"All you have to do is say, 'Buddy want a treat?' and he'll shut up. Oh yeah, he's a real good dog, but kinda simple, you know? Don't tell him I said that though, or he'd kill me. Well, normally he'd never hurt a fly, but he has been known to viciously attack on occasion. Especially when he thinks you're making fun of him or undermining his intelligence.
"Yeah, well, you know, like there was this one time, I was throwing the ball to him in the house. And, I'm throwing it, down the hall, down the stairs, into the kitchen, and he'd run all around and tire himself out eventually. But, this one time, I decide to be a little cheeky and pretend to throw the ball. He ran all around that kitchen, running into cupboards, slipping this way and that. When he came back to me, I was laughin', boy I tell you what! He didn't like that too much. Oh no, he didn't like that much at all.
"He's a golden retriever. Yeah, I know, that's what they told me at the puppy mill! They said, 'These make excellent pets.' Sure they do, just don't try to threaten one with a rolled up newspaper! Man, I thought he'd never let go of my neck! But, what was I supposed to do, you know? Reward him for crapping on my commemorative Elvis plates? They're one of a kind! Oh, oh really? You can get those online? Well, shit man! That little nugget of info could've saved me a few grand on hospital bills!
"Give Buddy away? Never. Nuh uh. No, he's my best friend. Oh yeah, we do everything together. Long walks, tummy rubs; you know this gash I got right here over my eye? Yeah, that's from wrestling. Mmm hmm, he's pretty strong, so he usually wins, but this one time, I had him down on his back. Of course, the only way to get out of it was to scratch the hell out of my face. The doctors thought I'd be blind in this eye, but they patched me up just fine.
"Oh no, he doesn't take too kindly to rules. I mean, when he was younger, I tried to get him to obey, but it was pretty obvious early on who was gonna be running the show. Yeah, well, I was pretty shocked when he was a little over a year old by the time he started talking. I mean, that seems pretty young, right? Young for a dog anyway. Nothing much at first, just stuff like what he wanted to eat and where he wanted to go.
"I know what you're thinking. I'm not one of those crazy fucks who goes around committing crimes because their dogs are telling them to. I had a lady back to the house one day last year and Buddy kept saying, 'Tie her up, rape the shit out of her, then slit her throat.' But, I didn't listen. I mean, sure it would've been nice to've gotten some action, but I could've gotten in some real bad trouble! I don't think he liked that too much. And he really didn't like her, so I had to leave her. Yeah, that night. Mmm hmm, I just told her, 'Listen, Buddy's not really taking a shining to you, so I think you should leave.' Oh, you know, she said something about 'priorities' and 'crazy' but I wasn't really listening.
"I see your point, but the thing you don't realize is that I've gotta live with Buddy. Give him up? Are you nuts? Even if I wanted to, there's just no way! Not since I signed over the house to him. He figured it'd be in both of our best interests. I make all the money; Buddy handles all the finances. Oh yeah, he's a stickler for the budget. Sometimes he needs help with the calculator, but that's about it.
"Listen, can I call you back? It's time again. Well, he's got that look in his eyes; it can only mean one thing. Yep, there it goes. I'm gonna have to hang up now. What can I say, Buddy just isn't into fucking within his own species. Oh it hurt at first, but now I'm - Oh God! I have to go! Buddy! Not so rough! I just got the stitches out last week!"