Yeah, I'm a sadistic fuck.
No, maybe that's not true, but it is true that I have no feelings inside (is that low self-esteem or do you just have scoliosis?). It's a fact, I'm a hollow shell of a man, uncaring about any of my fellow man. That's how I can send my brother off to Iraq as a member of the Marines without batting an eye. That's how I can sit through my Great Grandmother's memorial and the main thought that crosses my mind is how awful the fight for her inheritence is gonna be. And, that's how I can visit any of my grandparents in the hospital without the knot in my stomach that my brother gets - to the point where he refuses to visit because it shakes him up too much. See, those are feelings. That's someone who cares so much, he can't bring himself to see people in misery without breaking down inside.
Now, I'm not saying I go to these functions with glee in my heart. But, it just doesn't phase me too much because I'm a robot without any emotion at all. Doesn't mean I don't care about the people involved. I'm just incapable of revealing too much to my fellow man, even my family.
And, unlike many in my family, I'm able to handle the knowledge of my grandmother quitting her chemo. Chemo makes you feel like shit, makes you feel like it's not even worth the effort of feeling like said shit only to live for a few extra months. Because, really, if you can't get out of bed, if you can't speak, if you can't eat or even speak to your family for more than ten minutes in the day, what's extended life really giving you? Oh, it helps the rest of your family deal, because that's one extra day they get to live without going to your funeral. But, at some point, you've just got to say, "Fuck that, I'm at a point in my life where it's time to stop living for everyone else and start living for myself."
Coming from my perspective, I'd have it no other way. Who am I to tell you how to live your life? If you wanna go off to war, if you wanna move to another city, if you wanna let nature run its course, who am I to balk? I haven't exactly run my life in some elite manner. As far as I'm concerned, I've made nothing BUT mistakes in my life. But, it doesn't matter what I think or what anyone else thinks. You've gotta do what you feel's right and if you're wrong, who cares? You made the choice you felt was right at the time. If everybody did that, everybody'd be a lot better off. Too often, we make choices to please other people.
So, you know, I'm gonna go visit her in a couple weeks. Of course, we'd visit much more, but they live in Port Townsend, and my dad and I can't really afford the gas for the trip (of course, that doesn't stop my selfish ass from making absurd - relatively - trips to Seattle for concerts and whatnot). And, I'll participate in the "visiting" even though I'm such a dolt I really have nothing to say. What's important is making the effort; is going there and spending time to show in more than just your thoughts that you care; letting them know you care by not being afraid to spend some time when time's at its worst. I know I'd sure hate it if I was dying and people were too afraid to see me in a dilapidated state; because honestly, I'd just want to speed up the process. When you're at your end, I'm assuming you want nothing BUT visitors to present themselves as much as possible, if for nothing else, to have them there.
Plus, you know, you don't wanna be there all cryin' and shit. That's just gonna bring her down. So, I'll put on my best stoic face and make like everything's the norm. And, as long as I've got the creative outlet to release my feelings, I won't have to act the blubbering idiot. I've been the blubbering idiot before; it really does NOT become me. When you've built yourself up as this sarcastic, go-fuck-yourself kind of guy, and then you start speaking in Hallmark Cards, you can never really be taken seriously.
I'd like to believe this won't be the last time I see my grandmother alive, but as a realist I know that she might not even make it the two weeks until I DO go see her. But, I guess nobody really handles death well. It's hard to come to grips with and I'm pretty lucky that I've made it this long with relatively few deaths to . . . grip. I'm quasi-mature though, so I know I can handle it. Still, it'll be hard and I'm sure I'll have much more to say on the subject, but for now I'm just living for these two weeks and I hope she is too.
Current Mood: Domo Arigato Mr. Roboto
Current Music: Gil Scott- Heron - Lady Day And John Coltrane