You Know The Drill.

So, I'm sittin' there, on the train. And, I'm minding my own business, it's what you gotta do, right? I have my headphones on, I'm trying not to think about the fact that it's only Wednesday, that I gotta go home to the wife and the chores and the kid who won't shut up. I'm just tryin' to sit there and enjoy my music and hope that, for whatever reason, she's decided to pack up the kids and dog and all that and stay with her mother for a week.

Then, there's this guy who's comin' into our car from the next one over, and he looks like any other bum would look. Haggard, dirty, probably smelled real bad, but he was on the other side of the car so I really couldn't know. He just walks in, and we're in between stops, so the train's movin' a hundred miles an hour or so. But, he doesn't have a cup, or a limp, or some hideous burn disfigurement. He's just a regular, dirty lookin' dude with long tangled up hair.

This happened to be a quiet point in the song, so I could clearly hear him say, "Everybody listen up! This is a robbery!" You better believe I turned off my mp3 player as soon as I heard that. Tried to hide the earbuds so he wouldn't think to take it, this damn thing cost me five hundred bucks! Of course, all the ladies gasped and everyone was all up in arms about the whole damn thing. "Oh no, we're being robbed, I hope he doesn't go crazy and kill us all!"

So, he's on the other end of the train, and we're still moving as this is a particularly long trip between stops, like a couple minutes or so. One by one, he's taking wallets from the ladies' purses and the gentlemen in suits, and he's, like, shoving them down his sweatpants. Like, you know, the kind that have the elastic bands around the ankles. Anyway, he gets down towards me, maybe five or six people away, and this dude - this big dude with a fat bald head and shoulders as wide as a whole cow - he doesn't have his wallet out. So, this bum-lookin' guy, he has his hand out and he says, "Gimme yer wallet," and the fat bald head goes, "Where's your weapon?" And the bum-lookin' guy, he's all, "I don't have one; now gimme yer wallet!"

That's when fat bald head rises up with a punch to the gut, bringing the bum-lookin' guy to his knees. He strips him of his sweat pants and tosses the pile of wallets over to the idiots who handed them over.