Will someone please explain to me what's going on on 24?.

Look, I'm as intrigued as the next guy with this whole "Evil President Attacking America for ... The Good of America" idea. Hell, who knows HOW many times it's actually happened to us in the past. I wouldn't put it past him if you told me that FDR sanctioned the attack on Pearl Harbor. Hell, he could've even masterminded it!

But, my beef here is with this whole sleight of hand thing they do all the time. They get you looking one way (the VICE President) for an hour or four, then they snatch the rug and reveal it's actually THE President. If they didn't spend so much time making the VP out to be an evil usurper of the throne from the first minute he stepped on camera, I might've actually been surprised when I saw Robocop talking to the President on the phone in the waning seconds of last week's episode.

However, like always, the casting director deserves an award of some kind. Every year they have to replace another batch of workers who either get killed, quit, retire, or for whatever other reason are no longer necessary to the show. I mean, the casting director brought us Edgar Stiles and Chloe; he gave us Samwise as the short little Napoleon doofus Lynn McGill; he gave us David Palmer AND this smarmy, spineless president we have now; he gave us Darlene Connor from Roseanne back in Season 2; he's given us hot-ass bitch after hot-ass bitch for the various villains; of course, we can't forget Robocop this season; nor could I fail to mention the catalyst for the show: Jack Bauer.

Time will only tell if Jack Bauer will ever surpass Chuck Norris in popularity. See, the only thing he's got going against him is that Jack Bauer is just a character, while Chuck Norris IS Chuck Norris. You're not going to have Jack Bauer in a movie where he's kicking ass with Jonathan Brandis in the jungles of Vietnam or on the karate square against local bullies. Jack Bauer isn't going to go undefeated in the Kung Fu National Championships ... unless for some reason he needs to for the purposes of CTU finding out the whereabouts of some nuclear threat in the Tokyo underbelly. Plus, you know, Jack Bauer doesn't have a beard. That beard makes all the difference. I mean, where else are you going to hide your extra fist for knocking the daylights out of someone?

But, I've gotta tell you, this season. Man, this season is wearing on every LAST nerve. First, it's David Palmer, then it's Power-Suit-Lady Michelle Dessler. We go on to lose Tony Almeida; Kim Bauer stays far too clothed for my tastes; the hand-less Chase is still nowhere to be found; AND Edgar Stiles is dead. Not to mention the fact that they KEEP trying to take the power away from Buchanan. If it weren't for the first lady's knockers and the potential for Secret Service Agent Aaron Pierce to SEE those knockers up close and bra-free, I'd seriously contemplate giving up this show for The Unit ... or whatever show Edgar Stiles pops up on next.

But, of course I won't. Because, no matter how predictable the show can be from time to time, I've got too much invested in it to back out now. There's still time to show "Daddy's Anatomy Lesson" with Jack and Kim Bauer. There's still time for Edgar's equally-capable twin brother Giuseppe Stiles to apply for Edgar's old position. There's still time for Buchanan to bend over the Head Bitch In Charge from Homeland Security and give her an Executive Order. And there's still time for Chloe to fly up to West Seattle, meet up with one Steven A. Taylor, and talk down to him while simultaneously fixing all his computer problems and pleasuring him with her free hand. I can only imagine what she'd say ...

"You call this a cock? God, looks more like a piece of sidewalk chalk rubbed down to the nub. You know, if I wanted to be with a guy who cried during sex, I'd go back to my ex-boyfriend. Sure he's a marine, but after I was finished brow-beating him, his limp pecker wouldn't even salute the American flag. Jeez, could you lick clit any more inefficiently? I swear, I've been more stimulated by watching Edgar's All-Pork-Rinds diet. Look, you tried your best, but if I didn't come the first three times you shot off inside me, what makes you think it's going to happen now? I've seen ultrasounds more endowed than you."

Ahh yes, good sexy times with Chloe. There's still time, Producers of 24

Bring Back Handless Chase!