Crazy Lady on the Floor

I remember this one day, while sitting around the fly-infested cow carcass, I was enjoying a particularly bloody, particularly juicy cow's liver. Now, these things, you don't get just anywhere. You have to lure Angel out of her dungeon, brave the toxic perfume dragon, and find the purple and gold fuzzy-warm blanket amidst the leg-warmers and costume jewelry. With this magical blanket - used to belong to an imp named Devin if I'm not mistaken - you lie it upside down over a three-cheese, gelatin-filled, double-patty hamburger and it will magically animate into a real, live cow. Now, if you don't stab this cow in the eye three times with a toothpick, he'll find his way out and run amok, killing dozens of vegetarians along the way. Luckily, that bitter, evil, average-looking imp I was telling you about happened to have one toothpick left over from the last time he scraped the toe jam from his disfigured feet. Anyway, the carcass was rotting and smelling pretty bad, so we left it there in a lump outside of Angel's dungeon. Now, we all knew this day would come. She promised. She told us she'd die - that she'd kill herself to save any animal from being slaughtered. So, I was enjoying my raw cow-innards, with my cow-innards-eating grin on my face, and she came a-stomping out of her lair. I could tell by the smell that many a dram of grog had passed through her system in the last ... oh, let's say 47 years. Yeah, that looks about right. The she-hag looked sullenly at the blood soaking into the dank fibers of the carpet with her cold, bloodshot eyes. Oh, the sounds this devil-woman can make when she's crazy. And, she's been crazy for - what did I say? - 47 years now. We all knew she was faking. That is, until she started chewing on her wrists. When she started shaking her blood all over my cow intestines, I finally lost my appetite. She died right there on my perfectly delicious cow carcass. Damned if she didn't scare all the flies away. And to think, they want to send me to the dungeon as a punishment for causing her emotional distress.