My VMA Experience. I watched for 3 and a half hours so you wouldn't have to.

12:00 am, August 30, 2004

No, it is NOT gay to still be watching the Video Music Awards. It's the one time it's socially acceptable (in my book) to listen to all the garbage I've been ignoring all year. Hey, I said it's NOT gay! Just like it's not gay to watch Usher take his shirt off and ... STOP READING THIS!!!

Where is my Chris Rock? Will Smith is not funny anymore, J-Lo has NEVER been all that relevant, and God Damn, don't give me that tall white guy who plays Shaggy in the Scooby Doo movies! He's a NOBODY. I'd even take the lowly Jamie Foxx or Waynes Brothers over these douche bags.

Shaq is still a huge fucking idiot. Miami will NEVER win a championship with him.

Beyonc� can NOT look bad, ever. Jay-Z, just let me switch bodies with you for, like, an hour. (Yeah, like I could even LAST an hour with Beyonc�. But, that's like 15 times with two minutes of cuddling each time)

I got 99 PROBLEMS, but a bitch ain't one. Best Rap Video, yes!

Good plan on getting rid of the crap-rock early and together, Jet and Hoobastank, not very quality bands. Jet, stop trying to be a poor man's Strokes. Hoobastank, stop trying to be a poor man's Journey.

What the FUCK is Yellowcard doing there? Oh, I forgot they had to get their quota in for shitty punk bands who all sing about the same things: "Oh, I can't get a woman, so I'm gonna write you a really lame song with really crappy three-chord guitars, play it really loudly so you can't tell how much we DON'T rock, but to be different and fresh and new-sounding, we're gonna have a violin player." Yeah, you know who has the same message without being all loud about it? Country musicians. Only, you know, they're trying to get with their cousins/mothers instead of the girl next door.

P. Diddy, you are NOT a fucking punk rocker. Mohawks only look cool on me and Mr. T. (The Vers would have a cool one too if he would have nutted up and actually shaved AROUND the rooster-top.)

Yes! My dad bought me more foot-long Polish smoked-sausage dogs. Oh, that has nothing to do with the VMA's, but you know, occasionally I like to bite down on a Cajun-flavored wiener and ... I SAID STOP READING THIS!!!

Jon Stewart, no one who watches the VMA's actually cares about your politically-charged smart-boy humor. Key demographic: 14 year old girls (my apologies to Eddie, I didn't mean to lump you in there with Kon).

Queen Latifah, go back to rapping. U-N-I-T-Y! No more boring suck-fests with Steve Martin, PLEASE.

Dig it, leave the live rapping to Kanye West and tell all punk-ass bustas to shove it at the door.

Is that Aretha Franklin oh, that's Chaka Kahn, wrong robust soul singer ...

Jessica Simpson, if it weren't for your hooters, there would be NOTHING hot about your upcoming performance. Luckily, that's why remotes have Mute buttons.

You know what's one good way to pass the time during those insane five minute commercial breaks every 10 minutes? Family Guy videos on my computer. Family Guy videos and Porn. Lots and lots of porn.

Hey! Christina is WHITE again. But ... she's in Miami right now ... have I just fallen into BIZARRO world?

Usher, don't try to do my Lil' Jon impression! (WHAT? YEAH! OKAY!) Lil' Jon, DON'T try to do my Lil' Jon impression!!! What did I JUST tell Usher???

Carson Daly, you're even boring on your home turf of MTV.

YES!! BOO THE BUSH DAUGHTERS!!! WHORES!!! DIE!!! Who wants to vote when there's titties and alcohol to be HAD tonight at the After-Parties? Leave your agendas at the door.

Oh God, Lenny. We're runnin' AWAY FROM YOUR MUSIC. Go back to the 60's and find a new musical genre to steal from. At least you lost the androgynous haircut.

Who's the dead man who decided to give Alicia Keys an award over Beyonc�? My bitch-slapping gloves are on and ready to attack.

Damn, Sarah Jessica Parker looking FINE in the Lenny Kravitz Gap ad. Who says aging movie stars over 40 can't have sweet asses in pale-butt jeans? Oh ... that's right; SEE: Madonna Gap ad. Seriously, there should be a ban on hot celebrities having babies. Thank you Jennifer Aniston. When you're 50 and out of the public eye, THEN you can welcome the stretch-marks and saggy granny titties.

Dave Chappelle! Why didn't YOU host this year??? Fuck, MTV, open up the fucking POCKET BOOK!

You know, it's been 80 minutes and still no Britney Spears sighting. What, she doesn't have some Children's book to whore to the masses? Oh, wait, she DOES! Why isn't she THERE, shaking some bare ass in the name of Children's entertainment?

Ying Yang Twins, I can't understand you. Enunciate! Maybe if every other word wasn't a curse word, maybe if ALL the words weren't yelled into the mike, maybe if you were Snoop Dogg and Eminem, THEN we'd give a damn. Just put Lil' Jon's beats over Lil' Jon yelling a bunch of new one-word catch phrases for three minutes, and leave all the other fuckbags out of it. That would be tits!

Oh no you DIDN'T. Please, when they do "Lean Back", don't show a bunch of white frat boys doing the dance. You don't see black guys sucking cock during Hoobastank's "The Reason" do you?

Funny how, when she's presenting, Gwen Stefani never has the band with her. Maybe it's because her back's hurtin' from having to carry all those losers for the last decade.

Hoobastank! That is NOT ROCK! Evenescence. That is NOT ROCK, YOU STUPID BITCH! Linkin Park, go the FUCK AWAY!!! Oh please, The Darkness, PLEASE GIVE THEM THE AWARD!!! Aww shit, Jet. You stupid sell-out fuckers. Here, let me pull a standard guitar riff out of my ass and dress like a straight-version of the Village People. You're missing your fucking Indian you soon-to-be has-beens!

Oh come on now! Two years in a row with the Olsen Twins? No one cares about your God-damned coke addiction, you anorexic fuck! You're not funny, you're not musicians, you can't act, you look like two fucking elves, and what's this? You're introducing an equally talentless hack? Jessica Simpson, you're not funny, you're not a musician, you can't act. Look into porno, it will help you utilize your only talent (which incidentally got you into both the music and acting business): sucking cock.

Good Charlotte with D-12. Wait, that's not D-12, that's a bunch of hangers-on minus the only reason anyone gives a FUCK about them.

Product placement? On an MTV program? The same network that fuzzes out Nike ads in Rappers' videos because they don't want to promote products during their videos? Fuck, MTV, what's next? Letting the winners promote their upcoming albums/video games? Oh, wait, that's right. Stick it in a little further up my kiester. No one rapes the youth of their money like you money-grubbing fucks.

Sigh, Al Sharpton. WHY? Why denigrate your image further? I mean, you were SO CLOSE to the presidency this year!

Jimmy Fallon (the only man in Miami at the moment who CAN'T get a tan), outside of SNL, where you can't HELP but laugh at all your own lame jokes and the other actors during the sketches, you will NEVER make it. Queen Latifah, I'll return to you. You are the hottest Plus-Sized woman around. Delta Burke has NOTHING on you.

Hip Hop video award vs. Rap award. Talking redundancy here. Why not put Outkast and Kanye West in the REAL award slot and throw away the crap?

Andre 3000, the coolest mother focker on the planet. Big Boi, ride those coat-tails! You may be keepin' it real, but Ice Cold is the real talent there. Andre is the better half and he DOESN'T even smoke the chiba. Big Boi, how about a little less ganja and a little more SHUTTIN' THE FUCK UP?

You know Xzibit has made it with Pimp My Ride when my DAD watches the show. Maybe I could get him to listen to one of his albums ... only after about 16 Bud Lights in his system ...

X-tina, we want you on a stripper pole, not on a piano. Look at Nelly checkin' out her ass - something Fred Durst always coveted but could only ponder about on his gay web blog.

OK, seriously, two hours and no Britney. That cellulite must be worse than Star Magazine has led me to believe. Now, when she shakes that ass, she has to use a parachute to get the flab to stop jiggling.

A Bad-Boy reunion at the VMA's. The most irrelevant comeback since Guns N' Roses two years ago. Mase, brother Christian, go back to rapping about bitches and blunts. The last thing we want is Mr. Rogers trying to be down wit the homies.

Usher? With Michael Jackson as his dance/musical influence? Nooooo! You're kidding! What ELSE does Michael Jackson teach you, Usher?

LL Cool J, you're beginning to have the feel of Run DMC and the Sugarhill Gang. Geriatric rappers need to stick with the Senior Tour. They need to create a BET-Old Fucks channel and kick these geezers out to pasture.

Oh God Damn it! Am I watching the Grammys? Stevie Wonder? You know what all the 14 year old girls are thinking right now? "What's Lil' Jon's grandfather doing onstage?" You know what I'M thinking right now? "Save your strength, because the Emerald Queen Casino is calling your name. The Ray Charles comeback tour had to be cancelled." There's a reason why Sway had to get everyone to cheer for you, Stevie. Everyone else can see what you can't; the 70's ended almost 15 years ago!

Fuck these Jimi Hendrix - Coca Cola commercials! Why are all my heroes being exploited like this? I hope his family burns in hell along with Tupac's mother, the remaining members of The Doors, Courtney Love, and the idiot fucks who thought it would be a good idea to put Bob Dylan in a Victoria's Secret commercial.

Oh great, the other two boobs of No Doubt get to speak. T-t-t-t-t-TODAY JUNIOR! Tell me again how they won TWO awards tonight (and counting?)

Tony Hawk, quite possibly the LAMEST person outside of the half-pipe. Ashley Simpson, quite possibly the LAMEST sibling to make it in the music business this side of Frank Stallone. Please fall, Tony! Break your spine and NEVER MAKE TV APPEARANCES AGAIN! Oh wait, I almost forgot about Christopher Reeves. Just die, Tony. Die live on MTV, that would be the BEST VMA surprise of all time!

The Darkness is up for another award!!! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!!! I love your homo-erotic video stylings... . Oh no, Maroon 5 couldn't make it tonight. Maybe next year, no more spanky your wanky so you can accept your award for "Lame Award Category."

Jon Stewart, you are adding SO MUCH to the telecast this year. Maybe next year we could have someone a little more funny teasing the Viewer's Choice Award ... like Michael J. Fox's twitching Parkinson�s-riddled corpse. (shit now, that went TOO far).

Alecia Keys, are you drunk enough yet? You don't pull off looking sober onstage very well, lady. Lay off the sauce till AFTER the show. There will be plenty of time to look and sound like a drunken jackass at Diddy's White Party. A moment of silence? No, that crowd reaction wasn't INTENDED, but that's what you get for talking about Ray Charles. All the 80 year olds have long turned off the MTV and went to bed.

Finally, some ENTERTAINMENT for my evening. Why couldn't we just have a 3-hour Beastie Boys concert instead?

Just don't give the MTV2 award to Yellowcard. Anyone but Yellowcard. I'm beggin' on my knees. Give it to Franz Ferdinand. GIVE IT TO MODEST MOUSE! JUST NOT YELLOWCARD!!! ... Well, you finally did it, MTV. As soon as I post this, I'm going to go to your headquarters and blow the fucker up. Then, I'm gonna piss on the rubble, kidnap Yellowcard, slit their nuts off, shove the violin up ALL of their asses, and bury them under a mountain of fire ants until their skin has been chewed apart, then I'm gonna drown them in acid and use their tongues to paint my boat.

Marilyn Manson, when did you get back from Obscurity? You look good, is that a fresh tan I see? I guess it's kinda hard to get steady work when the Teenage Angst Department's house band is now comprised of the likes of Evenescence and Avril Lavigne. It's really a shame that someone like Mandy Moore is more shocking than you.

Who the FUCK is Jo Jo? No, seriously, who the fuck is Jo Jo? There's no crack to wise here.

Noooo! Don't bring out Olympians! Nobody knows you, nobody likes the Summer Olympics, and there are PLENTY of other hot chicks out there in the audience. See: Beyonc�.

You know, there's a REASON why the viewers don't get to choose ALL the winners. Linkin Park was successfully shut out the entire night until the stupid Teeny Bopping idiots out there got their hands on their mice. Linkin Park fans need to be dragged into the street and flogged for their sucky taste in music.

I think I get it now, Eminem and Britney Spears don't show up, so they get NO awards. Get ready D-12. This is what it's gonna be like when Eminem finally ditches you losers like he should have done from the beginning. And, Britney? I'm still waiting for your Playboy appearance. The last bastion for insufferably bad singers.

Outkast, congrats. The big award is yours. Who didn't see THIS coming?

John Mellencamp, you're old. YOU'RE BORING EVERYONE! Why couldn't Will Ferrell be a political activist? And, by the way, everyone STOP pretending that you all don't want Kerry for president! I'm tired of all this non-partisan bullshit. MTV needs to grow a pair and let the artists say what they feel.

Outkast, you're really killing me here. Andre 3000 is cooling us all out with Prototype and what happens? A couple of Big Boi suck-ass joints, followed by the most egregiously overplayed Hey Ya!

God, it's like one big Public Service Announcement. This is your brain. This is your brain on not-voting-in-2004. Here, let us keep banging this fucking skillet over your head until you'd rather tear off your fingernails than cast your ballot in November.

So, where was the big surprise? Where's the Jacko/Lisa Marie Kiss? Where's the Pee Wee Herman performance? Where's the Madonna/Britney/Other Girl Kiss? Where's the Botox-filled Axl Rose performance? WHERE'S THE DRUNKEN-OUT-OF-HER-GOURD COURTNEY LOVE?

Was the big surprise the fact that LL Cool J has yet ANOTHER album to release that no one would buy even if it was filled with 19 versions of Outkast's Hey Ya over Neptunes/Lil' Jon/Kanye West/Dr. Dr� beats? Or the fact that The Lord of The Rings managed NOT to win an award on a televised awards show? Maybe it was the noticeable absence of the Queer Eye for the Straight Guy fags not utilizing their continued 15 minutes to show everyone how NOT entertaining they are in an unedited setting.

Oh, I think I know what the big surprise was. Kurt Loder! The aging wonder is still alive! Remember when he used to do the news every hour on the hour and MTV used to play music videos? No? Am I really that old? Maybe I'll just watch MTV2 from now on. Oh wait, they don't play any fucking videos either!

Well, I'll tell you what DIDN'T surprise me. 3 and a half hours later and I want to kill myself yet again for watching that entire wretch.

Bet you that won't keep me from watching next year, though. Single tear.

Current Mood: My nuts have retracted
Current Music: A Replay of Usher's Live Performance at the VMA's

2004-08-30 10:57 am
That was definitely a disappointing VMAs. First of all, Dave Chappelle should've HOSTED. Second...where the hell was Britney?!?! :'( I miss the Britney/Madonna/other girl kiss. Haha.

2004-08-30 04:25 pm
So you didn't like it then?

6 pages, single spaced
2004-08-30 05:45 pm
Did I write too much?