Steven 1 - Is there anywhere you'd like to begin?
Steven 2 - Huh?
Steven 1 - Can you ...
Steven 2 - Hang on, what?
Steven 1 - Can you take off your headphones?
Steven 2 - They're off.
Steven 1 - OK, so as I was -
Approaching Woman - Excuse me, I'm all turned around here. Can you tell me where 30 Rockefeller Center is at?
Steven 2 - Yeah, you're gonna walk down that street, take a left and you're there.
Approaching Woman - Uhh ... thank you.
Steven 1 - That wasn't the way, you know.
Steven 2 - She doesn't know that.
Steven 1 - That's funny to you?
Steven 2 - I guess. It's just easier.
Steven 1 - Easier than saying, "I don't know"?
Steven 2 - Yeah. It comes without explanation. I live here, I'm supposed to know where the tourists flock.
Steven 1 - You've never been to 30 -
Steven 2 - It's hotter than tits out here!
Steven 1 - Yeah, it's what, 90 degrees out?
Steven 2 - Is that part of the interview?
Steven 1 - What ... that?
Steven 2 - Because, if you wanted to interview someone about the weather -
Steven 1 - Oh, no, it's just ... my editor said -
Steven 2 - I mean, I know a guy. He does the weather.
Steven 1 - No, that's OK, it's just that my old high school newspaper editor told me I should - whenever conducting an interview - I should get a rapport going -
Steven 2 - He could probably stand out here and tell you how hot it is without any instruments or anything.
Steven 1 - My editor? ... Or, no -
Steven 2 - What's your name again?
Steven 1 - Uhh, St-Steven.
Steven 2 - Do you stutter often, Kevin?
Steven 1 - Uhh, no. And, um, my name is actually -
Steven 2 - You and I have a lot in common, Kevin.
Steven 1 - Yes, like first names.
Steven 2 - My name's not Kevin!
Steven 1 - Neither is -
Steven 2 - You should really -
Steven 1 - mine.
Steven 2 - pay attention.
Steven 1 - So, Steven, where do you get your ideas?
Steven 2 - Yep. A lot in common. We're both writers ... well, I assume you're a writer.
Steven 1 - I am.
Steven 2 - Have I read you in anything?
Steven 1 - Well, I run this website, Sycophant Picnic.
Steven 2 - Oh. I don't believe I'm familiar.
Steven 1 - We ... we commissioned this interview.
Steven 2 - You did?
Steven 1 - Yes. I talked to you personally.
Steven 2 - No, no I talked to some guy named Stephen.
Steven 1 - Yeah, that was me.
Steven 2 - Kevin, look, you didn't have to use a fake name to try and impress me.
Steven 1 - I didn't! I -
Steven 2 - Anyway, you'll let me know when we've started the interview, right?
Steven 1 - Certainly. How about -
Steven 2 - Because I've got some things I could be doing.
Steven 1 - I understand. How about now?
Steven 2 - Go ahead.
Steven 1 - Steven -
Steven 2 - Yes, Kevin.
Steven 1 - Where do you get your ideas for the things you write?
Steven 2 - Do you want the long answer or the short?
Steven 1 - Either one.
Steven 2 - Well, they just sort of come to me.
Steven 1 - Would you care to elaborate?
Steven 2 - Can we go off the record with this one?
Steven 1 - Of course.
Steven 2 - You look really familiar, Kevin.
Steven 1 - Steven.
Steven 2 - Have you ever seen that old Patty Duke Show?
Steven 1 - Can we get back to the interview?
Steven 2 - Yes, the interview. On with the record, my good man.
Steven 1 - What?
Steven 2 - Kevin, what would you say to me pleasuring myself right now?
Steven 1 - Please don't.
Steven 2 - Are you sure?
Steven 1 - Steven, are you on any prescription medication?
Steven 2 - I know a guy! He can get you anything you need.
Steven 1 - No thanks, I'm fine.
Steven 2 - Also does the weather.
Steven 1 - Yes, I think you mentioned him.
Steven 2 - Well, I don't know about you, but I think this interview went splendidly.
Steven 1 - But ... I only asked one question!
Steven 2 - Nonsense! We've been here for at least an hour and I'm sweating like a porpoise!
Steven 1 - We've been here not ten minutes -
Steven 2 - Oh, let's just agree to disagree.
Steven 1 - And porpoises don't sweat.
Steven 2 - Would you like an autograph?
Steven 1 - I ... fine.
Steven 2 - OK, Kevin.
Steven 1 - Please, make it out to Steven.
Steven 2 - OK ... "Stephen. Stay ... cool ..."
Steven 1 - Actually, it's spelled with a 'V'.
Steven 2 - "and ... don't ... P ... in my ... Ool. Your ... pal, Dennis ... Rodman."
Steven 1 - You're not Dennis Rodman.
Steven 2 - I know. But, by devaluing his autograph with all these counterfeits, I stand to increase the worth of my own.
Steven 1 - I hate to break it to you, but there really isn't much of a market for Dennis Rodman autographs anymore.
Steven 2 - Yeah. Now.
Steven 1 - Well, thanks ... Dennis.
Steven 2 - Steven.
Steven 1 - Yes, I know, I was -
Steven 2 - Then why'd you call me Dennis?
Steven 1 - I wasn't! I mean, because of the autograph and -
Steven 2 - Look, just because I write hilarious notes and sign them as Dennis Rodman doesn't mean I'm gonna start pulling down 19 boards against the New Orleans Jazz.
Steven 1 - Utah. They're the ... Utah Jazz.
Steven 2 - Nonsense! There's no music in Utah. Do your homework, son.
Steven 1 - Steven, what's next for your writing career?
Steven 2 - I'm thinking about opening a pizza shop.
Steven 1 - That's not really ... writing-related, though.
Steven 2 - I've always wanted to be surrounded by toppings all day, you know?
Steven 1 - Oh ... yeah. So, do you plan on writing a short story about a murderous pizza shop owner who carves up hobos and serves them on pies to his customers?
Steven 2 - What? No! Dammit, I want to make pizza! Real pizza; I don't want to -
Steven 1 - Then there could be this repeat customer who keeps ordering The Special - yeah, you could call the story, 'The Special' - and he keeps ordering The Special until he turns into this, like, Cannibal-Zombie creature, which leads to him stalking the pizza store owner, chopping him up and -
Steven 2 - Dammit! Pizza! This interview is over!
Steven 1 - having sex with the Pizza-Store-Owner Pie! Steven! Think about it!