Why Can't My Life Be More Like Jack Bauer's in Most Ways Except For The Crying?.

By the way, no bitching if you haven't watched the 4-hour season premiere of 24. I had to wait until last night and even THAT was too long!

1. Come on, really, what's Jack Bauer gonna do if he's not out there killing terrorists? Sit at a desk, eating Cheetos, leering for an uncomfortably long time at Chloe? That's Edgar Stiles' job! Granted, it would take a great man of Jack Bauer's stature to fill that seat (out), but I will not have that on my watch! Still, you can't deny the fact that he looks and sounds like a defeated man. What did those Chinese DO to m'boy?

2. Did anyone else notice that it took Jack about 8 minutes to go from Dirty, Hairy, Bearded, Grimey Chinese Prisoner to Clean-Cut-Jack? What, he doesn't get a nap? Maybe a meal and a soft chair to rest his bones? It's been 20 months, I gotta figure a little poontang is in order, don't you? Of course, that last one's just silly. Like I said, he had 8 minutes; plenty of time for Jack Bauer to clean up, eat, satisfy a dozen women, bringing them all to simultaneous orgasm, and still have three minutes of Cuddle Time.

3. Would you say that what Chloe has for Jack Bauer is a Man-Crush? It doesn't appear that she's physically attracted to Jack Bauer in the conventional "I Want To Have Your Babies" sense (as opposed to the sense that Every Human & Most Living Animals are naturally predisposed to "Me Love You Long Time" attraction to Jack Bauer based on instinct alone). But, you know, like a Man-Crush. In case you don't know, a Man-Crush is when a guy really likes another guy in a Kinda-Gay-But-Not-Really sort of way (see: Screech & Zack Morris, Seth Cohen & Ryan Atwood, Mark Sloane & That Guy He Works With Who's Really Into Dave Matthews).

4. Am I alone in my desire to see Martha have divorced ex-President Logan in between seasons, but then continue living in the White House and start shacking-up with new-President Wayne Palmer? I'm not gonna lie to you, I could go for seeing her milk jugs getting their Jungle Fever Freak On. She should just come with every new president that gets elected (that's what she said).

5. I've said it before and I said it last night: "Why don't people just listen to Jack Bauer's advice EVERY TIME WITHOUT QUESTION?" Then, Kon put it back in perspective, reminding me, "If they did that, the show wouldn't be called 24, it would be called 3." Of course, I'm exaggerating again. Three hours, that's crazy talk. With Jack Bauer on the case, the last two and a half hours would be devoted to Jack Bauer's Victory Orgy, which under normal circumstances - what with the FCC regulations and everything - they wouldn't be able to show on FOX, but since it's Jack Bauer, no federal agency has the balls to enforce regulations.

6. So, since when does Curtis grow a pair of testicles? I've always seen him as The Most Non-Threatening Afro American With A Gun. WHY CURTIS WHY??? Although, seriously, once you've seen Edgar Stiles die in a Nerve Gas Fight, the shock to the solar plexus really isn't there for someone like him. Still, it's Curtis! I always pictured him as having a goofy laugh, being friends with Zach Tobin, going to the IMA all the time to work on his biceps and jump shot (seriously, he IS Derrick the RA). You can't transform from that into Enraged Black Man on me! You just can't!

7. Speaking of the dead, we're setting ourselves up for quite the cast of Zombie 24. First and foremost, I'm gonna need to see some Zombie Edgar Stiles action, eating Morris's brains and then saying with his mouth full, "Oh, thorry Chloe, I didn'th mean to eath his brainths, but you don'th have to be tho tharcathtic abouth it!" Then, Zombie Curtis can run a group of Zombie Field Agents on a mission to kill Kim Bauer. And finally, wrap it all up with Zombie David Palmer kicking Zombie Sherry Palmer's ass up a flight of stairs.

8. Where's Aaron the Secret Service Agent? Why has it already been four hours and he hasn't graced us with his personality? Aaron's wit and charisma are sorely lacking thus far. Maybe he's boning Martha out behind the Presidential Bath House, but we better get him for more than the brief token appearance.

9. Speaking of missing presence: where the hell is Mike Novack? Why isn't HE Wayne Palmer's right hand man, instead of that snivelling little weasel who used to be on Ally McBeal? (speaking of which, did you know this guy was that art curator guy in Ghostbusters II? Check it out, next time you watch 24 and see Wayne Palmer talking to him, picture him exclaiming in a really bad foreign accent about Abu Fayed, "He is Vigo! You are like the buzzing of flies to him!"). There's always SOMEONE within the administration who goes and pisses me off; this guy so far wins the award of pissing me off in record time, within the first couple minutes.

10. So, apparently the new Arabic lady who works at CTU is named Nadia? Man, would I love to dress up as Emir Taylor, Young Man-Prince & Ruler of Islamania and welcome Nadia into my sexy harem. I'd give it to Nadia up, down, and sideways like a jackhammer. She's got it all! The hotness factor, she could talk dirty to me in another language, her titties probably smell like curry (or if they don't, they will when I'm done with them).

11. That being said, no one's taking the Hottest Bitch On 24 trophy away from Chloe O'Brien. Come on, we've grown up with Chloe, watching her blossom from the nerdy, awkward, antisocial phase on the show to the nerdy, awkward, antisocial, powersuit-wearing woman she's become. This, of course, brings up an intriguing idea: CTU Catfights. Chloe v. Nadia, winner taking on Zombie Michelle Dessler-Almeida. I want K-Y Gel, I want the temperature turned up to 95 degrees, I want both women starting off in tear-away power-suits, and I want to be Naked Referee Taylor caught in the middle (later to become Naked Loser-Consoling Taylor, in bed).

12. Who else looked at Joe Averagedad's very first few seconds on screen and thought to himself, "This guy's a goner already!" You know a guy's not long for the show when he's got the Deer-In-The-Headlights look and he's simply enjoying a cup of coffee in the morning with his family. Which is why I was so shocked that he skull-fucked that Component Master into the cement floor. You mess with Joe Averagedad and you get the horns, pal!

13. I don't care what he's done in his career before this moment and I don't care what Kumar does after this; he could go on to win 49 Academy Awards, bury his face in Scarlett Johansson's shaven poonanny every night, and live in a house made up entirely of breasts and it STILL wouldn't hold a candle to standing face-to-face with Jack Bauer and ALMOST getting shot to death by him. Jack had him in his sights, could've taken the shot, but then he realized Kumar's not all that important; why waste the bullets? Even one is too many!

14. Obviously it's lunacy to think of Jack Bauer and mortality (unless it's in the same breath as Mortality For Anyone Within A Fifty-Mile Vicinity OF Jack Bauer), but I couldn't help my heart from racing in those moments where he was tied to a chair and being tortured by Abu Fayed. Then, the show had to dip into a little MacGyver territory, leaving the hero beaten, bloody, tied up to a chair after 20-some-odd months of relentless torture by the Chinese government ... of COURSE he's going to escape! How about that vampire killing technique, though? Just when you think you've seen every possible way Jack Bauer could kill a man, here he goes throwing a 12-6 curveball.

15. You know, for a guy who's been tortured by the Chinese, Jack Bauer looks suprisingly well-fed; did you SEE him in that tight T-shirt? He had a little deer gut going on! What did they do, electrocute him and then feed him Malomars? All that scarring is pretty sick though. I bet that's a pain in the ass to put all over his body every time they shoot a new episode.

16. Don't you kinda wish Wayne's sister was a little crazier? Yeah, OK, so you've got to be used to this by now, right? There's ALWAYS some domestic aspect to the show every season. We put up with it - like we do those oh-so-necessary commercial breaks - because it gives us a chance to calm down before more action ramps up again. This one might be a little more interesting, though, because as an opinionated Black Lawyer and sister of the President, she could really bring down a Media Shitstorm over the White House.

17. Couple of questions: First, where the hell has Milo been all this time; I don't remember him AT ALL last season. Second, was that Kumar's dad in that internment camp talking with that other Arabian dude about the remaining nukes that are out there? And finally, do you think that since Joe Averagedad is no more, Jane Averagehotwidow will be down for some hot n' steamy Post-Apocalyptic Busting All Over Her Tear-Strewn Face? What with the atomic bomb going boom, I'm sure I'd have plenty of Radioactive Pearl Necklaces to hit her with while Joe Averageteenager is out buying me some delicious TACOS at Taco Del Mar.

18. Within a five minute span, we saw a bullet enter Curtis' neck and an atomic bomb explosion ... and we STILL didn't get a Silent Clock. Just goes to show how much Edgar Stiles means to humanity. By the way, don't you love it whenever you see the 24 president and his aides sitting around a giant screen as someone's trying to explain to him the staggering number of casualties they're predicting in their Worst-Case-Scenario Doomsday speech, and then the screen fills up with those little generic blue man-figures? Like, OK, that pile represents the dead ones, and then they usually go, "And this many will be hit by radiation" and the rest of the giant screen fills up with little generic red man-figures indicating millions more. They didn't do that second one yesterday, but I like the fact that they need the visual aid to determine what A Shitload Of Dead Americans looks like.

19. So, this is my prediction for the end of 24 as we know it, three years from now: Jack Bauer will die in a horrible manner. THEN, they'll make the 24 movie and it'll be a prequel of a young Jack Bauer, a young Curtis, and a young Other Guys Who Are Now Dead, either first getting their starts at CTU or even pre-CTU when they worked directly for the armed forces. Like, that Beirut thing they were talking about last time.

20. We've got 20 hours to go in the day and ALREADY we're seeing Jack Bauer crying? We really need a grizzled Tom Hanks on this show, spitting chewing tobacco and yelling at the simpering Jack Bauer, "There's no CRYING in Terroristball!" Kon's right, though. It's really off-putting to see Jack Bauer in tears. I think Jake more than anyone loses respect for the man when he sees that. Seriously though, it's only been four hours! I don't care HOW long you've been brutally tortured, stripped from your loved ones and way of life, never uttering one word, that's no reason to act like a little bitch!

21. 24 has to be the only show that's ever been made where I find the commercial breaks mandatory. They could be advertising nothing but Orphan Emporiums to Celebrities and Redneck Training Colleges to potential voters and I wouldn't care. I was COVERED in sweat after watching the first four episodes nearly back-to-back-to-back-to-back without breaks. Other ways 24 needs to be enjoyed: Watching Alone, or with true fans of the show. Either way, always remember one thing: Never Watch 24 With Anyone Who Was Born With A Vagina. Even though Kim Bauer is a piece of ass, I'm glad they wrote her off the show for one reason: she was a tool used by producers of the show to make it relatable to women. No woman should be able to relate to a show like 24. In fact, if your woman DOES happen to enjoy watching 24, I would recommend you leave that woman immediately. To fully get 24, scientists have proven that you need a base-level of testosterone that precludes anyone who was born with a vagina. Just check under the flap, is there manmeat under there you didn't notice before? If "she" enjoys 24, it wouldn't surprise me. Because most women do not; and if you try to watch 24 with a woman, you'll be bombarded with annoying questions about irritating things you'd rather not think about like "Plot Consistency" and "Realism." Men are fully capable of blocking these elements out when it comes to something so enriching as 24. Of course, women are too: look at how they go gaga over something like "The Notebook." There isn't one realistic fucking thing about that movie, and yet in THAT case they can manage to keep their traps shut. Interesting.

22. Everyone adores Jack Bauer, that's a given. Chloe is indispensable, we can all agree. Wayne Palmer makes us think of a Poor Man's David Palmer, so we give him a pass even though he's not fit to shine David Palmer's shit-stained toilet bowl. But, we really need that secondary character who makes things a little more special. Edgar Stiles used to fill that role nicely, with Curtis playing the part of Edgar Stiles If Edgar Stiles Were Allowed To Be Out In The Sun. You know, you had the Home Edgar Stiles and the Road Edgar Stiles. But, without them, without Tony and Michelle; hell, even without Chase, what are we left with? I'll tell you what: Morris McEnglishman, that's what! Morris is going to infuse a little well-needed life into this show, and I for one can't wait. Seriously though, if Milo doesn't pull the iron rod out of his asshole, I hope Morris just clocks him one in the jaw.

23. Who's the mole? Every year, we need at least one mole, either within the president's cabinet, within CTU, or preferably both! Obviously, the early money is on Guy From Ally McBeal & Ghostbusters II being an inside man. Now, were this show called "Scooby Doo", then we'd all be set up as believing this man to be a traitor when, in fact, it's someone we don't actually expect, like What'sHerName, the head of Homeland Security who ran CTU last season for half a day. This show likes to go to great lengths to make us look one way while the pass rush closes in around us, and then at the last second have us looking to a completely unknown receiver, heaving the ball 40 yards downfield. So, if I were to guess, I'd rule out Wayne Palmer definitely - they already did the corrupt president thing. It's not Jack Bauer because he's the greatest patriot this country's ever known. After those two and the obvious choice, I'd say it's fair game, so why not guess Chloe? Characters HAVE been known to make sudden and swift personality-changes on a dime (Nina, President Logan). I'm hereby putting Chloe down as the greatest fiend this country shall ever know - AND she'll get away, to terrorize again next season!

24. I don't know how any self-respecting man who happens to be even a slight fan of action-type movies/TV shows, Chuck Norris, MacGyver, guns, and/or explosisons (we're looking squarely at you, Nate) could NOT enjoy a show like 24. It takes a certain pig-headed stubbornness to outright reject a show of this calibre with no damn good reason backing you up. If you can sit there and watch anything on The History Channel, The Discovery Channel, The Learning Channel, or any of those other God-awfully boring pieces of shit for hours on end, you could sit down and watch the 4-hour, 2-day season premiere of 24. If you gave it a fraction of a chance, I guarantee you'd be enthralled; you'd want to go back and watch all of the previous seasons even though they really have no bearing as to what's going on this season. Still, in spite of fools who don't realize what they're missing, 24's audience has increased every season: this year is up 1-2 million viewers over the premiere last year. That's quite a feat for a show that continually kicks off with 2-hour premieres (doing the 2-day double dip the last two seasons). Watch it! Or don't. Don't watch and continue to be mocked and ridiculed as us Cool People get to sit around and talk about what great things we're seeing on television.

Boop. Beep. Boop. Beep.