Eating Out

Do you go out on these often? ... No, no, I mean blind dates. ... Yeah, me neither. Well, actually, I rarely get out of the house anymore. Hmm? Oh, you know, I ... uhh, I have no life. ... Yeah, exactly. ...

So, how do you know Maryann? Ahh, I see. Yeah, we've been friends for almost a year now. I thought there might've been something there at first, you know, but ... it didn't really pan out. Hmm? Oh, I'm not disappointed, really. Now, we're, like, best friends. I mean, it could've been amazing - at least I think so - but we both sort of made the decision to keep it friendly like. Leaving out the hanky panky as they say. ... Yeah, actually, I don't know of anyone saying that either. ...

So, what do you do? ... Oh really, a "systems analyst" huh? What exactly does a "systems analyst" do? Uh huh, mmm. I see. Yeah, I have no idea what you just said, but it sounds fascinating. ... Well, nothing so complicated or challenging, that's for sure. I'm an artist. ... Oh yeah, well, you see that painting over there? ... No, the blobby one with the sparkles. ... Nope, didn't paint it, but I did write a scathing review of that piece of garbage in my college news-magazine. ... Oh, well, it was actually sort of an online magazine. ... Um, well, uhh, it was part of a larger website ... I guess some people call them "blogs." ... Yeah, yeah, I know, but I treated mine strictly as a news and entertainment magazine. ... Mmm, 20, 25 hits a day. Oh yeah, I still keep it up. Hoping for that big break any day now. ... I deliver pizzas. Yeah, I've been with Dominos for about three years now, ever since graduation. ... I like it; make decent money. It's just until I get my writing career off the ground, anyway. ... Yeah! You ever want any sweet pizza deals, you ask for me. I can get you triple topings for the price of one. Oh yeah. ... Yep, over on Carter Avenue. ...

You look really ... sexy tonight. Yeah, Maryann showed me your picture and I was like, "Who's that skinny chick with the pointy nose?" and she said, "That's Kathleen. You'd really like her." So, I said, "Why not?" But, that picture really doesn't do you justice. ...

So, what did Maryann say to you about me? ... Oh, come on! I already told you what I said! ... Really? She said that? Well, I don't know if I'm "weird;" maybe "different," I guess. ... OK, OK, a "little" weird is better. I'll buy that. Is that it? ... Hmm, well hell, based on that limited information, what are you even doing here? I guess it's true what they say, "Beggars can't be choosers." ...

Maryann said you're coming straight from a funeral tonight? What was that like? ... Oh, cancer huh? Yeah, old people will get that. Can you excuse me, I have to go to take a leak.

***

Hello? Hey Maryann. ... You said to call if things went well. ... No, no we're still here. ... I told her I had to go use the restroom. ... Well! I just wanted to see what you were doing! ... Oh, with Richard, huh? I see. ... Yeah, well, it looks like this girl really wants me, so I better get back. Have fun with your boyfriend. ... Yeah, OK, whatever, I gotta go. ... Well, sorry to bother you! Maybe I just won't call you anymore! ... Yeah, OK, all right fine. Have a nice life. ... Whatever, if that's how it's gonna be, I'd rather not bother. Don't worry, I'll lose your number real quick. ... No, no, if that's what you want ... whatever. Fine. Later then. Bye.

***

Hi, I'm back; what were we talking about? ... Oh, yeah ... right. ...

Hey, listen, you know what? I think you're really great. I do, I think you're a great person and I think I'd like to get to know you better. ... Huh? Oh, oh no. No, I didn't mean like that. I mean, uhh, well, I'd like to ... eventually or whatever, but ... listen, these things, for these kinds of things to work ... relationships or ... you know, what might be a relationship or ... you gotta have trust. Now, I know I just met you and everything, but I'm gonna go ahead and put a lot of trust in you and ... wait, wait, just listen to what I have to say.

See, I don't get out too much. I think I already mentioned that. Um, so I'm not too good with ... I'm not very smooth, let's put it that way. I don't get around with the ladies. ... I don't ... I haven't ... I haven't really, actually been with a woman. Like, ever.

And I know, I can see you're uncomfortable right now, but I've just gotta tell you, I'm okay with it. I am. I mean, it's something that's just out of my control. ...

No, not impotent. Not really. Everything works all right. Doctors even say everything's OK. No, it's more of a mental thing. ... Hmm? No, my self esteem ... well, it's not great, but I'm not a wreck either. I'm here, anyway. If I had no ... well, I don't think I'd leave the house.

See, what happens is ... well, let me see ... it goes back to when I was six or seven and my senile old grandmother used to make me fuck her with a dildo. ...

Wait! Don't go! Sit down, please. I'm trying to open myself up to you. ... Because, it's important. It's a part of who I am, and I want you to know that first thing, so we can move past it. See, it explains why I freeze up whenever I'm in bed with a woman. ... Yeah, of course, of course I've had opportunities. I just can't really ... deliver. ... Well, I'm there, and I'm staring at it, and all I can picture is my grandmother's contorted face screaming out my name in ecstacy. ...

Wait! Please ... okay. I understand. Can I call you? OK, maybe in a few days then. OK, bye. ...

***

Hi. ... She left. ... I dunno, I thought I was doing OK. ... You know, just the usual casual conversation stuff. ... I know. I'm sorry about earlier. ... Really? He won't mind? OK. OK. Thanks Maryann. ... I know you tried. I guess I'm just destined to be alone forever. ... I know. You're right. Thanks. I love you too. I'll be over in a few. I'll pick up a couple movies on the way. ... OK, the extra-buttered kind. All right. Bye.