Yes ... I Can.

I am ... somebody.

I am ... a political junkie.

I am ... astonished that my iTunes is functioning semi-properly.

I don't care about politics really. I don't sit around watching C-Span, I don't keep up on all the congressional votes, I don't mind impeachment hearings, I don't adhere to a strict regimen of staying informed, I rarely write my congresswoman unless it involves defending Howard Stern's right to talk about celebrity vaginas.

But every so often, just about every four years or so, with all that space in between being devoted to trivial knowledge in the realm of music and sports and entertainment and celebrity vaginas, my mind soaks up what's really important to this country like a thirsty Israelite after 40 years in the desert.

Do I suddenly feel compelled to stay informed? Do I infrequently aspire to be a semi-genuine brainiac in the field of relevancy? Or do I enjoy a good contest where there are winners and losers and strategery and competition, where huge importance is placed upon an outcome even though relatively little ever actually matters?

I'm into sports for that same reason. Will my team winning the Super Bowl make my life easier? Probably not, though I'd at least have a leg to stand on when drunkenly debating my friends. Will Barack Obama winning the Democratic nomination make my life better? How exactly will MY life change once he's president?

I know we talk about the environment and the national debt and the foreign policy and the economic climate like they're things that affect everyday people like you and me, but honestly, do they? Will cutting greenhouse gasses get me laid? Will reducing our dependency on foreign oil make me a better bowler? Will pulling out of Iraq get me published in a reputable magazine or journal? Will a robust housing market re-grow my hair?

See, those are the things that REALLY affect me. What can Barack Obama do to make me four inches taller and give me a better jumpshot in basketball? How will President Obama help me find the G-Spot?

Of course, I know what you're saying, all of these things he's promising, it's not necessarily for the people of today, it's for our country's future. I dig that. And what a wonderful world that will be ... until eight years pass and the country swings Republican again and all those steps we pursued in fixing our future are flushed in favor of sending us right back into recession with tax breaks for major corporations while I'm still not getting laid.

It's a nice idea to think that electing Obama will result in a tidal wave of victories for the righteous, where decades down the line we'll actually get to see the results of his policies in action, where maybe we can have a legislative branch coexist with an executive branch doing good for the people of this country instead of harm. But, that's the kind of utopia saved for Jesus Christ Superstar. That ain't reality. A balding, stout, unsexed 100-average bowler is reality. Nothing we do in the subsequent nine months will change any of that, because people of this country will never get their shit together long enough to set aside their prejudices for two seconds and vote for the man over the party. The man over the race. The man over the she-devil of a woman.

I swear to holy Christ above, if Hillary somehow screws the pooch by forcing the spineless Democratic party into counting the Michigan and Florida primary results - thereby giving her the delegate lead going into the convention - I along with all the millions and millions of disillusioned African American voters of this pisspoor excuse for a nation will write-in Barack Obama before I vote for her shyster ass over McCain. I'll take 1,000 years of McCain before I sit idly by and watch Clinton try to steal this thing from Barack. Mark my words, bitch, stand down and let the best candidate proceed.