarks. But, when they start mocking me through mime and laughing as they point out my slowness, that's when I lumber up to them, midway through my 6th lap, kick them square in the groin, knocking them back five feet, while yelling, "That's right, little three year old! Next time you won't be such a smartass!"
Of course, taking away a three year old's ability to ever have children doesn't happen without some consequences. His older brother, I'm gonna say he was six, was riding his bike and riding up my ass pretty fast. After striking me in the shin, knocking me temporarily to my knees, I didn't think too much of it. But, when his 250 pound momma came a-chugging after me like Warren Sapp, I got a little concerned. Just as I made it to my feet, she leapt into the air, huge double-d breasts flopping against each other and around again, like a couple of blubbery propellers. I was slammed to my back with a crunch. No, that wasn't my spine, although all that weight couldn't have been good for it. Nope, that was her knee, the radius of a 25 pound barbell weight, heading for a course and connecting with my nutsack.
I was pretty powerless as she continued the pummelling with a series of loud shrieks and even louder ham-like fists to my face. She stradled me, essentially pinning me to the track. My only course of action: grab one of those titties through her XXXL t-shirt and squeeze it with all the power I could muster, popping it like a neglected whitehead. The force of the goo shooting out blew a hole through her shirt, covering me from chest to the top of my head in the most ungodly smelling foulness you'd ever want to experience.
The pain was too much for her and she passed out, with her melon colliding with mine. I was momentarily dazed, but I recovered in time to roll her off of me and make tracks for home.
As I walked through the front door, I took a spiderweb to the face. Then, I was REALLY mad ...
Current Mood: These Moods Suck, I write the B-Sides
Current Music: MC (Fuck ME) Hammer - Pray (The crappy rap will never end!)
ohsopeachie
2004-05-25 12:51 am
"My only course of action: grab one of those titties through her XXXL t-shirt and squeeze it with all the power I could muster, popping it like a neglected whitehead."
Eww, Steve.
mikhiel
2004-05-26 12:55 am
I happen to think it's a very powerful simile.
dunderhead99
2004-05-26 02:15 am
Much thanks, Mikhiel