Long Live Emperor Putin!.

Am I right? If that guy isn't still running things this time twenty years from now, I'll eat my oversized fuzzy wool hat. Most likely with a side of borscht in honor of our immenent Russian takeover when America is fully IN the toilet.

Look, I'm not gonna lie to you, if Hillary Clinton wins the Democratic nom, I'm placing my vote elsewhere. I'll go green, I'll find some other third party candidate, I'll put all my sway into the Mickey Mouse / Donald Duck campaign. But I won't vote for that soulless shrew. She's only out for number 1 and how exactly is that different than G.W. Bush?

On the plus side, it looks like things are kind of falling apart for her campaign lately as she desperately attacks my boy Obama. All anyone's talking about now is how Hillary's Going Negative. And her numbers are slipping as a result. What she needs more than anything right now is for Bill Clinton to ejaculate on some fat woman's dress. Get the sympathy vote back on her side.

And the Republicans look about as despicable as ever. Mike Huckabee is your Christian Vote; Mitt Romney is your Rich Bastard Vote; Rudy Giuliani is your Crazy Warmongering Sonofabitch Vote; and John McCain is obviously your Black Vote.

I'm here to tell you right now, America, if you vote Giuliani in as our next president, you will miss the days when we had it so well with the G.W. Bush regime. That guy's about as stable as Britney Spears and Amy Winehouse at an 8-ball convention; he's a bigger liar than JonBenet Ramsey's parents; he's more of a scumbag than that self-hating homosexual bigot Larry Craig - and this is all rolled up into one pathetic, pitiful excuse for a man who brings up our nation's biggest tragedy every chance he gets. Because his only claim to fame is that he happened to be in charge when bad shit happened.

Eight years ago I was terrified. I knew we had Supreme Court Justices on the brink of death, we were hitting a recession, and this Bush guy was promising things that would cripple us economically for decades to come. Al Gore lost and I was downtrodden. Four years later, I was frantic. SURELY this country would see the error and pick the Anybody But Bush candidate! I'd never had so much invested in a campaign in my life, and I worked as diligently as I was capable to get John Kerry elected. Again, my man lost, only this time I was more numb than anything. I was like a hooker who just had the shit beaten out of me while being raped by three frat boys. I just laid there sobbing, clutching my knees to my chest and rocking myself to sleep.

Now it's, what, 2008? Right now you've found me comatose. I'm too beaten down to care anymore. Mike Huckabee wants to teach our kids that dinosaurs died out 2000 years ago and force everyone to pray to Jesus every night? Fine. Mitt Romney wants to overturn Roe V. Wade and force us all to read from the Book of Mormon? Sign me up. Fred Thompson wants to take a 4-year nap? I'm all for it. Giuliani wants to drop bombs on Iran, North Korea, Cuba, Venezuela, China and Japan? Fuck it, I'll enlist right now.

Make no mistake, this country is headed straight for the toilet. We're ripe for the pickin's with our dollar as worthless as it is, with all the debt we owe to foreign countries, with all of our dependence on oil, with all the damage we're contributing to the environment. Twenty years, Luxembourg will be able to walk right up to the White House door with a water balloon and claim this land.

But fuck it, I still ain't voting for Hillary. Satan himself could be running against her and I'd have to say, "You know, for an evil fuck, he's got a pretty good policy on immigration."