Little Timmy Bugaloo grew up to hate his parents. Big Tim Bugaloo, upwards of 260 pounds, decided to take his wrath out on his 14th birthday. He grabbed the keys to the family car, he connected a tube constructed of the now mangled garden hose from the exhaust pipe to the inside of the car, closing the window as tight as he could. He disconnected the garage door opener and dead-bolted the door with a key he promptly buried in the school soccer field five blocks away.

He left his suicide note where he was certain his parents would find it.


Little Timmy Bugaloo, as well as Big Tim Bugaloo's parents made it a point every day to vocalize their displeasure with their son. "We're very displeased with you," they'd say when he walked downstairs for breakfast. Whenever Little Timmy Bugaloo would have friends sleep over, his parents would warn them about Little Timmy's bed-wetting "problem." Then, in the middle of the night, they'd pour a warm glass of urine on Little Timmy's crotch. The next morning, they'd both shout, "See, we told you! He pees the bed." His friends called him "Little Timmy Bedwetter." Little Timmy Bugaloo didn't have any friends after that.

Big Tim Bugaloo wasn't always big. As soon as he turned 12 and started to get erections, his parents noticed the change in their boy. They decided it would be a fun mission to make it certain their son never got any pussy. They fed him ice cream for breakfast, Twizzlers for lunch, and a bowl of pig's fat for dinner with a side of fried chicken skins. Little Timmy Bugaloo loved getting all his favorite foods for his meals. But, when Little Timmy Bugaloo started getting big, he noticed the kids would start calling him "Big Tim Bedwetter Fat-Fuckface" at school. That was when Big Tim Bugaloo's parents started calling him "Big Tim Bedwetter Fat-Fuckface."

Every year for Christmas, Big Tim Bedwetter Fat-Fuckface's parents would buy him razor blades, bottles of poison called "Suicide Juice," and nooses in hopes that Big Tim Bedwetter Fat-Fuckface would kill himself. They'd make cakes for him for his birthday laced with laxatives and rotten cheese. They'd give him cards saying, "You're another year older. Why?"

So, after his third bout with diarrhea on his 14th birthday, Big Tim Bugaloo decided enough was enough.


Big Tim Bugaloo's parents finally saw the suicide note at 8 o'clock that night. After the birthday celebration that morning, Big Tim Bugaloo's parents left for the day to go to the park, in hopes of seeing children they would rather have parented. The glee in their eyes as they read the letter was only outshined by the shouts from their mouths. They ran downstairs to the garage to see if their dreams had finally come true. Sure enough, they opened the door to see a large lump of mass hunched over the steering wheel, not moving. Tim's dad tried to open the garage door.

"Damn, the button won't work," he said.

"Who cares, let's go over there and make sure he's dead," Tim's mom said.

They both approached the car. Three steps inside the garage, in giddy anticipation, proved to be their final undoing. They covered up their mouths and squinted as tightly as they could, through all the noxious exhaust fumes in the air. From behind, a sinister laugh escaped Big Tim Bugaloo's mouth as he slammed the door and locked his parents in their own personal gas chamber.

Big Tim's dad ran back to the door, pounding on it to be let out. Big Tim's mom frantically tried to get the garage door open. Failing that, they both tried to lift up the garage door until they spotted the deadbolt.

In their haste, both of their respiratory systems started to speed up. They were forced to breathe heavily, but that only served Big Tim Bugaloo's plans better. As a last resort, they tried breaking the glass to the car window, but it was too late. In their weakened condition, they couldn't even force a crack. With their last bits of strength, they saw that the large lump of mass hunched over the steering wheel was nothing more than a tackling dummy with Big Tim Bugaloo's clothes on. They both collapsed to the concrete floor cursing the day they ever stopped using prophylactics.

Big Tim Bugaloo walked upstairs to make himself a bacon, hot dog, and tongue sandwich. 27 hours later, he called the police, saying he'd found his parents dead inside their car, and a suicide note signed with both of their names.

The following morning, Big Tim Bugaloo grabbed his collection of razor blades, bottles of "Suicide Juice," and nooses and headed to school. By the end of the day, everyone who called him Big Tim Bedwetter Fat-Fuckface was dead.

... to be continued ...