Take My Breath Away.

Shut UP! Just shut up right now! You're telling me that Nick Lachey, THE Nick Lachey - of Jessica Simpson, MTV, Newlyweds fame - has purchased 1/3 of the Tacoma Rainiers??? Shut UP!!!

I'm not gonna lie to you, this is a boon for our little local baseball team! Are you kidding? Nick "I've Had More Hollywood Starlet Poontang In One Day Than You Could Ever Dream Of In Your Life" Lachey! In Tacoma! I'm tellin' ya, I'm swooning at this news. This guy is, like, my idol! I mean, just imagine it: He's had his face in between Jessica Simpsons huge jugs, and he's probably done that thing where he shakes his head "No" really fast in between 'em while saying, "Hubububububbub." Just ... I mean, can you IMAGINE IT?

I think, as one of those between-innings baseball contests, they should get a big inflatable Jessica Simpson bust and wheel it out on the field, stick it at first base, and have little kids field ground balls at short stop and whip them into the gigantic hole in her head. It would be FAN-tastic!

The Tacoma Fucking Rainiers, man. Unbelievable! Did you know they talked about that on CNN yesterday morning? That braindead morning news team, talking about the Tacoma Fucking Rainiers! You know the Everett Aquasox are bitterly jealous. Somewhere in Everett right now, there's a team owner on the phone with Joey Fatone or something. Oh yeah? Well, WE GOT NICK LACHEY!!! Who's that singing the national anthem for the 27th time this season ... WHY IT'S NICK LACHEY, MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!!!

Everett Aquasox ... psssh! They couldn't even get fellow 98 Degreer DREW Lachey! Pussies.