Dear Mr. Fantasy.

I've heard of these Rock N' Roll Fantasy Camps - mostly because of that Simpsons episode featuring Tom Petty, Lenny Kravitz and all the others I've since forgotten - but until now I've never seen one advertised.

Well, I can scratch that achievement off the To-Do list; for this month's issue of Rolling Stone has a full-page ad featuring, from left to right, Jack Bruce (Cream), Slash (Guns N' Roses), Roger Daltrey (The Who), Vince Neil (Motley Crue), and Joe Walsh (The Eagles). Also listed also-rans include members of Iron Maiden, Bad Company, Yes, Joan Jett, Steely Dan, Megadeth, Queen, Aerosmith (a producer, not a band-member), Night Ranger, and - lo and behold - Kip Winger! From Winger!

This is a 5-day event in Las Vegas - because when you think of Vegas, you think of aging and inconsequential rock stars - over the Veteran's Day weekend. If I were 15 and this was 1996, I would be wetting my pants I'd want to go so bad. But now I'm a little more cynical.

Here's my thought: the five headliners show up on the final day to sign a few autographs for an hour, maybe they give a quick 15-minute speech, bing bang boom and they're back on the airplane to wherever it was they came from. Meanwhile, you're there stuck with Dave Ellefson asking him about his bass lines on Peace Sells and getting chest-glistening tips from Kip Winger.

Still, I guess it would funny to see a fat, bloated Vince Neil walking around with whatever Playboy bunny he's engaged to this month who's half his age and normally WAY out of his league, except he sang Girls, Girls, Girls back in the 80s and she totally remembers listening to that in the womb while her redneck mullet-clad parents drank Colt-45s and buttfucked in the back of their El Camino (you know, so as to not hurt the baby and all).

And Jesus Christ, just to see Joe Walsh fucking alive is a miracle in itself! Did you ever see him on the Drew Carey Show? He wasn't acting, he just wandered on the set thinking he was partying with Todd Rundgren back in the 70s.

And I know Slash is cool and all about rocking in Vegas, and Roger Daltrey will do anything to convince his senior-citizen fans that he's still got that Won't Get Fooled Again yowl in pristine condition even though he sounds like a dying badger with emphysema; but can anyone tell me what Jack Bruce is doing there? I mean, that guy I actually have mad respect for; he fucking played alongside Eric Clapton in one of the top three all-time rock n' roll bands! Cream, with the likes of Led Zeppelin and Guns N' Roses, never made a bad album; and unlike the other two, were 50 times more impressive to see live. I just can't fathom why he'd agree to slum it up with these slobs, unless he already had a gig in Vegas anyway and this advertisement is bending the truth a bit. No, you won't see him at Rock N' Roll Fantasy Camp, but if you wander around Las Vegas enough, you might catch a glimpse of him at a black jack table at New York New York.

If I ever make it on my own as a freelance writer, I'm making it my pledge to go to one of these camps before I die and give you a proper review of the goings on; but until then, there's no way in hell you'd see me spending my own hard-earned cash on a Vegas vacation full of has-beens. There's enough has-beens in Vegas as it is