Valentine's Day Bitch Session.

4:58 pm, February 14, 2005

Once again, I shaved a heart in my pubes for NO ONE this year.

You know what I'd like to do tonight? I'd like to sit in my room with the door shut, with LOTS of Velvet Underground playing, smoke LOTS of marijuana, and pass out pissing my pants right alongside my bladder-deprived dog. But, I've got work to do.

Tryin' to do a brotha a favor. Jake's in the process of a romantic dinner in Seattle. He's gonna give me a call 'round 6-ish and that's when I swing into action. Getting the hell out of here. No, it's more than that. The apartment's gonna be drowning in candle-light as he bought a hundred little candles to put everywhere. My job's to get them burning on my way out and pray our apartment is still standing when he walks in with his awestruck girlfriend. Roommate not to return before 10:00.

I don't mind; at least SOMEBODY'S getting some action 'round here. It's just a good thing that we don't have any furniture yet, or I'd really fear for the sanitation of our living room.

And, you know, he's paying me $25 for my hospitality. That's like dinner and a movie ... for ONE. So, I'm thinking about it, and I'm thinking I need to go shopping today for food as my weed-induced munchies are getting OUT of control. Yesterday I almost downed a whole huge bowl of salad. I tell you, that's the only way I'm gonna avoid gaining a thousand pounds with all the weed I plan on smoking. If only I liked celery, I'd be burning calories as I burned the chiba.

What movie to pick? What movie can I pick on VALENTINE'S fucking Day where I won't be bombarded with fucking couples fucking making out throughout (and, as I would have it, I'd probably get stuck with a bunch of annoying high school couples . . . this is just not my day). So, I'm thinking anything that's quote/unquote Scary has to go right now. Good thing every scary movie SUCKS right now (DeNiro, let's have some fucking restraint here, huh? Is that too much to ask, Godfather? Is that too FUCKING much to ask Taxi Driver? Goodfellas? Raging FUCKING Bull!!! God DAMN IT, you fucking FOCKER! Stop making shit movies before I fucking BITCHSLAP YOUR FUCKING ASS!). And, as luck would have it, most every other movie sucks too. So, I'm hoping to see Sideways before the Oscars decide to snub it for best picture like they did Paul Giamatti for the nomination I heard he really deserves. At least I'll be viewing a film with INTELLIGENT couples. And, if I can't find the theater with Sideways, it's looking like Winnie The Pooh's Heffalump Movie for me. I'd rather watch a shitty cartoon than a shitty live-action starring Robert "I have enough money for fifty kings, but I just can't stop making complete pieces of Ben Stiller shit" DeNiro. Seriously, you and Al Pacino need to take a page from Brando; if you're gonna make shitty movies, then please be a raving eccentric who despises acting and only participates to further fund his eccentricities. And please, keep your new shitty films as FAR APART as you possibly can.

So, you know, I won't get my full allotment of Velvet Underground and pot-smoking; but after 10:00, I'll get to partake in the abridged version.

And for another year, the Flower & Card Industry will have to settle for birthdays, anniversaries, Mother's Day, Father's Day, Veteran's Day, funerals, November Sweeps, Christmas, and any other reason to waste money on shit that will need to be thrown away after a week's use. How romantic, I'll buy you flowers that will shrivel up and die in a few days to symbolize our untarnished bond of love, everlasting. Yes, 50 trees died to create these Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Valentine's Day Cards, but hey, you're a "totally tubular gal" in my book. I hope your teeth don't rot and you don't contract diabetes from these chocolates I bought you; but more than that, I hope your thighs don't get even MORE riddled with cellulite, as my lust for you will surely wane over the years you stay with me, eating fatty candy after fatty candy, ass spreading like water - finding its own level ... with the COUCH.

See, for everything people find "romantic" about Valentine's Day, I can find something for you to shove up your ass and fuck yourself with.

Yes, yes, another bitter post from a bitter man. At least the condom and lube industries are thriving this month. After all, nothing says, "I love celebrating Black History" like a used condom floating in the toilet

Current Mood: Hey babe, take a walk on the wild side
Current Music: Lou Reed - Walk On The Wildside

2005-02-15 01:34 am UTC
happy VD, sounds like the perfect way to celebrate

2005-02-15 07:47 pm UTC
Steven it's getting harder and harder to get through your posts...anyways, I saw Sideways and it's cynical and realistic as all hell and fairly slow but you may like it. I guess it was alright in a very very extremely dry Steve-esque sense of humor way so who knows. Anyways happy late V-day and you can definitely share your weed with me next time I'm down, or you're up whenever that may be.
Peace out cubscout