There's Something About Juliana.

3:45 pm, January 30, 2005

For reasons beyond my capacity for reason, Juli's birthday is fast becoming a cult holiday the likes of which have yet to be fully comprehended.

If you'll allow me a painful reminder, last year Juli's birthday fell just a day before the Super Bowl. We did some hardcore partying and I ended up too drunk to remember where I was going, I broke and eventually lost my glasses on the long, arduous walk home, I broke my eye socket, bloodied my face and jacket, walked to Queen Anne, and topped it all off with a night of sleeping in the back seat of my car because I was too bloody and dirty to walk the final few hundred yards to sleep in the Steven's Court Apartment. I'm considerate like that, you see. And, considering I was dangerously close to sleeping in a dirt bed in the back yard of some random house just hours before I made it to my car, I feel achieving sleep status in my Camaro a major step up and victory for drunks everywhere.

Of course, it's almost impossible to top that story in my drunken autobiography, but last night, yet again, I managed to get too loaded for words and your mom put together.

The night started out as inconspicuous as any other. A dinner at the Olive Garden. I stole hella bread sticks and wrapped pretty much my entire meal to go. Kept the meal rather sober by my standards, turning down the opportunity for a beer with the meal in favor of an iced tea. And another, and another and another.

So, we went back to the apartment for a little pre-bar pre-funk. That's why we missed Colin's 10:13 deadline at Tommy's. Anyhow, we got there eventually and it was $4.00 Long Island Iced Teas the rest of the night. Iced Tea in pretty much any form I'm a big fan of, you see. I think I lost track of how many Iced teas I had after six or so. There was Karaoke. Let me see if I can run down the setlist.

There was Whitney Houston - I Will Always Love You (Kon was particularly heartfelt during this rendition); there was Bob Marley - No Woman, No Cry (quite the debacle if I do say so myself); Mario COMPLETELY let me down when he didn't go up for Wilson Phillips - Hold On. I think maybe we should've picked a Dolly Parton song and he would've been money on that one. There was Eye of the Tiger by Survivor; and I believe there was The Boss (Bruce Springsteen) with Born in the U.S.A. I was really pushing for 2 Live Crew - Me So Horny, but no one would be a part of my posse and get up there with me. I'm sure there were other songs, but I can't remember any of 'em.

Of course, what drunken binge would be complete without drunken phone calls. And, now that I've got a cell phone . . . oh holy CRAP. I'm looking at my outgoing call list and it appears that I called my GRANDMOTHER at 1:39 in the am. Oh bloody hell, I am DELETING her fucking number from my phone right now. So, it appears between the 2 and 3 o' clock hour I called Mario, Crazy Amy, Caitlin, and Mark. Here's the thing: I don't even remember the period between the 2 and 3 o' clock hour even existing.

This is the part of the story that makes Juli's birthday an extra special treat. The part where other people have to fill in my huge, glaring blanks. We were at Tommy's until closing. Evidently, I was still ordering drinks up until last call, so I'm wondering if I maybe hit the double-digit mark in Long Islands. If so, that's looking like at LEAST a $40 tab I've got to look forward to. Why am I looking forward to it? Because I left my Debit Card there! What Juli's Birthday would be complete without Jackass Steve losing something important to him? Seriously, WHY did I call my Grandmother??? Kon, I don't know what you did, but I'm blaming you for this. Seriously, this is WAY worse than calling Softy! I'm hoping and praying . . . I actually don't know what's worse. If I talked to her or if I left a message on her answering machine. I put all my effort into NOT calling my grandma to the point where she has to chastize me every time I talk to her; but I go and DRUNK CALL her. Oh, the Beej, this isn't gonna be pretty.

Anyway, back to the tale. Bars close at 2am in this state. Kon tells me that him and James had to literally carry me back to the apartment. I went running, of course. You can't celebrate Juli's Birthday without the annual Running of the One-Too-Many Steves. Yeah, one too many. I'm thinking it was about five too many last night. At least this year I had Kon tackling my ass, making sure I didn't end up in Bothel or something. I'm assuming I made these drunken calls on the walk home. I really wish I remember what I said, because . . . let's just say this. I hope people find my antics endearing more than annoying. Otherwise, I really don't know how people put up with me.

I've just got to say this. I made it through a drunken Tommy's night WITHOUT pulling my pants down and exposing my shame. Well, there's always next year. If Juli keeps having these grand drunken bashes on the anniversary of her birth, then I'll make sure to make it the drinkingest, douchingest, jackassingest experience I can possibly muster.

Current Mood: She Walks Like A Bearded Rainbow
Current Music: Cream - SWLABR

2005-01-31 12:08 am
HAHA. You called your grandmother. Who drunk-dials their freaking grandmother???

what happened between 2-3 A.M.
2005-01-31 03:26 am
First I'll give you a list & then details: 4+ car encounters, multiple: verbal threats like trash talking (over 10 maybe over 20 guys),2 bushes,Multiple: running of the bulls (running away from Kon & I),Multiple: times spent on the ground, Multiple: phone calls

Now the details. First of all you tried to pick a fight with five guys in front of Tommy's(1st verbal threat). As we head to IHOP, you called a woman in the backseat of a car a bitch & well other stuff!(2nd verbal threat/abuse & 1st car encounter). At IHOP I had to hold you back from getting hit by a car in the parking lot (2nd Car encounter). You laid on the ground in the IHOP parking lot (1st ground encounter). Then we head off well tried to I think was Caitlin's place(one of your friends, I don't know them sorry). You were also on the phone with Caitlin, well there was multiple phone calls to Caitlin. But one phone call you verbally abused someone. Caitlin might know more about the person on the other line cause I believe it was her phone number you called (one of many phone calls). As we head up to Brooklyn some reason you wouldn't cross the street well the way me & kon wanted to go. You wanted to go off your own way that probably would of taken you to Canada or something. This happen at many stop lights. I literally had to hold you back from crossing the street with a green light. Eventually you got away & did ran away crossing the street on a green light (first running of I guess one-too-many steve). I managed to track you down risking running across the street with a green light. Then we head up Brooklyn again to 47th I believed. Then you decide to lay in a bush (1st bush). Managed to get you up & walked on up 47th towards 20th. However you wouldn't cooperate trying to take us somewhere else. Steve this is my first time getting you home when drunk, but what is up with you & cross walks. Everytime we tried to cross you wanted to go somewhere else. Eventually you crossed where there wasn't a cross walk although you said it was. However I had to hold you back because of a car driving. Kon almost walked across while a car was coming (2nd car encounter). We managed to work our way along 47th. There were more verbal encounters with people. Then you did your annual running of too-many-steve. Kon managed to tackle you into a dead bush. Poor bush, I think you actually broke a couple branches off that bush (2nd bush). Then you laid there for a few minutes. We almost lost your glasses. The guy in the window was wondering what was going on. Again we head off deciding to just take you to Kon's place. There were more verbal encounters. Now Steve, eventhough you didn't pull down your pants. You might as well cause you where asking for it. You kept calling guys punk ass bitches (mainly used in all encounters) and other stuff. And then you were bending over while we were literally dragging you off asking these guys to shove it up your ass and asking for a butt whooping. You were also talking back at these guys in a car (4th car encounter). While we were going down the hill to Kon's place you wanted to pee. Kept on asking & we kept on saying you are almost there. At that point I didn't care if you went in your pants. Then you laid in the middle of the road (lost count). And then you laid on the ground again on the sidewalk right there at Kon's apartment. I guy helped us get you up. then you laid back down. I was surprised you didn't called this one girl that walked by a bitch. And we finally got you back at Kon's place. I left some stuff out like some abuse that Kon & I gave you. You deserved it though. There were many times you were trying to run away. I can't beleive you didn't want to cooperate with Kon and I even after I said I wanted to meet these girls at Caitlin's. well thats basically it I hope that is detailed enough for you. You might want to call Caitlin & apologize to her & her friend that you verbally abused. Later! Oh Steve for me please don't get drunk like that again. Cause I have some past experience well friends that I cared about who had accidents with drunks and I don't want you to see you in an accident. I'll let it slide this time. But if you happen to get drunk like that you can count on me again.

If Found, please call...
2005-01-31 04:53 am
Steve, we need to get you dog tags. No, not the cool military kind, the real kind that states your name, the phone number of your gaurdian, and whether you have had your rabies shot or not. That way, we won't have to worry if we accidently lose tabs of you. As for the above mentioned "prodding" committed by James and Kon, one such incident happened in the IHOP parking lot. I'm not trying to rat them out, but this was hilarious. I looked out the window and saw you laying curled up in the lot, with Kon and James alternately kicking you, gangland style. A man walked by, breifly looked your direction, the averted his eyes and quickened his pace, acting like he didn't see anything. Apparently he felt you deserved it. But I give kudos to Kon and James for escorting you home, that takes quite a lot, and I'm just glad it was two guys who were actually as big or bigger than you this time. My skinny ass has to resort to sweet talking you with drunk logic and playing steve reverse psychology. I suggest we buy tasers for next time, or we start sticking rufies in your last couple drinks to sedate you. But no bones broken, no freaked out 7-eleven clerks, and no lost steves equals one fun and succesful night!


Re: If Found, please call...
2005-01-31 05:36 pm
I never kicked Steve at IHOP. I swear. I was trying to get him up. However I will admit that I kicked Steve later on that morning. Only because I was so frustrated and fed up. It was like an hour later near Kon's place and you decided to lay down like three times on the road. It wasn't a hard kick but I did ask you if you wanted me to kick you and you said go for it. I also did slap you a couple times to wake you up cause you looked like you were going to sleep on the ground for example after you fell in the bush well tackled. but I didn't hit you that hard. -James