Steven A. Taylor's Academy Awards Brouhaha (The Departed Little Miss Babel of Men Remix) Round Up.

As usual, my predictions have turned out to be utter chaotic bullshit. Although, I did give my anti-locks for the major catagories (for those who, had they won, I'd be feasting upon various parts of my own body) and they all came up huge for me.

Look, I may have only seen three of the five movies up there, but The Departed WAS the best movie of 2006. I don't care WHAT you smart-aleck Borat fans have to say, it wasn't Jack Nicholson holding a dildo and throwing cocaine around the room, all right? The Departed had the best cast, the best story, the best acting, and it was fucking Scorsese. 'Nuff said. And you have no idea how glad I am my prediction of Babel didn't come to fruition. Decent movie, though the themes were beating me over the head with a billy club.

You know, it's cool that Scorsese finally got his Susan Lucci moment on the big stage, but just like when Denzel won, how could you not think that this is a few years (or decades) too late? Denzel should've won for Malcom X (losing to Forest Fucking Gump?) and Scorsese should've won for Goodfellas. I know I said that The Departed was the best movie of the year, but it's a far cry from Goodfellas or Taxi Driver or even The Last Temptation of Christ. A FAR cry. Maybe, over time, it'll grow on me, but for right now it's like seeing Marlon Brando in "The Score" alongside Robert DeNiro and Edward Norton. Great actors, shitty fucking flick. The Departed isn't nearly as bad as The Score, but it's in that same realm when compared to Goodfellas.

Moving on, kudos to The Second Blackest Man In Hollywood winning the best actor nod (Number 1 being, obviously, Wesley Snipes). I'm just happy I don't have to give a shit that Forest Whitaker won for that movie I'm probably never going to see; I'll just pretend he won a belated best-actor Oscar for his role in Bloodsport. With him and Denzel and Halle Berry (and Will Smith being a multiple-nominated actor) winning in the last ten years, among others probably, we can finally put Civil Rights to bed and declare equality for all. Kumbaya m'lord, Kumbaya.

I'll forever contend that Djimon Hounsou was jobbed out of the Supporting Actor Award, though I'll take the exchange if it means that Eddie Norbit Murphy takes the fall in that simpering Dreamgirls movie. Besides, the award went to a worthy man. Alan Arkin fucking KILLED in Little Miss Sunshine! He was far-and-away the best part of that movie. Plus, I'm glad it won a little sumpin' sumpin' (this award and also one of the Screenplay awards).

I couldn't care less that Jennifer Hudson went from nobody to American Idol reject to Academy Award winner in the span of a year. I'd just like to point out that another child actor lost yet again, as should always and forever be the case. Child stars are fucked up as it is, why add the burden of being an Award Winning Fucked Up Child Star?

The Departed stole my other screenplay award from Children of Men, which I thought should've been considered a little more strongly for Best Picture. An Inconvenient Truth surprised nobody with its win over "Never Heard Of It", "Never Heard Of It", "Jesus Camp", and "Never Heard Of It". Nor did Al 'Glory-hole ... I mean Hog' Gore and his stealing of the director's spotlight to talk about his environmental cause that - for one night at least - no one in Hollywood gives two fucks about. Every year, the documentary award winner uses their victory as a mandate to talk about whatever cause their film touted, and every year everyone in America rolls their eyes and no good comes of it.

So, that's the Oscars. To those of you who sat around for 4 hours, what the fuck? Didn't you know I'd be here to recap it all for you in the morning?