Phil Hartman's Not Turbo Man: The Jingle All The Way Review.

After knocking out the final four episodes of Six Feet Under last night, I woke up this morning in a panic. THEY'RE ALL DEAD!!! Forever and ever!!! I needed to watch the most mindless movie the world has ever known.

Enter: Jingle All The Way.

It's pretty much got everything you could ever ask of a crappy Christmas movie. Convoluted plot, Arnold Schwarzenegger fighting midgets, Phil Hartman having sexy affairs with all the married women on his block, a snot-nosed kid with Daddy Issues, Sinbad as a crazy mailman, Jim Belushi as a ringleader in an underground toy mafia, Booger from Revenge of the Nerds, wanton commercialism coupled with toy greed and child brainwashing, Martin Mull with a ponytail.

But, I think what I'll remember most of all is near the end, at the parade, when Turbo Man's trusty sidekick Booster (a pink saber-toothed tiger kind of a guy-in-a-suit) is kicked off the parade float with Sinbad as evil Dementor saying, "Nobody likes you Booster!" This, of course, is followed by a bunch of little 10 year old kids running around, kicking the defenseless body of Booster while saying - I shit you not - "Nobody likes you fag!"

Nobody Likes You ... Fag. I went back and watched it twice, it's unmistakable.

Could that be the only time ever in a Christmas movie they've let someone get away with saying Fag, and a child at that?

Can I just say that I'm sickened and repulsed that I sat here for 90 minutes watching Jingle All The Way? And not because of the Fag thing, that was actually one of the funnier parts in its sheer audacity. It's like in Billy Madison - I am now dumber for having watched that. I award that movie no points, and may God have mercy on its soul. It really could've used more fight scenes; maybe Arnold in a Turkish prison and he's got to escape to get home to Minnesota in time for Christmas. I'd watch that; Arnold beating up foreigners for 90 minutes with Jingle Bell Rock playing in the background. Maybe he's got a trusty midget sidekick and as part of his escape he and the midget dress up as Santa and an elf and ask all the murdering prison guards what they want for Christmas before ramming their fists through their chests. Then he's captured by some big bad mob boss on the inside and just as he's about to suffer some Yuletide Prison Rape, Sarah Connor with a shotgun jumps into the fray, with a group of 12 robe-wearing T-1000s doing a choir rendition of Silent Night. It all ends with Arnold, the midget, and Sarah Connor - bloody and naked - running out of the prison in slow motion just as the bombs go off and they go flying through the air just in time for Santa to catch them and fly them back home so he can have Christmas morning with his kid. The end.