The Patterson Boys' Day of Fun.

2:03 pm, October 2, 2004

Mike and Ian got their birthday celebration started off the right way. Being jumped, hog-tied and kidnapped by a group of warrior-painted ROTC guys. From there, they were dragged to HOOTERS of all places.

Now, I have more than a couple thoughts on my first hOOters experience. First of all, the women weren't as attractive as I'd originally thought. Methinks I had too high expectations. I'm assuming the chain of command for hotness goes:

Porno Actress
Hooters Girl

That's not to say, though, that they didn't have the gOOds. Push-Up bras and shorts that don't quite cover up all of the ass go a long way. But, I've just gotta say, that hOOters is one of the most depressing places I think I've ever had the pleasure of stuffing my face in. The women there look like they're in a concentration camp. Not necessarily for having frail bodies (let's just say that "rolls" weren't ONLY on the menu), but for the simple fact that they looked about as depressed and miserable as I've ever seen ANYONE. When you can tell that they're faking happiness, it seriously feels like a prostitute faking an orgasm. "Can I get you more WATER? OHHH BAAAABY! YES, DO YOU LIKE IT WHEN I GIVE YOU LOTS OF ICE?"

They've got all these drunk LOSERS going there, hitting on them constantly, trying to cop a quick feel on the ass, eyes all over their prize all fucking night. I think Megan was the only non-employee female in the joint.

I almost felt too bad to look at them in any kind of degrading manner. So, I just looked at them in such a way as to not be overly-noticable. That is, when I wasn't watching sports on one of the five thousand TV screens. hOOters: seriously overrated. Here's a sign they had on the wall: "Hooters Waitressses are Flattery Operated." Such corn, I cannot stand.

Anyway, from there Kon and I had to go back to the apartment because Kon had to take a major shit. Evidently, the greasy hot-wings pass through his system like a tornado. Then, it was off to Mike and Ian's for drinking. Lots of beer, lots of bottlecap flicking (one time hitting Caitlin in the eye - excellent). Got to meet some girls from the boonies, of the likes of Yakima, Graham, and New Mexico. Their names are fade fade fading, but I tell you I DID remember them for like an hour.

Then, it was kick-everybody-out-so-we-can-go-to-the-bar time. It turns out, it was just Mike and Ian and me and Megan. This was around 12:30 or so, we started at the Irish Emigrant. They had Prairie Fires and shots of Jack, a round of Guiness that was nursed by the birthday boys like nothing I've ever seen. Then, we FINALLY went to another bar, Earls to be exact, made quick work of that place and moved on. Tommy's closed down early, around 1:30am, so we went to the All American.

Here's where the fun begins and where the Remembering the Night officially ends for the twins. I asked Ian if he wanted to do karaoke. The first thing out of his mouth is, "Pick that 'I'm too Sexy' song and I'll take off my clothes!" So, I sign them up, get them up next because it's their special day, and off they go. Ian makes it through the first line of the song and hands off to Mike while he starts taking off his shirt. Mike just stands there, with the mic in his hand, not saying anything. The music's still going, Megan and I are laughing our asses off, yelling at them to sing. Finally, the bartender gets up there to try to help them with the words. He gives up, but that's when Ian gets a fantastic idea. They both start yelling as loud as they can, "I'M TOO SEXY FOR MY PENIS!"

And, that's when the music was cut off. We were essentially kicked out. So, we're looking for more bars to go to, but everything was fucking closed. All Meg and I really wanted was to give them that final drink to push them over the edge into the land of the Pukers. Didn't happen.

We decide to go through campus and, right around Denny Hall, Mike decides to lie down on the ground for a while. Ian has already fallen over a handful of times, opening a gash on his forehead, getting his arm cut up all to hell. Meg says for me to just take Ian back and they'll catch up. Somehow, Ian and I, as I'm carrying him with his arm around my shoulder, we go around Denny and end up on 15th going up towards 45th. As you can tell, I'm not exactly Mr. Sober here, but I'm WAY better off than Ian. Anyway, we're stumbling, and Ian's practically falling over with every step, and I see some headlights approach us and stop. We continue walking without giving a glance, and the headlights creep up on us again. By now, I know exactly who's behind us, and sure enough, they get on their blowhorn telling us to "Stop Where You Are"

They tell us to stand up against the wall, but Ian can't stand, not even with a wall's help. So, I'm there holding him up, and they check our IDs and wait with us for them to be cleared. Thankfully, Ian isn't belligerent like I'm prone to be, and he CAN be when he wants to. The cops were actually friendly, though, laughing with us, mostly at Ian's expense, and they let us go. Far be it for them to actually give us a fucking ride back to the apartment.

We DO make it back though. About an hour and a half after we gave up on the bars. Megan got Mike back about five minutes after Ian and I got there, saying that was one of the most frustrating experiences of her life. Every five minutes Mike wanted to sit down, or would simply refuse to walk. So, when we got them into bed, and made sure they were gonna continue breathing, we broke out the permanent red marker and drew all over them. You know, "I love the cock" "The Dude has pissed his pants" and the ever-funny "Vote Bush".

And then I went and got drunk again last night!

Met this girl who had the darkest tan I've ever seen, over at Crazy Nate's. Seriously looked like she just performed in a minstrel show. I kept expecting her to say her name was Stepin Fetchit and start dancing with a watermellon under each arm.

Here's something I think everyone can learn from. It's not cool to have the bladder of a badger. Nor is it cool to proclaim that you HAVE the bladder of a badger to a girl you're trying to mack on. Kon had to learn this the hard way last night. When everyone in the room notices your blatant intentions except for you, that means you've got work to do. But, to his credit, Kon got a hail mary completion at the last minute to finagle his way into the next round. Keep up the good work, chief!

Current Mood: Socially Inept & Proud Of It
Current Music: Flaming Lips - The Train Runs Over The Camel But Is Derailed By The Gnat