A Letter & A Biography (Movie Theater Collective Story Submission)

Dear Big Fucking Corporation,

My name is Clyde Allison. I'm 29 and a half and I've been working at _________ Theater for what seems like forever. OK, maybe not "forever" but definitely since High School. Working my way up from sweeper to ticket taker to vending to my ultimate position, PROJECTIONIST (three months ago today), has been the most fulfilling aspect of my life. I could never imagine working anywhere else. The people are amazing (however seemingly leaving as quickly as they arrived), the management has been superb (sticking with me for so long, allowing my talents to develop to peak efficiency, entrusting me with the quality of the movie-going experience to so many dedicated film lovers). In short, I love this place. Hell, I even lost my virginity in that very projection booth! Tell me THAT would've ever happened had I not ascended to such an esteemed position within the community!

Which is why I'm so dismayed that you're planning on buying our little theater and perverting it with your "expansion" and "growth". I'm not just worried about my own job (though, for your consideration, I've enclosed my resume; I think my experience at this sort of work should warrant me an interview at least), but I'm worried about what you're going to do with the place. I mean, will we still show quality movies we can all be proud of? Will we still have 'Porno Saturdays' and 'Kiddie Movie Sunday Afternoons'?

I know others with equally strong ties to ________ Theater have similar concerns and are planning demonstrations leading up to the ultimate overtaking. I'm a professional, so of course I'll be manning the projection booth; but I'll wear a black armband around my left bicep in solidarity.

I implore you, please don't jeopardize the integrity of _______ Theater. I've always told people who think about coming here, "The popcorn may be stale, the hot dogs may barely pass health code restrictions, the floor may be distressingly sticky and the bathrooms may stink of fecal matter, but it's the MOVIES that make the theater." And, I'll tell you, thinking back to the record number of people we drew for the opening night of "Showgirls", it still brings a tear to my eye.

I thank you for your consideration, and please, consult the references I've enclosed. Seriously, I'll do anything, just please don't fire me. I don't think my mom and her new husband are willing to take the financial hit should I become unemployed. They've already revoked my television privileges ever since my girlfriend and I woke them up by having sex too loudly.

Ever defiant in the pursuit of status quo,

Clyde Allison