What I Learned Over My Christmas Vacation.

7:08 pm, December 25, 2004

Man, love is a fucked up animal. Love can ruin your life. Love'll make you stay with a guy through two prison terms, constant fighting and turmoil, and annoying in-laws. I gotta feel for the aunt who married into my family on my mom's side. She's got two kids from a prior relationship, one of which has three children of his own. She's got an 11 year old daughter and an 8 year old (I'm estimating these ages, I don't know how old ANY of my cousins are) with Downs who's constantly acting out. Her husband, we like to affectionately call him "Jewels" since he's such an excellent thief, is somewhat of an alcoholic. And, through it all, she sticks it out. Plus, she's the only person in the family who's ever offered to smoke me out.

So, my grandma goes up to me tonight and says, "I heard you had a little too much fun last night." I thought about it later, and I wanted to say, "Personally, I don't think I drank ENOUGH for this family." Of course, with my family, there's no such thing as "too much fun." I'm a lightweight compared to my uncles who got blitzed on tequila at my mom's, to the point where I'm trying to keep up and I'm hammered by 8pm. I stop drinking 'cause I gotta drive home, and they go off and do another four or five hours of hard-a drinking. See, we in my family don't believe in moderation.

Evidently, I've got an alcoholic Great Uncle and I didn't even know it. I mean, I knew he was drunk all the time, but I just figured, hey, that's Uncle Joe. No, as it turns out, he's been sober for five years and apparently as much fun as a stack of encyclopedias without the booksmarts. Used to be, he had a wealth of dick, pussy, and dildo jokes ready for implimentation at any moment in an evening. Of course, used to be good ol' Uncle Joe was a lifelong bachellor. Love 'em, thug 'em, fuck 'em, leave 'em / Cause I don't fuckin' need 'em / Take 'em out the hood / Keep 'em lookin' good / Cause I don't fuckin' feed 'em. Now, he's Fun Bobby on the wagon, midnight hammer story and all. (you watch Friends and you get that reference).

My mom's boyfriend drinks Canadian whiskey. It tastes like shit. Didn't stop me from drinking three Whiskey and Cokes, but I DID have to switch it up to Vodka and Coke after a while.

I really should NOT be posting while drunk and reminiscing about high school. I was looking through my old yearbooks. Here's what I get a lot:

"Have a good summer."
"Have an ass-kickin' summer."
"Have a great summer."
"You're such a smart guy."
"Thanks for helping me in math and chemistry."
"Stay smart and use your talents to the fullest."
"You're really funny."
"You're funny, but you need to TALK."
"It was cool having you in two classes."
"The Beastie Boys rule."
"I have a huge cock."
"We're finally getting out of this dump."
"Have a good life."

You know, I completely forgot I actually had math and science smarts. Man, I'd even have contests with my friends to see who'd do better on assignments. Then, I became a senior and got all stupid. Then I went to college and became only marginally smart. Pretty much, all I have to show for my four years of college is an 80 Words Per Minute typing speed, a solid crew of homies, and some half-assed alcoholism (aww, but I was using my WHOLE ass).

I met someone at the Christmas dinner today who has managed to threaten my manhood once again. There's this friend of my Grandma who's all alone, so she spends Christmas with us. Anyway, this seventy year old woman knows about as much, if not way more, about NFL football than me. I shit you not. We're watching the KC/Oakland game and she goes, "You know, I guess Woodson's injured for this game." So, like, not only is she a Raider fan, but she knows the injury status of the fucking cornerback! She's sitting there telling me what the teams should do as they're driving down in the last minutes for game-winning field goals. Man, if only she was 25 years younger . . . and I was 25 years older. We'd be making sweet ass 50-year old love. Me with my double dose of Viagra, her with her sexy smoker's lung hacking mucus into my face, giving me personalized fantasy football updates while untying her girdle. Is that a breast sagging into your lap or are you just happy to see me?

OK, so I've got about 250 hours of cartoons to watch in DVD form. I just saved about 9 gigs by deleting the Family Guy off my computer. I'll be saving quite a bit more when I get The O.C. and The Critic on DVD too. For the moment, I'm gonna collapse as turkey and ham have clogged all the arteries in my body.

Current Mood: It's a JUNIOR mint
Current Music: Adam Sandler - The Chanukah Song