Dinner with My Grandmother, Any Takers?.

3:29 pm, February 27, 2009

Dear Ndugu,

Man, when I get an electric skillet, my life's gonna be different! I'm gonna make bacon, I'm gonna meet chicks, I'll get a full-time position and a raise, my pubes will finally start growing in. Well, OK, so I'll make bacon. And hash browns and eggs and biscuits. It's my dad's specialty, I like to call it the "You've got 24 Hours To Live (now tell me the bad news) That Was 12 Hours Ago" Breakfast. Or, the Coronary Special for short.

I got back to the ol' apartment today around 11; 11:30 or something like that. Not too long afterward, I get a call from my mommy. You've never seen more of a cleaning madman in your life than me in the two hours I had before she finally got here for her first visit ever. Believe me, I did everything in my power to mask any and all usage of marijuana. All the windows were open; my Dollar Store air freshener was in full spray. OK, so there's nothing I can do about the naked and half-naked chicks on the walls. I'm just gonna have to bite the bullet on this whole heterosexuality thing I've got going.

Of course, I can't be quite sure how long that's gonna last after seeing a full-on naked Cathy Bates in the movie "About Schmidt" last night. Grandma, is that you? In a HOT TUB? The only real saving grace for any ounce of lust for the female form came in the closing shot of that scene where we get a lovely view of Jack Nicholson's naked ass. Oh, and did I tell you I was baked out of my mind for that movie?

As it happens, I double booked last night, so first up at Melody's, with Caitlin and Ian, we puffed on the magic dragon (or, we rode on the green dragon, if you like). What followed was a fascinating display of Melody and Caitlin eating everything in sight while Ian gave a full dissertation on the reason why I am NOT overly into computers.

Then, I got the call. And we were SUPPOSED to go to the bars, but I have a feeling everyone just had TOO much fun at the Rockstar party the night before. And, really, what better movie to watch when you're loaded off the sticky icky icky than About Schmidt. Yeah, I almost fell asleep about fifty times; I really don't know how the fuck I made it. Nor, do I know how I made it through the hourlong episode of The West Wing, but I tell you that fucking egg stood on its end!!! I was mindfuckingly blown away.

So, like I said, my mom got here and she gets a call from my grandmother. The Beej. Now, let me tell you about this woman (and watch her collapse dead over her vacuum the next time I see her; I tell you Ndugu, it happens EVERY time). She got me that $1555.67 from my life insurance policy she started when I was a wee little lad. Of course, you know what that means; I am forever in her debt. Oh, and she'll make sure I know this until one of our dying days. First up, I get to take her out to dinner next Sunday evening. I figure, you know, it'll be after all the parties and shit of Friday and Saturday; but you just fucking know some really kickass event is gonna go down on Sunday and I'm gonna be Shit Out Of Luck. Oh, I'm sorry, I've got a date with my fucking granny. I'm telling you, I'm forcing my brother to come, I don't care if I have to pay for his meal too; I can't handle it ... unless I managed to get high first.

Oh yeah, and by the way, Sarah, the sign you got for me ... there are no words. I have the perfect wall space for it; it's sitting by the balcony door; it's just ... the coolest fucking thing I own. That's it, I'm in love with you forever now. I'm jumping your bones every time I see you from now on and I'll only be thinking about that goose painted over the Rainier logo. Honestly, if I ever come across a secret worth keeping, you're gonna be first on the list for the very next one. I'm sorry Colivers, if you're hearing about it like this, but this sign, if you could only see the mastery of it all, you'd understand why this has supplanted the Boz Autobiography as best gift I've gotten. I'm telling you, I love the book, but this sign ... this sign.

So, I bought the Nirvana Boxed Set finally. I already had the music downloaded, but I needed that fucking DVD. It's pretty kickass. If anyone wants to watch it, let me know. Nirvana Fo Life Fo Sho

Well, that's all for now, Ndugu,

All my best,

Current Mood: Saggy Granny Titties
Current Music: The Vines - Winning Days

2005-03-02 06:58 pm UTC (link)
Glad you like the present. I always end up winning in the end. And most people fall in love with me at some point or another. It's just something that happens. Word