The Holiday Edition.

5:54 am, December 24, 2004

Motherfuckers making me work on God damned Christmas Eve. AND there's a fucking NFL game on today at noon! I'm telling you, the prune-faced hag better let us off early. I've got Festivus to celebrate.

Here's the plan. I'm gonna get my dad's tether-ball pole from the garage (yes, that pole has gotten a TON of action, let me tell you. Why, a day never goes by when we don't whack that ball around that pole), take off the rope so it's just a metal pole. I think you see where this is going. If not, then I'd like to point out the Seinfeld episode which introduces Festivus.

Metal pole in the stead of a Christmas tree. You've got the Airing of Grievances, and the Feats of Strength. Now, some may mock, but I'm here to tell you that is EXACTLY what my family needs. Get all your problems with each other out in the open, followed by ass kicking well into the night.

My aunt could voice her displeasure at my jailbird uncle over his getting fired AGAIN (he's a car salesman. How the FUCK do you get fired for being a car salesman? Oh, that's right, CRASHING THE FUCKING CARS!).

My Grandma Billie (her full name is Billie Jo, or B.J., but those in the know call her the Beej) could just bitch and bitch and bitch until her voice gives out. Too bad she doesn't know any more sign language than the occasional bitch-slap to the old man who makes nasty comments to her.

My other uncle could put his verbal foot up in the ass of HIS wife for crashing car after car after car (seems to me the aunts and uncles got their matches crossed).

My mom could yell at the Beej for ... just about everything.

See, I get all these stories about all these people, because all these people do is talk about each other behind their backs. However, if we celebrated Festivus, all of that would cease and I wouldn't have to hear about it anymore. For just one day every year, it would all be out on the table. My family has a lot of aggression to unleash. What better day than the National Day of Presents.

I was gonna go visit my cool aunt yesterday, but they're not really taking the whole Christmas thing too seriously this year. "It's just another day," she's wont to say. Now, I'd like to be nonchalant and cool like that, but really, it's NOT just another day. Any day I get burdened with presents is a GREAT fucking day! And, in knowing what I get every year, I'll alleviate any suspense I know you MUST be feeling.

My family doesn't deal in surprise. Santa better follow the fucking Christmas list to a T or there's gonna be bitching to beat the band. I've got Seasons 4 and 5 of the Simpsons coming. I've got a plane ticket to San Diego when my brother graduates the Marines (OK, make that a big IF, but that's a tale for another day). I've got free rent for January. And, miscellaneous gifts, and a Christmas stocking full of shit. That's a cash value upwards of $500 ... and that's just from my dad. Oh yeah, SUCK IT!

Now, here's the list I gave my mom, and keep in mind she just won $12,000 by playing BINGO (a game in which, if you have the first four numbers pulled in a row, you get the grand prize). Family Guy Series (2 4-DVD sets), The Critic Series (1 4-DVD set), Looney Tunes Golden Collection Volume 2 (4-DVDs), Ren & Stimpy Season 1 Uncut (3 DVDs I believe), The O.C. Season 1 (4 big time DVDs I think), Pee Wee's Playhouse Seasons 1-5 (2 5-DVD sets possibly). And, you know, whatever else she comes up with. That's a big time cash value of ... let me get my calculator ... over $300.

If she got me everything on my list, that is. Realistically, I could be getting anywhere from a $700 Christmas on up to $1,000. And that's just from two people. Divorce RULES!

Wow, the spoiled brat in me coming out in spades this morning.

Thinking about all my presents is the only thing that's gonna get me through this day. God, I hate working so much.

OK, dig it, though, it's not only about getting presents, though that is a part I love. But, since I'm the best present buyer anyone's ever seen, look at this rundown.

I got my dad the first three seasons of Seinfeld. I filled his stocking full of candy and shit. Got him the DVD Tango & Cash and something else I can't remember.

I got my mom a DVD player. That's been sitting here in my room for over a month, but I only felt the urge to use it once.

I got my brother ... squat. Don't worry, I'm taking him to Canada for his 19th birthday ... which will be VERY belated since he isn't scheduled to graduate until February 25th, but again, another time.

I got my cool aunt the Daily Show book. ALSO, I gave her that Dr. Phil book that Andrés thoughtfully gave the Schaarminator last year for Christmas (don't worry, it's a joke present here too, she HATES Dr. Vage-sucking Phil).

I bought her boyfriend that DaVinci Code book. It was 30% off and I figure, if it's as GREEAAAT as Eddie says, I can borrow it.

And, I got my cousin that Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy book. I figure, she likes the Lord of the Rings, and she likes Monty Python, she's gotta fucking love this series of books.

So, yeah, Merry Fucking Christmas ...

I heard there is no Christmas in the silly Middle East
No trees, no snow, no Santa Claus they have different religious beliefs
They believe in Muhammad and not in our holiday
And so every December I go to the Middle East and say,
"Hey there Mr. Muslim Merry fucking Christmas
Put down that book the Koran and hear some holiday wishes.
In case you haven't noticed it's Jesus's birthday.
So get off your heathen Muslim ass and fucking celebrate."

There is no holiday season in India I've heard
They don't hang up their stockings and that is just absurd!
They've never read a Christmas story. They don't know what Rudolph is about
And that is why in December I'll go to India and shout,
"Hey there Mr. Hinduist Merry fucking Christmas
Drink eggnog and eat some beef and pass it to the missus.
In case you haven't noticed it's Jesus's birthday
So get off your heathen Hindu ass and fucking celebrate!"

Now I heard that in Japan everyone just lives in sin
They pray to several gods and put needles in their skin.
On December 25th all they do is eat a cake
And that is why I go to Japan and walk around and say,
"Hey there Mr. Shintoist Merry fucking Christmas
God is going to kick your ass you infidelic pagan scum.
In case you haven't noticed there's festive things to do
So lets all rejoice for Jesus and Merry fucking Christmas to you."

On Christmas day I travel `round the world and say,
"Taoists, Krishnas, Buddhists, and all you atheists too,
Merry Fucking Christmas, To You!"

Current Mood: Thank you Mr. Hat
Current Music: Run DMC - Christmas in Hollis