I imagined chopping your head off with a machete.

Ugh, that plum pudding is nasty. And I'm fucking high, I should be able to eat the jam inside my toe-nails.

I sit all day in my crib, absorbing all you give, I'm helpless!

Everyone, go get high and watch I Heart Huckabees. Do it now. Do it long and hard and do it twice because you just came prematurely. That movie's great and it's even greater the second time (that's what she said).

I have to go now because I'm going back to the start. Do you remember when

Hip Hop HURRAY, ho-HAY ho HAY ho HAY

was a number one jam? And Yo! Mtv Raps and Ed Lover and the real Dr. Dre and Headbanger's Ball was hosted by Ricki Rachman who was in the November Rain video with Guns N' Roses, who employed Shannon Hoon of Blind Melon to sing backup on Don't Cry, who was in the video just after Izzy Stradlin left the band and sealed the fate of my favorite band. I discovered Primus on Headbanger's Ball. And Kurt Cobain wore a yellow dress on there because it's Headbanger's Fucking Ball and that's all we metalheads had for a good nine year run there. Mtv died in my eyes the day that show was cancelled in 1994. I watched that channel fucking religiously with my aunt when she lived with us in the late 80s and I'd watch new Alice Cooper videos and crappy Warrent "Cherry Pie" and "I Saw Red" videos, and Deee Lite had that video with the dude who had yellow pants and played the slide whistle. Fuck man, those were great times.


That was the slogan for people who had cable, but wasn't offered Mtv. Can you imagine it? Your cable service not having Mtv? No you can't! Because in the 80s, they didn't have it in Port Townsend! Everyone always remembers Mtv, because for everyone else, it was always there, because they didn't come into it when it had actual Vee Jays and they ONLY played videos, and it was more like a visual radio station than a fucking infomercial for fucking celebrities and screaming fucking teenagers and whores who want to be on television so they do these fucking reality show fucking stunt games. They only played videos and they had the occasional Remote Control game show and then it was BACK to the fucking videos! Now it's all shit, it's all fucking shit because they want to run with the times and the times say you can't just have fucking music and you can't just break new artists, you have to play the same fucking bits of videos on TRL and they have to be by Mariah Carey and fucking Justin Timberlake and fucking Britney Spears and fucking My Chemical Romance because THAT'S what they think the people want! But, you know what? You know fucking what! If they'd give us a choice, if they'd actually let the PEOPLE decide for themselves by showing them EVERYTHING that the music industry has to offer, from big to small, then bands can get a chance. You think Jane's Addiction, if they came out today, would get a break? You think Faith No More, you think fucking PEARL JAM, if they came out today, they'd get the same crack with the system we've got in place now? Think again! You've got to fit the corporate fucking model and play fucking ball otherwise you get the heave fucking ho!

And yet, somehow, someway, the talent rises. It's very much less often now. Not like in the early 90s when TONS of new bands were getting their break. Now, it's one or two, and it's rare. The White Stripes and The Mars Volta are rarities nowadays. For the hundreds of groovy fucking bands out there, maybe one, maybe two, maybe a small handful, a nutsack-sized handful of artist will get their break who are ACTUALLY worth the $15 fucking CD price.

And all the shit, all the Crossfade, all the fucking Ciara, all the fucking Kelly Clarkson, they play ball and they get the free pass. They advance to fucking GO and they GET their fucking $200 and they keep right on going, right on dominating with their Light Purple monopoly, while the rest of them have to scrap with a couple railroads and the Water Works. It's bullshit, it's all fucking bullshit.

And I'll tell you another thing, chain stores like Target and fucking Wall Mart and the K-Marche with their fucking novelty fucking CD sections, essentially offering only the greatest hits and NONE of the back catalogue of my favorite artists, that ain't right either. Chinaman is not the preferred nomenclature, Dude, and the Motley Crue greatest hits album they offer has NONE of the ACTUAL greatest hits!