You know, it's never easy being the fat fucking kid..

1:39 am, June 28, 2004

Go watch Bad Santa. It's not necessary in understanding the following, but it's a useful visual aid.

There's this kid in the movie, name's Thurmon Murmon. Yes, that IS a funny fucking name. And, he's as weird as his name, too. His dad is out, "Exploring Mountains" (euphemism for prison for embezzling or something), his mom is dead, and he lives with his Grandmother who's whacked out of her gourd. Not only is his name Thurmon and the perm-like hair on his head resembles shaggy pubes, but he's quite rotund (another euphamism, for a huge fat ass). And he gets picked on. A LOT. Mercilessly, by a pack of punks. Don't worry, I won't give anything away. It just got me to thinking about my own childhood.

When you're huge and you're alone, it's not unlike the experience ol' Thurmon has (although, I was never forced into a group-wedgie). You're unable to defend yourself. You're 10 years old, you weigh more than everyone in your class and you know this because the fucking P.E. teacher takes it upon herself to weigh everyone in the class in the twice-yearly phyisical check-up, which means everyone ELSE knows it too. There may be other chunky kids in the class, but YOU are the fatest of them all. Not only are you fat, but you suck at touching your toes, you get huge pains in your sides when you run a 40-yard dash, you suck at juggling, and you'd rather walk around the gym for an hour than risk taking your shirt off and getting in the pool for what can only be considered play time. Gotta love grammar school physical education.

Never finished a mile without stopping for a walk. Always came in last for the damn thing except for the times when the star athlete had to make the trek around the track on crutches (not because he had to, mind you, but because he wanted the challenge). Then, you figure, hey, I'm big, I'll make an excellent offensive lineman in football. You try out and you find you're STILL the slowest guy, and you're not even the heaviest anymore. Talk about a boon to the ol' ego.

So, you have to sit there and take all their shit. You don't have lunch in the lunch room because that's where the fuckers eat. You'd rather walk around the school for 30-45 minutes with one of the few people who won't hold your weight against you. That's the trick, finding those few people, those four or five, who just don't care. That, and shutting everything else in the world out of your life. That means, no extra-curriculars. You go to school, you split directly after school, no passing GO, no collecting 200 dollars. You don't go to dances, you don't go to sporting events. High school is strictly for learning, and if there was anyway around that, you find it.

Likewise, you don't try to make new friends. There were plenty of people I could talk to during the school day, but only a select few I could call and can still call my friends. My favorite place in the entire world was my bedroom, door locked, music blasting. That's what you do, you take all your anger out on your eardrums. Once your ears are sufficiently ringing, you're ready to go out and get shitted upon. Having a Walkman always helped, still does as far as I'm concerned. It's the best way to ignore people short of holding a clipboard with a petition on it.

Of course, shutting people out also cost me two years of university social life. It's kinda hard to give a damn when you've just spent the first 18 years of your life as the outcast. What's two more years?

So, yeah, you can say I've changed a lot since high school. You still never forget growing up as Thurmon Murmon. And, for all the time I cracked up watching Bad Santa ("After I get done with you, you won't shit right for a WEEK."), I still couldn't help feeling like shit. Especially since now I'm less like Thurmon and more like Willie, except I don't bang the fat chicks like he does. Who knows, though? I probably WILL end up as an alcoholic mall-santa who pisses himself daily, cursing at little kids, banging the hell out of fat chicks. Doesn't sound so bad. I'll get to wear a beard! And a jolly red hat! And I'll have a dwarfy best friend!

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2004-06-30 08:31 am UTC
was one cool fat kid.