Ahh fuck! Ahh fuck! What do they tell you to do when this happens? Ahhhhh fuck!

They, OK. Fuck! OK. Fuck! Fuck, fuck, God dammit, fuck! OK. Don't panic! That's what they tell you to do. You don't fucking, God damn, fucking panic. You fucking ... fuck! You just fucking lie here and you fucking wait for help to arrive. Fuck!

But what if help doesn't arrive? Huh? You ever think of that? What the fuck if fucking help doesn't fucking arrive? What then, asshole? What if it's just me, alone, bleeding to fucking death because no help arrived while I was lying here not fucking panicking?

So, you're saying I should get to a phone. Right. Fuck! Right. Well, Einstein, the fucking phone is all the way up there on the fucking table, and you're down here bleeding to fucking death.

That means I've got to stand. Fuck! Ow! Fuck! OK, standing's not a part of the deal. Maybe rolling? Maybe rolling over and pulling on the cord and yanking the phone down to the ground ... oh, that's right, there is no cord because this is the 21st fucking century and nothing has a fucking cord to yank on when you're lying on the ground bleeding to death!

How're the pipes? "Help." Sounds weak; sounds feeble. Sounds like a fucking man who's been shot in the stomach and is now lying on the fucking ground bleeding to fucking death! "Help." Yeah, keep wheezing asshole. Help'll be here any fucking minute.

Got to think. Must ... think. What about that rolling? The door is still open and if I can just; fuck! No rolling. No moving of any kind. Fuck! Motherfucking ... what if I kick the ground, kick the floor. Maybe somebody will hear that and ... ow ow ow! No moving.

OK, so I'm just gonna lie here. I'm gonna lie here and I'm gonna; hey! Hey, hey, "Hey! Ooo." Not too loudly. Fuck, who's that, "Come back. Hey." Shit man, he almost walked right by; how does he not notice the fucking man shot on the, "Hey, hi, can you get help?"

"Excuse me?"

"Can you ... ung ... can you call for help?"

"Call for ..."

"9-1-1. I've been ... ung ... I've been shot."

"Oh. Oh. I'm supposed to -"

"Can you please just call 9-1-1?" -- "Ohh, Ohh," -- "Whoa, wait, hey, I'm sorry, come back, please come, thank you."

"I'm supposed to -"

"I know you are, I know, but can you please call a doctor in here first?"

"Well, I guess I could -"

"The phone's on the table there."

"I could maybe see if a doctor might want to come up here and -"

"Right there on the table, that's right."

"It's pretty late, though, I just don't know if we'd be able to find one so close to -"

"Yes, 9-1-1, that's right, 9-1-1."

"With it bein' a holiday and everything, it just seems to me that -"

"Will you just make the fucking call!"

"Ohh, ohh -"

"No, shit, fuck, no. Sir! Wait! The phone! Come back! That's my phone! Oww, fuck." What the fuck? Who ... what ... what the fuck?

Christ, all that talking sure didn't help things. Fuck. Fuck! Fuck me. Fuck me. I should've just had him hand me the phone. Fuck. Fuck! Who the fuck was, "Hey!"

"Hey yourself! Well now, look at you! You look like you're in bad shape!"

"I am in bad shape ..."

"Ted's the name. Teddy Thomasson from Rhode Island, New Jersey."

"Ted ... Teddy ... Rhode Island? New Jersey?"

"That's right, friend! Born n' raised! And what might your name be?"

"I'm ... OK good handshake. My name's James."

"'Name's James' Ha ha! I like that, friend! Yer name's James. So, James, what can I do ya for?"

"Well, Ted -"


"Teddy, as you can see here, I'm in a bit of a predicament."

"Well sure, friend! Sure as sunshine, you're bleedin' like a cancerous colon, you are!"

"Right. So, as you can see, I'm in need of some professional help."

"Brother, don't I know it!"

"Yes. So, anyway, would it be too much trouble to have you call -"

"Oh, shoot! You know what, friend? I'm late for a ... this thing I'm supposed to be at and ... well, you understand."

"Ted; Teddy wait!"

"Sorry friend, hope you feel better!"

Shit! Fuck fuck shit! What the fuck was that? Oh bloody hell, why don't I just up and die alread - "Hey. No, no, don't ... please don't cry. Miss ... Miss ..." Fuck!

OK, mussn't get excited. Must stay calm. Fuck shit fuck! OK. No phone, can't rely on anyone for assistance, can't move from this spot without intense pain. OK. Fuck! I'm fucking fucked. I'm fuck ... fuh ... fuh ... ff ...