The Steve! True Hollywood Story: The Monster Mash.

I'd say for most people, there are two reasons why you'd get queasy while watching a movie: shaky camera work and too much gore (this includes An Inconvenient Truth). While the gore factor is tempered in Cloverfield (somebody explodes from the inside, but this happens from behind a transparent white sheet), the entire movie is in the form of a hand-held while on the run from a giant squid-gorilla that drops three-foot tall spider-things and slightly resembles Alien crossed with the Creature From The Black Lagoon. Don't say I didn't warn you fuckers.

First of all, if I can, I'd like to dispell some technical problems the film faces. OK, so somebody needs to give me the make and model of the videocamera the characters use, because honestly, I've seen airplane Black Boxes withstand less turbulence and carnage. How the government ever uncovered any footage from this thing is a miracle of all miracles.

Secondly, at one point in the movie, the characters find themselves at the Spring St. subway station. For anybody in the know, this is a Green 6-Train station smack dab in between the Village and the Lower East Side. Since trains aren't running, they decide to run in the tunnels northbound. Now, unless they made corresponding transfers at 14th St./Union Square, then again at Times Square/42nd St., I just don't see HOW they ended up at Columbus Circle (which is at the south-western corner of Central Park).

AND, I don't know which alternate universe the J.J. Abrams was depicting, but I've never been in a subway station and received one iota of cell phone service. That's not my crappy phone, that's simply because NOBODY gets cell phone service in subway stations!

But, OK, let's just pretend I never lived in New York and these people owned the Sony Indestructo 2.1 MP High Definition Camcorder. Suspending disbelief, Cloverfield is probably one of the better monster movies you're going to see this year (mind you, I've yet to see the latest Rambo installment, and I wouldn't discount the possibility of another Hilary Swank star vehicle). See, I don't get queasy from shaky camera work; on the contrary, I find it far more engaging than anything Michael Bay would churn out with an additional $100 million budget (Cloverfield was made for $25 mil). If this movie was made any other way, I'd be complaining MUCH more about the lack of full-frontal nudity or cleavage on a whole.

There's a heroic simp who goes after the love of his life (that we find out he only managed to fuck the one time), there's the sarcastic chick from Mean Girls who gets hit on constantly by the giant douche working the camera and providing the entertainingly annoying commentary, there's the token girl of color who brought little more to the table than being the Emotional Wreck. There's artillery fire, massive building destruction, night-vision freakouts, and most importantly, one bad-ass fucking monster who WILL NOT be stopped! And, from what I recall, absolutely zero soundtrack to provide manipulation for how the audience is supposed to feel (in other words, that sense of impending doom is au naturale).

See it in the theater if you're going to see it at all, because unless you're getting monster shrieks in 5.1 surround sound stereo, you're not getting the full Cloverfield effect.

By the way, I should probably warn you that this article is up your ass with spoilers ...