The Definitive Bullshit.

I was only gonna post one time today, but I'm a sucker for Best Of lists, especially when it comes to my second-favorite topic of all time (number one still being and always has been: titties). And so, I present to you, The Definitive 200: The New York Daily News List of the Top 200 Albums Of All Time.

You and I are going to read along together, I'll give you my reactions AS THEY HAPPEN!!!

(by the way, if you only have time to read one post today, read the one before this where I talk about my stab-happy ex-super downstairs)

Before looking, let me just think if I can cipher my way into what would be MY Number 1 Album of all time ... I'm guessing it would be Guns N' Roses - Use Your Illusion (I and II). If I was to guess what would be number one on the list, I'd have to say Pink Floyd - Dark Side Of The Moon.

Aaaaaaaand, it's the Beatles. Should've seen that coming. "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band". OK, so I'm in the process of giving this album repeated listenings (it's on regular rotation, about once every three months or so), and therefore cannot give a proper response. My gut feeling is, "NO. Not the best."

The Floyd hit with Number 2 though, and Michael Jackson rounds it out with Thriller at number 3. I have no problem with that. Nor do I take umbrage with Led Zeppelin's "IV" coming in at number IV.

But, I'm fucking sorry, "The Joshua Tree" by U2 is NOT worthy of being in the Top 5! If we were making a list of the Top 200 Half-Albums of all time, I'd be right there with you. I might even make it Number 1, but the non-singles on that album are as forgettable as that time I drunkenly made out with that fat chick and proceeded to spend the next twelve hours throwing up. It's not even the best U2 album! It pales in comparison to "War" and "The Unforgettable Fire" and even "Achtung Baby"! Bollocks!

Rolling Stones (Exile on Main Street), Carole King (whatevs), Dylan (Highway 61 Revisited), Beach Boys (Pet Sounds), and Nirvana (Nevermind) round out the top ten. Hey, look at that, Pearl Jam there at number 11! Way to be daring there Daily News, I never woulda thunk Seattle got so much props.

Nothing really stands out until you get to 21, with Shania Twain's "Come On Over". Really? I listened to that album, it sucks. I mean, what is this, are you trying to be fair to all genres? So you go and pick this album? I would think there are quite a few Garth Brooks fans who'd like to share some words with you. And, if this is an equal-opportunity list, then where's "Kind of Blue" by Miles Davis? You do realize that for the first 50 years of the 20th century, jazz was pretty much where it's at. I know they weren't all album-makers, but still. Let's get on the ball here assclowns!

Holy shit! Numbers 26-33 are all contemporary artists! Starting with Alanis Morissette, then going to Norah Jones, Eminem, Outkast, Dr. Dre, Beastie Boys, G N' R, and the Dixie Chicks. ALL ranking above "Kind of Blue". I'm resentful. Now, they're convincing me that this list is weighting albums who've sold a ton, not necessarily what they meant to music. That's the only way those albums can be ahead of "The White Album", Marvin Gaye's "What's Going On", the first Jimi Hendrix appearance, AND Neil Young's first appearance.

OK, so any list of albums that has the following bands in the Top 100 can no longer be taken seriously (let alone ALL of the following bands, which this list has): 50 Cent (57), Jewel (64), Kid Rock (68), Linkin Park (84), Matchbox 20 (91), Nelly (94), Creed (95), Celine Dion (97), and the Dixie Chicks twice (33 and 100). So, you're telling me you've got Fiddy and Nelly and two Eminem albums in the top 100, but N.W.A.'s "Straight Outta Compton" is 108, but Jay-Z doesn't appear until 128, but Public fucking Enemy doesn't show up until fucking 156, the Fugees at 163, and Nas at 185??? Where's Run DMC? Biggie Smalls doesn't get any love for "Ready to Die"? No Wu-Tang Clan?

Christ, I can't go on with this thing. It's driving me insane! It looks like they spent about an hour compiling this list, half of which was spent playing Madden 2007. If I was in charge of this list, I'd spend about a week's worth of 16 hour days agonizing over the 166th and the 167 pick. It looks like they did a top ten and started randomly shouting out album titles. You can tell, because there are some pretty landmark albums that appear in the low 100s, where it looks like, "Oh yeah, I forgot about Bob Marley! Elton John! Lynyrd Skynyrd!" and didn't bother to re-adjust the order.

Fuck you Daily News! Next time put some real fucking music fans in charge! You sure as shit won't see any fucking Creed in my fucking list!

P.S. - Mr. Irrelevant this time is, at number 200, Grand Funk Railroad "We're An American Band"