Haven't you seen,
Haven't you heard,
It's the birthday,
Of a really big nerd.
It's someone you know,
No she isn't obese,
But, if it's cake you're eating,
She'll take a John Goodman-sized piece.
And tonight she'll drink,
Until she's green in the face,
Stumbling over to the can,
To spew all over the place.
She'll make racist remarks
To minorities all night,
And she'll piss off the wrong Asian,
To start a Kung Fu fight.
She says, "Me Chinese,
Me play joke,
Me go pee pee
In your Coke!"
The fists start to fly
And some teeth fall out
Big Sarah goes down
Losing in a black-belt rout
But she gets up and says,
"For this you must die,"
The Asian laughs and returns,
"Bring it on, Round Eye."
Sarah gets in her stance,
Showing off fists of fury,
And pops the Asian twice in the eyes,
Making his vision all blurry.
Three more shots to the face,
And one in the sack,
Then she jumps on top
Riding him like a hog, bare back
All around the bar and into the street,
Can be heard, the shouts, "Mush mush"
The winos outside point and laugh,
"Look at that big, scary lush!"
A dragon flies down from the sky,
A fiery message he's got,
But Sarah slays the beast,
By stabbing him in the throat a lot.
Then enters Walker Texas Ranger
With his brand of Texas fight,
Sarah whips out her numchucks,
Beats Walker with all her might.
Don't forget Bruce Lee,
Back from the dead
A roundhouse kick to the temple
Knocks off the Green Hornet's head
Enter Sulu
With Captain Kirk and Spock,
Sarah shoots them all dead
With her phaser, not her glock.
Finally fed up,
Steve walks out to say,
"All this killing must cease,
And it must cease today."
Steve pulls out his bazooka,
Takes a moment to aim,
He fires one window-rattling shot,
But the result is the same.
Sarah jumps twenty feet
Into the air
The shot misses completely,
Not even messing her hair.
The battle ensues,
She's finally met a worthy foe,
Locked in a battle to the death,
Matching Steve blow for blow.
Then she remembers Steve's weakness,
Making a desperate last ditch call,
For the bartender to bring out
Gallons and gallons of alcohol.
Steve's unable to resist,
The pleasing, addictive taste,
He starts drinking and she starts beating
Him all over the place.
Steve's block is knocked off,
The battle is done;
Everyone good has been slain,
Only evil has won
But wait, who's that?
Just like a movie in the Old West,
Jesus appears,
Citing that only He is the best.
They stare each other down,
Ignoring the live and the slain,
Jesus calls out, "Draw,"
Sarah throws a dreidel through His brain
"Now the time has come,"
Sarah says to the mass
"For the Jews to rule since, once again,
We have killed that self-righteous ass!"
With her enemies vanquished,
And her honor in place,
Sarah pulls out Jesus's heart,
Rubbing the blood all over her face
All her friends inside cheer,
As Sarah lets out a triumphant roar
Then everyone gets naked,
Has an orgy in the gore.
Many died on Big Sarah's birthday,
But that's nothing new;
All the weary survivors joined hands and sang,
"Happy birthday to you!"