You know a football game's going badly for your team when you find yourself flipping between that and the Hilary Duff show on the Disney Channel. I'd be in a more foul mood, but my mind's in a better place right now. A place where thought is shunned and those little plastic M&M candy toys are HILARIOUS. Look at him, the Red M&M is painting his little train. And the peanut M&M ... you know, he sure does look like a nut. Cup two of them in your hand and you've got a nice testicle replica.
Wow, Hilary Duff's all covered in mud ... wow, the dialogue is really terrible, but I'm powerless to turn away. I've gotta see if Cadet Duff's gonna make it through the obstacle course in time to get to the big dance. Boy, that sure looks like fun, let's see if the Seahawks could get a stop on 3rd down. I see beer commercials, that's a good sign. Either Dallas was stuffed, or they just threw a bomb for a touchdown.
Oh, look, Hilary's step-dad is the boss from Office Space. Lumberg? Lumberg! ANYONE BUT LUMBERG! Hey, cool, the Seahawks got the ball back. Still down 29-17. I wonder if the Sonics are practicing right now. Uh oh, I think Hilary Duff just got kicked out of the academy ... or something. Man, these later episodes are all heavy and shit. What, is I supposed to be watching the last season of Roseanne? Man, Hilary's mom is a huge MILF. Ooo, hey now, the Seahawks are on the goalline. Holy shit that was close. Sweet, sweet touchdown. 29-24. Back to the Duff duff. Man, Duff's Drill Instructor's pretty hot too. Oh, how apropos, Duff's DI's named "Stone." Do you get the symbolism? Do you? Because I don't think you do.
REEEAARR! Cat fight! Oooh, she just called Hilary Duff a maggot! Oh, Hilary's gonna figure out some payback. But, I'm powerless to follow it as she's in her pajamas. Seriously, why would the Disney Channel put this kind of show on? Don't they know there are perverts everywhere watching this this very minute? Oh, would you look at that. Dallas receivers dropping some balls. HEY now! Grant Wistrom with the sack ... 3rd down or Hilary Duff ...
Oh, Joe, the drama. Hilary's gonna make him lose his job as the Mr. Belding of the Army Acadamy. Everything's so sad now, this is bumming me out. Oh, we got this now! Drew Henson is quarterbacking! You know, for some reason, I don't think this is the Hilary Duff show. I think it just might be a movie. Seriously, there hasn't been a commercial in like 25 minutes. Wait a minute! This is a DVD! This is MY DVD!
This is why Marijuana's bad, ladies n' gentlemen. Man, seriously, I gotta focus. This is the only time the Seahawks are gonna be on late-afternoon television all season.
Ohhhh! Spaghetti sounds goooood right now. And speaking of limp white noodles, Hilary Duff can "Shine my shoes" any day. See, that's where I would've had the air quotes, suggesting sexual innuendo with a 15 year old girl, but not coming right out and saying that I'd like to perform a heinous sexual manhandling of her most precious gift to one lucky man on her wedding night.
TOUCHDOWN SEAHAWKS!!! 30-29 before the 2-point try! BOO YAH! 32-29!
OK, Jesus Christ, I've got this cut on my skin under my pinky toe (wee wee wee all the way home) right in the knuckle crack that won't heal, and I wear shoes and socks and my feet just sweat into the crack and, I guess what I'm trying to say is a second vage hole has opened up on my body and I'm gonna whine like a little bitch about it.
Note to self: Remember the Christmas Party this Saturday. 6:30pm. Bring present and 40s (note to self: don't give 40s as White Elephant X-mas present) (note to self: don't spell it X-mas). Let me see, what can I give. I've so much cool stuff, it's tough to decide. Really, you know it's going badly for you when your stuff is cooler than you are. Man, I've got Seahawks Troll dolls that are cooler than me! I've got Salma Hayek posters that are cooler than me! I've got this really kick-ass Gingerbread House I made in middle school that's like hardened to stone and tastes TERRIBLY that's cooler than me!
OK, this is good, I can stop watching, the Seahawks are up by 10 with 2:41 left. Oh boy, Hilary's face is about three inches away from some yelling female drill instructor's. YES! A MONTAGE! Hilary's gonna get better over the course of the song so she can try out for the drill team! It's just like in Team America! She's a pro now! Oh yes, Hilary and drill instructor hugging in tight white t-shirts.
Fuck, I just know if Dallas would've beaten us, I never would've heard the end of it from Mark "Oooo-I'm-so-great-because-my-team's-the-best-in-football-look-at-me-I'm-the-best-and-I'm-so-cool-and-you-all-can-suck-my-dick" Sloane. And, of course, from Colin "I-only-love-the-steelers-'cause-Mark-'Oooo-I'm-so-great-because-my-team's-the-best-in-football-look-at-me-I'm-the-best-and-I'm-so-cool-and-you-all-can-suck-my-dick' Sloane-loves-them-and-I'm-an-unoriginal-football-fan-with-no-actual-ties-to-anything-substantial-at-all" Olivers. As for Matt "I-love-the-Packers-even-though-their-best-days-are-behind-them-because-I'm-in-complete-denial-to-the-fact-that-we-need-Mike-Holmgren-to-be-a-championship-calibre-team" Roarty, well, they lost to the Bears and Titans earlier this season. No position to talk with their as of the second half-game lead on us.
OK, I'm done with the Hilary Duff movie. Yes, I've deemed it a movie, and over the course of this post, I have successfully "Come down" as it were.
Oh my God, are you fucking shitting me? Dallas just got a TD and the onside kick. Fuck me.
OK, no more typey. Must focus on the game.
Well, this is just fucking great! Mark! I don't wanna hear it! Colin! Suck it! Matt! Cram it! Fucking Seahawks. Mother ... Fucking ... Seahawks. I can't ... God-damn ... believe it. It's gettin' ... to be ... re-God-Damned-diculous. Oh Fuck Me, Engram YOU COULD'VE HAD THAT!!!!!! FUCK!!!
I'm losing my mind, everyone
Cowboys 43, Seahawks 39