She Told Me To Come But I Was Already There.

So, by all means, don't ask me why this thought came to me tonight, but as I was walking out of White Castle tonight, I got to thinking about that song. That "Crazy Bitch" song, you've probably heard it. They like to play it in bars because, well ...

I figure I might as well get into this, since I think it comes close. First of all, if you're TRULY a fan of Rock N' Roll, you have to like this song. I don't mean classic rock, I don't mean artsy shit like Radiohead or Pink Floyd. I mean Rock N' Motherfuckin' Roll. This song's got it. It sounds like classic 70s Aerosmith bred with some classic late 80s Guns N' Roses; except the singer sucks because he kinda sounds like Rod Stewart (that's the only thing that doesn't make me want to cream my pants about this song).

But, just listen to it! It's got a real good guitar riff, the whole thing's about sex, it's got a REAL easy-to-remember chorus. Granted, it's not very ORIGINAL, but this song came damn close to being ranked up there with some of those All-Time Bar-Rock Songs. I mean, up there with "Pour Some Sugar On Me" by Def Leppard, "You Shook Me All Night Long" by AC/DC, "Welcome To The Jungle" by Guns N' Roses, "Livin' On A Prayer" by Bon Jovi; you know, one of those ANTHEM songs. One of those songs where you hear it in a bar and you just wanna take your white trash, fat-assed woman out on the dance floor with your Budweiser and dance around like an idiot for four minutes, yelling the chorus at the top of your drunken, out-of-tune lungs whenever it comes up along with all the other drunken, white-trash rednecks in the crowd.

Alas, "Crazy Bitch" is lacking in a few key areas that should prevent it from ever reaching that elite status. First of all, sure it's about sex, but it doesn't make enough liberal use of innuendo like all the greats. With lines like "you fuck so good I'm on top of it," it'll never hit the big time. I'm no prude or anything, but I know music. If you're gonna reach the elite status, you can't curse. It's gotta be radio-ready because people HATE those damned censored blips. I mean, if you're ONLY hearing it in the bars, that's one thing. But, if it's not getting enough radio play because people don't like the clean versions of songs, that's something else. Those Anthem songs MUST be played to death 24/7, wherever you go. More than that, though, it's too direct. They're not clever with their lyrics like the great metal bands of the past. "Sometime, anytime, sugar me sweet / Little miss ah innocent sugar me, yeah!" It gets the same message across as "Take it off no need to talk you're crazy but I like the way you fuck me" but it's not so in your face.

One of the bigger things, though, would have to be the fact that it's Buckcherry. Now, I don't know about you, but when I think about the band "Buckcherry," I immediately follow that up with "Sucks." That's just me, though. I didn't like 'em four years ago when they got semi-big with whatever piece of shit single they had out there, and I don't much like 'em now; I think they JUST missed out on being immortals. Regardless, those other bands I mentioned, they had some measure of success before those Anthem songs came out, and that measure was MUCH bigger than Buckcherry's. You just can't go on hiatus for four years and be considered one of the top rock acts. The singer is shit, they're too formulaic, and in my eyes they might as well be one-hit wonders all over again. When you go from being a one-hit wonder, to having a four-year layoff, you've pretty much just grown back your musical virginity.

It's too bad, though, because I think we're ready to have a new anthem levelled upon us. It's time. I want to go to a bar and be able to belt out some shitty chorus line with all my drunken white-trash brethren and not have to feel like I'm an old fucker because I can remember when Bon Jovi was semi-cool, or when Def Leppard actually mattered on the Top 40 charts, or when shitty bands like Great White and Slaughter made trashy sex anthem knock-offs. I want to be new!

P.S. You know what the worst thing about doing it with your sister is? Breaking the crib. I heard that joke and I thought I'd share it with you all. Peas be with you.