So, I made it home ... alive and paranoid..

2:29 pm, February 21, 2005

3:30 in the AM on the mean freeway streets of Seattle, going 45 MPH the whole fucking way, and what do you know, I look over to my right and there's a cop just driving driving driving alongside me. Seemingly without a care in the world, but I'm convinced the stash I've got in my little middle compartment is eminating some sort of infracop scent. He knows what I've got; he knows what I've done, and he's just biding his fucking time before he turns on his lights, slams his car into mine, and sends me sprawling into the prison system where my fragile little cornhole will be pierced and prodded like the baby-fresh man meat I know I am.

The impulse to accelerate never crossed my mind. The inane desire to slam on my breaks and run screaming through the corridors of I-5 did, however. But, you know me, I'm super cool. I'm like K.G., Mr. Orange and the pre-shark jumping Fonz all rolled into one awesome gumbo served cold, ice cold, with a slice of lemon and a side order of cole slaw. Can't no cop phase me when I'm high-driving; just so long as there aren't any Jack In The Box's in the vicinity.

I've come to a revelation, a little epiphany if you will. With this whole Google putting all these books online for free, our library system in this country is going to require VAST revamping. I mean, they only get money from taxes, and with the Republicans making sure such "luxuries" like library use, after-school programs and the like get the shaft; libraries are gonna need another source of income. And, from what I can figure, I guarantee within ten years you'll see Starbucks or some other type of coffee/café style establishments pushing their way in. The movie selection will be bigger as they'll now start charging for either a monthly membership or per movie. There'll be crap all over the walls and in the aisles for people to buy; you'll start seeing clothing sections and new compact discs. Basically, the book selection for the general public will be somewhere in the back corner collecting dust, consisting of about 10-20 select titles that no one will ever give shit-one about because they can get all the book-information they need on the Internet.

Speaking of being somewhere in the back corner collecting dust, I've come to another revelation, a little epiphany if you will. I fucking hate house parties. Now, that's a general statement, so I'll go ahead and qualify that with this statement: I fucking hate house parties that aren't thrown by my friends.

This is what always happens. I got a friend who knows about a party in the area. First off, we pre-funk at a familiar place (i.e. Julie's House). Inevitably, the motherfucking PRE-FUNK is the funnest part of the evening. We get to talk at a normal level, we all know each other, and everything just mixes more smoothly. But, for some insane reason, everyone's jonesing to get to this great party. We leave, walk down the block, get to the house. I can't vouch for everyone else, but I'll give you my experience.

There are too many people crowding the door, so it takes five minutes to get in the house. As soon as I'm in the house, it's about 50 degrees hotter, and my glasses immediately fog up. I blindly search for some open area near the music that isn't in the cramped, undersized kitchen. I get to my corner, wipe off my glasses, and I can see right off that I know exactly zero people outside of the posse I came with. And, guess what, for the most part, the posse I came with are all mingling together, while everyone else at the party are yelling and drunk out of their gourds, and saying things like, "All right, beeotches! Let's get it on!"

Oh, and guess what they've got to drink. Bud Light. Yeah, I drank about half of that and threw the rest down the street as I left the party about a half hour after I got there to go smoke out with a couple bodacious babes.

So, let me get this straight, we have more fun at the Pre-Funk; we all get to the party and stick to our own kind for the most part, we can't hear a fucking thing because the SHITTY rap music they have to play at EVERY FUCKING PARTY is way too loud even though no one's dancing. Really, why do we go? I could understand if you were going for some FREE alcohol, but shit man, no one gives it up for free unless you can manage to get in and steal some.

Honestly, I don't know how many more of these I can handle. There are only so many cool poses I can run through while being ignored in the corner before I just go out of my mind with boredom. And, it's not like I meet any people at these parties. The guys are generally dicks who'd rather punch your lights out than go fuck themselves like they sorely deserve. And the chicks, it just SEEMS to me are cracked out hoes who, while making out are fun to look at, but for the most part are annoying wenches who are entirely too loud and AH-STUPID for words alone to describe. Really, you'd need the visual of me hitting myself over the head with a hammer to fully grasp how stupid these hoes are.

Really, I know there are normal people out there. They have to exist. I couldn't have already met and befriended all the normal people in the world, right? This is the thing you've gotta figure, if you're out at a party looking to hook up, then you've probably come to the right place, if you've got game enough. But, if you're looking for civilized conversation or perhaps to meet someone halfway cool or decent, you're not gonna find her next to the empty tequila shot glasses, running around with a spastic look on her face, inquiring to an ignoring audience who the hell we are and where the "Juli's" are in attendance. Call it a hunch.

So, yeah, don't let anyone tell you that Mean Girls isn't a kickass movie to watch while stoned . . . or any OTHER time in your life! Gosh! Oh, and by the way, don't try to drink like Napoleon Dynamite with a bottle of near-full beer, as it will surely foam up and splooge all over you. Yes Caitlin and Melody, we shall have to smoke out again real soon.

And ... it looks like the Good Will here sucks balls. I'm thinking Jimi At Woodstock is gonna be out for the Rockstar party. Jake was thinking it'd be cool to make a costume that was shaped like a star but had the texture of a rock. If only I was more proficient with a needle and thread. So, it's looking like my costume's gonna have to be a surprise for now

Current Mood: Give me some of your tots
Current Music: Allman Brothers Band - Whipping Post (Live @ Fillmore East)

your mom's chest hair!!
2005-02-23 01:06 am UTC (link)
No Jimi?! Ahhhh! Mean Girls was fucking awesome and we definitely need to smoke out again...possibly on Friday...I'm looking forward to your costume.