Kong Has Got Problems Too.

Kong, desperate to plead his case to the authorities on-scene, could only express his rationale in a series of grunts and yelps. Furious with his inability to communicate with the police, Kong jumped up and down, waiving his arms wildly, rattling nearby houses and crashing into various office buildings and street lights. Kong could form the thoughts in his head of why he had done what he did, but he could not express these thoughts in a way human beings could understand. There were no pencils large enough, but that was irrelevant, because he did not know how to write English words. The lack of proper vocal chords or a competent interpreter left Kong at, well, a loss for words. Could a human understand the movements and gestures of a giant gorilla?

The frightened humans, fearing they had enraged the beast, ran for cover as the gorilla threw his tantrum. Glass was falling, pieces of metal were hurtling towards the ground, chunks of buildings plummeted towards the panicking citizens below. Those with access to weapons tried to subdue the beast. Of course, the thrown rocks went unnoticed and the bullets barely nicked the beast.

The heavy artillery was on the way and Kong knew this. Realizing the unappreciative humans' fear clouded their judgment, Kong ran from the scene as fast as he could. One would not believe that a giant animal could hide from the people, but that was exactly what Kong did. Kong knew that the woods just outside of New York City would be the obvious place that they would look for him, so he hid out in an abandoned warehouse which once operated as a bomb-making plant during the second world war. Unfortunately, none of the arsenal remained, just dust and rats filled the immense building. Kong believed he was safe, but for only a little while, since the humans would eventually think to look here.

Thinking back, Kong could not figure out where he went wrong. After all, he only wanted to help the powerless humans with their crime problem. Perhaps his methods were a bit extreme, and maybe a few innocent bystanders met an untimely demise, but at least he got the job done.

Kong had been afraid of the humans for most of his life. He could not understand his fear, because they were so much smaller and weaker than him. Kong had observed them at a distance and noticed their destructive behavior and their inability to escape the "mob complex." They would surely overreact at his appearance in the city, which would lead to large moving machines firing their weapons upon him in an attempt to destroy the peaceful Kong. Kong's earliest memory was as a young gorilla sitting inside of his cave, watching two men with bright orange vests shooting deer and rabbits. A stray bullet ricocheted into his home and nipped his little monkey arm. The sting lasted for many days and Kong could not figure out how to make it stop. Kong knew that it would be best to remain hidden from the human population.

Still, Kong was fascinated with the humans and wanted to learn more about them. Within the last year, he had been making more appearances in the city of New York, wanting to immerse himself in the human culture. This was not easy for the apprehensive Kong, who came in the night when the only humans awake would be those who had been drinking or practicing in illicit activities. Either way, they were not believed by the general public, which was a "happy accident" for Kong, who just wanted to avoid as many humans as possible.

On this trip, Kong decided to actually go inside one of the buildings. Before, Kong had just looked at the houses in the suburbs, which he did not find very interesting. Kong could not distinguish between buildings in the downtown area, so he decided to visit one without many windows; believing that with more windows, there would be more people. Kong found an old stone building with pleasant looking animal figures on the roof and many sharp edges to help with climbing. This building was the public library, which Kong found to be empty in the middle of the night. Tired from his latest journey into the city, Kong rested behind a wall of books, in a large open area.

In the morning, Kong was roused by the rattles and hums of the computers being turned on at the front desk. Kong peeked around the corner and found an older lady preparing for the beginning of her workday. She was alone, so Kong decided to venture out and introduce himself. He crawled over to her while she was putting books onto a cart to be re-shelved. Kong tapped her on the shoulder as gently as possible, which consequently dislocated it. Already frightened that someone was in her library, she screamed and turned around. The smiling face of a giant gorilla was all she saw before the fainted right in front of him. Undaunted, Kong picked up her and the cart of books and climbed out of the library.

A splash of water revived the librarian, who found herself inside of a cave with the same giant gorilla. Kong forced a book into her hands and motioned to her with his hands. He wanted her to read it, obviously, so she did. Kong grunted in frustration and the librarian got the point that she was to read it out loud. This book was a collection of poems written by Jim Hall. Kong sat back contentedly against the cave wall as she recited the poems. Eventually, she read to him the poem "Maybe Dats Your Pwoblem Too." This stood out as an important piece to him, because he did not like who he was very much either, but there was nothing he could do about it. After three straight days of recitation, the librarian finished with all of the books on the cart. She could barely speak and she had been deprived of sleep, food, and water. The librarian was in no shape to be returning to the city, so Kong ate her and spit out her bones. After hearing all of those books (he liked the fiction works of Hemmingway and Twain the best), Kong could not forget the poem about Spiderman so he decided to do something about his life. A change would do him well, so he decided to be a hero like Spiderman. That way, the humans would respect him and accept him as a friend.

Kong went into town the next day to find a person who would make him a costume. He had learned a great deal about New York City from a book entitled The Visitor's Guide to New York City. With the included map, Kong found a fabric store where he could get his outfit. The customers inside of the building ran in fear of the beast, but the proprietor of the establishment could not escape. The woman would not stop screaming and crying, so Kong pulled his middle finger back and thumped her on the head. She became dizzy and collapsed into Kong's hand. She woke up minutes later and Kong set her down in a chair.

Deciding against the full body suit, Kong presented a picture of Spiderman he had found in a comic book store and pointed to the face. Eventually, the lady realized that the gorilla wanted a mask. After she finished measuring his head, she started sewing together the material. The process took quite a while, but Kong sat in her store patiently. When she finished, about ten hours later, he swallowed her body whole and left the building. On his way home, Kong found an empty police car in the driveway of a house. Kong pushed it all the way back to his cave, which was only three miles from where he found it. After hanging up his mask, Kong sat down and waited for a crime to come over the car's radio.

As soon as Kong heard that there was a hostage situation in a Bank of America building downtown, he put on his mask and ran to the scene. Avoiding as much traffic as possible, Kong ran down alleys and through residential areas. Only a few small pets and children were crushed under his large feet, but Kong paid no attention to these unfortunate circumstances. A gigantic gorilla wearing a Spiderman mask arrived onto the scene to the surprise of many preoccupied officials. They tried to ignore the out-of-breath animal who was panting behind them, as their minds were with the hostages. Kong wondered why the police did not just go inside of the building and kill the bad people. Instead, they were speaking through a bullhorn towards the building and standing around. Wasting no time, Kong leapt to the top of the building, and smashed the roof open with his massive fists. The building fell on most of the hostages, injuring many and killing four. Kong reached for the men with the guns and grasped them in his hands. The two men suffocated under the pressure of his grip, and their blood and organs spewed out from their various orifices. The two squished lumps were handed over to the police and Kong made a dash for his cave.

The media absolutely loved the idea of a heroic gorilla saving twenty hostages and killing the terrorists. Even though his methods were unsound and four innocent people died, the public loved having their own hero. Upon returning to the city the following morning, Kong was greeted with cheering fans lining the sidewalks. The mayor gave Kong a key to the city and held a banquet in his honor. Kong happily accepted the honor of being New York City's resident hero. From that day forward, if there was any crime the police could not handle, a signal would be given to Kong and he could save the day. Modeled after Bat-Signal in Gotham City, the "Monkey Signal" was erected just outside the mayor's office, and only he could turn it on. Kong was so happy that he made a change in his life and the people had accepted him.

Kong returned to his cave after the dinner, excited that he could contribute something to the friendly humans. After a week, though, Kong had not thwarted one crime and was getting restless. Bored with cave-life, Kong went into the city looking for a crime. Kong did not know who to look for, but understood the breaking of a law reasonably well. In the cart of books, the librarian read to Kong The Handbook of Basic Law Terms, which described certain acts that are not allowed under the laws of this country. The first criminal Kong met was a sixteen year old boy walking down a sidewalk. Kong knew that the boy should be in school, so he decided to punish the miscreant. The good people of New York did not need delinquent children running around, so he picked him up and bit off the child's left arm. The bleeding, distraught boy ran home crying. That would teach him and his friends a lesson about skipping school. Kong was happy with his work, so he continued on his search for more criminals.

Kong's next target was a wino who was creating a disturbance in a Burger King. The confused man was yelling at the customers so the manager tried to escort the man out. When the wino became uncooperative, the manager called the police. However, Kong reached the building first and decided to do the job for them. Unable to understand the ranting of the drunken derelict, Kong picked him up and threw him across the street, smashing him into a neighboring apartment building. His splattered guts held him to the side of the brick building for five seconds before he peeled off and fell to the ground. Everyone in the establishment was screaming and running about, yet Kong could not understand why. He had returned convenience to their lives by ridding them of the wino, right? Then, why were they so upset?

He forgot all of this as he heard police cars tearing through the city. Kong believed that they were looking for him, perhaps to give him another job. Four police cars screeched to a halt outside of the Burger King as Kong exited the restaurant. One of them was yelling through a bullhorn again, but Kong could not understand what he was saying. This was when Kong held his tantrum and fled to the warehouse. He could hear all the people running in the direction of the woods with their torches, pitchforks, shotguns and canisters of mace.

When he heard what sounded like canons firing on his cave, Kong decided to flee the hideout and run for higher ground. Once he started running again, though, the humans detected him and started to chase him. Some humans caught up to Kong on their mopeds and bicycles. Their puny weapons were once again inflicted upon Kong with minimal results. The burning torches thrown at his back singed his fur and irritated his skin, though. Kong needed a place to hide and protect himself, so he decided to find a tall mountain where he would have the advantage in a possible combat. As he ran, he could only think of the Jim Hall poem. How Kong longed to burn his suit, then all his problems would disappear. But, his suit was also "fwame wesistent." And you can't just quit being sometin like KONG.