My proclivity for rampaging a joke into the ground has finally caught up to me..

6:50 pm, November 18, 2004

Thereís no slope more slippery than crafting a formal letter of apology. On the one half, you wanna sound (scratch that) BE sincere, but on the other side, you donít wanna come off as an Olí Douchey Bastard.

Thereís the "Bite The Bullet" apology, where you just come out and say what youíre sorry for and hope forgiveness ensues. And, you know, thatís fine. That gets the job done, for the most part, but it lacks in substance.

Thereís the "Over The Top To The Brink Where I Can Tell Youíre Lying" apology. Thatís the one where you bring out every exaggeration in the book (Iíve never been more sorry for anything in my life / This is the most egregious, heinous, appalling thing Iíve ever done to anyone, ever / You are the wind beneath my wings and it tears me apart inside to see you feeling this way on account of me . . . you get the drift), hoping the person youíre apologizing to is a complete simp whoíll bite hook, line, and sinker. So, you know, that might work on Jessica Simpson or Anna Nicole Smith, but unless youíve wronged those two exclusively (go ahead and throw in Paris Hilton and Darva Conger while youíre at it), it wonít fly.

Thereís the "Deflection" apology. Thatís where you blame everyone (society, my immoral upbringing, the devil made me do it, the alcohol made me do it, the peer pressure was too much, I was dropped on my head as a 20 year old, my dog talks to me, the evil monkey that lives in my closet got control of my keyboard) but yourself. Then, at the end, you tack on a benign "Iím sorry" in hopes to exonerate yourself. Of course, even Judge Judy wouldnít buy this; even Stevie Wonder could see through the bullshit here. Politicians use this CONSTANTLY.

Thereís the "Second Party" apology. You get your friend or someone to supply your apology for you, because you donít have the cohones sufficient to tell the person in person. This is about as sincere as an "I love you, man" while drunk. This is "No New Taxes," "I did not have sexual relations with that woman," and "I wonít rest until the real killer is brought to justice" all rolled into one "Her mouth said Ďnoí, but her eyes said Ďyesí" amalgam of doggy droppings. Come with this, and you might as well chop your dick off right now, because obviously itís only ornamental anyway.

Thereís the "Rambling, wasting a bunch of time and space giving definitions of Apology" apology. This is what you do when youíre stalling for time trying to concoct an appropriate forgiveness-apprehender. Itís a way to say youíre sorry without actually uttering the words. If youíre good enough, smart enough, (gosh darn it, people like me enough), smooth enough, suave enough, the message will come through somehow, some way. Unfortunately, Iím not good, smart, smooth or suave. Iím blunt and obnoxious (and gosh darn it, people DO like me), and the sarcasm permeating throughout is denser than an evening fog seen through cataract eyes.

So, what Iíve gotta do is take a step back. Distance myself for a moment from the norm and be totally serious with you. In general, I know when a lark passes expiration and starts growing hairy mold (hence the retiring of the Lilí Jon / Dave Chappelle imitation). But, you know, thereís an occasion or two where the jokes start achieving lives of their own and need to be reigned in. Iím not the only one guilty of this sort of behavior (see: Jerry Seinfeld and the belly button laugh, "LA LA LAAAA").

Anyway, so to Big ... JUST Sarah (mussnít utilize nickname in apology for dog-piling ON the nickname), I hereby formally apologize for the excessive (albeit most obviously UN-founded) mockery of a non-existant weight problem on your person. There will be a permanent moratorium on any further said mockery, starting retroactively at 12:01am, November 18, 2004, in the form of Live Journal entries, verbal attacks both in person and otherwise, sign language, Morse code, smoke signals, and any other form of communication not listed here.

Oh yeah, I forgot the "Formal Legal Mumbo Jumbo" apology.

Current Mood: Rolled Up Newspaper
Current Music: Ol' Dirty Bastard - Dogged Out

mumbo jumbo
2004-11-19 07:00 pm
is that supposed to be some kind of a joke?!