Steven A. Taylor's Academy Awards Brouhaha (The Departed Little Miss Babel of Men Remix).

Rocky Balboa, shut out. FUCK! THAT! They give Peter Fat-Ass-Bloated-Piece-Of-Crap-And-His-Movies-Are-Fucking-Boring-Too King every award known to man at the culmination of the so-called Trilogy as a celebration of The Entire Series of bullshit Lord of the Rings movies; where's Sylvester Stallone's love? Fuck man, there were TWICE as many Rocky movies! You're telling me they couldn't throw him a fucking nomination as a man who has entertained the masses for going on four decades? These nominations boggle the mind every year.

So, I did a lot better this year. I think the only Best Picture nominee I'd seen before the actual Oscars were given out was "Brokeback Mountain." I still haven't seen "Crash", but I can see why Brokeback Mountain lost - it was HIGHLY overrated. I still contend that "Munich" should've won.

Anyway, I've seen three of the five movies up for the top prize this year (you have no idea how glad I am that "Dreamgirls" won't have an opportunity ... the greatest letdown of all time was when "Chicago" was dubbed the "best movie of 2003"). Of the three, "The Departed" was far and away my favorite, though I do hold a warm spot for "Little Miss Sunshine." What can I say, the indie movies move me. Prognosticators are probably already making this a two-man race between "Babel" (which I saw) and "Letters From Iwo Jima" (which I need to see). This is what you're going to hear, in less coarse words, "The Academy won't have the testicular fortitude to give a foreign film the Oscar for Best Picture, so look for Babel to take the cake." Bullshit. I think this is the year; the Academy loves nothing better than to fuck with us. If "The Queen" wins, I'll eat my hat.

I'm disappointed Leonardo DiCaprio wasn't nominated for "The Departed", but he was plenty good in "Blood Diamond." Nevertheless, there's no way he's winning. I haven't seen the other films in the Best Actor catagory, but I heard amazing things about Ryan Gosling; and Forest Whitaker DID nab the Golden Globe. If Will Smith wins, I'll eat my foot.

Bypassing the Best Actress catagory (because it's gay), I'll move right along to Supporting Actor. This is generally the first award of the night given - last year, George Sexiest Man Alive Clooney won right off the bat - so look forward to seeing Djimon Hounsou's dark African mug up on stage within the first 30 minutes (27 minutes being crappy monologue/opening sequence, the best time to make popcorn or e-file your taxes). He was far and away the most impactful performer I've seen this year. Plus, you know, being in "Blood Diamond" and being able to pass on the message of whatever, that's always good for warming hearts. I'd be shocked if Alan Arkin won for his portrayal as the heroin-addicted grandfather in "Little Miss Sunshine", but I'll definitely be rooting. He was definitely the highlight in that film. I hear Eddie Murphy's getting tons of buzz for "Dreamgirls" and that may turn out to be the chic pick (and the reason to give a black man a trophy once Forest Whitaker is robbed from his more-deserving Best Actor nod). If Mark Wahlberg wins, I'll eat my own ass (seriously, I don't know why he was even nominated! Alec Baldwin was TONS better than him in "The Departed." I mean, don't get me wrong, Marky Mark is one of my favorite actors - note I didn't say he's one of the BEST, he just happens to be one of my favorites - but I don't think this role deserves this kind of attention).

Supporting Actress sees two women from the movie Babel, and neither's last name is Blanchett. Good. Cate Blanchett just laid there like a lump of crap, she sucks. Apparently, far more than she does in "Notes on a Scandal" - which I still too need to see - which she WAS nominated for. However, we've got the old Mexican maid from Babel and the Japanese poonanny-flashing teenager from Babel duking it out. I'd say the Japanese Bushlady probably gave the better of the performances and is more deserving, but it's in a role that isn't all that pertinent to the MOVIE. I'd have to disqualify her for that fact alone. Jennifer Hudson won the Globe, so figure her to be a favorite. If the little girl from "Little Miss Sunshine" wins, I will walk out that door right now (every so often, they like to nominate a child; it never ends pretty, see The Sixth Sense).

Now, we go to Best Director. Every fucking time he makes a movie, Martin Scorsese is nominated for Best Director and every fucking time he sits in that Oscar audience he fucking loses. This isn't the best movie he's ever made, but it's in the top three. I see the Babel man is in there, as is Clint Eastwood who seems to win every fucking time he farts out a movie. Then, I see that guy who directed "United 93" is in the list. This movie wasn't nominated for anything else remotely major, it's about that fucking 9/11 airplane, and he's probably the least deserving guy to take that gold fucking statue. So, of course he'll win. If the guy who directed "The Queen" wins, I'll get down on my knees and offer him oral satisfaction right there in front of everyone.

So, that's about it for awards that matter. There's no Hustle & Flow this year, so the music catagory blows. Borat is going to LOSE to "Children of Men," for Adapted Screenplay, even though it was vastly funnier. Original Screenplay, again I'll be rooting for the indie; but look for the film that got jobbed out of the Best Picture nod (either Babel or Letters from Iwo Jima) to get this consolation prize. By the by, how funny is it that Apocalypto didn't even get nominated for Best Foreign Language Film? I didn't even know there were 5 movies they could string together for this catagory (Apocalypto did, however, get two nominations for sound-related issues).