Friday The 13th Part III.

Oh, fuck, God, my brain hurts!

OK, so first of all, assuming we all buy the idea of Friday The 13th (at least, after the very good, very underrated original), that Friday The 13th COULD happen, that there's this boy named Jason who drowned - or supposedly drowned - and somehow made it out alive (maybe) yet hideously disfigured (and with self-esteem issues derived therefrom) and lived in the woods for 20 some-odd years and secretly witnessed his mother's decapitation at the end of the very good, very underrated original ... assuming we BUY all that ...

I just ... this movie ... this third film in the series is SO BAD ...

It's like they found some porn producers, gave them the keys to the franchise, found a porn director and some porn dialogue writers and some porn script writers and gave them instructions to make a slasher film - without a single second of tangible nudity WHATSOEVER - and then told them to turn Jason into a complete lumbering fucktard who's no longer good at the one thing he's good at: killing stupid fucking people!

At one point in the movie, the girl who lives - because there's ALWAYS a girl who lives - she's recounting this night of terror where she was in the woods alone, attacked by Jason, somehow got away, was caught again, BLACKED OUT, and then somehow made it back in her own bed safe and sound never knowing how she got there. So, we're supposed to BELIEVE that Jason couldn't kill some dumb whore who blacked out because she was paralyzed with fear. REALLY!

I am at once regretting the decision to watch beyond Friday The 13th Part II. But, I mean, seriously, I had to see Jason with the hockey mask, and he doesn't GET the hockey mask until Part III! And I'll tell ya, after seeing this abomination, had I been a hockey player, I would've thrown out my mask in protest and taken up knitting!

Thanks to the fact that the first two were so great, I stupidly downloaded the next four in the series, thinking SURELY they couldn't be so heinous as to make me pray to everloving Satan that each and every character dies within 30 minutes of the film's beginning. I will say this, when Jason pops that guy's head like a grape and the eyeball shoots out of the socket ... Cinema. Gold.

I've got three more to watch, I can't even handle this.

Oh, and by the way, that little twist at the end - where they TOTALLY ripped off the canoe scene from the first movie - how in the hell does Jason's mother's corpse get her head back??? How many times are they going to retcon this fucking series before I have to go on a Jason-style kill-crazy rampage??? I swear somebody wrote this in the 15 minutes it took him to take a dump.