A List of Things I Know I COULD Eat Out of Meg White's Ass ....

... thanks to the fact that I've seen IT or her doppelganger's ass on a sex tape.

It all comes full circle; everything I've ever wanted in life is there waiting to be eaten from Meg White's lucious ass

When I first thought about writing about this, it never even occurred to me to do it here. "That's not about music!"

Yeah, well she's in a band, and that chick in the video looks awfully like her, so bugger off!

I wish music news could be simply about the music, but that's not the day we live in. AND, even if this WASN'T the day, even if it was the golden age of the 50s or 60s and we had this kind of technology, people then would be lapping up the stories about Jimi Hendrix fucking groupies or Elvis Prestley's reality show about snorting drugs and shooting guns. So, don't pretend the world has gone to crap; it's just that technology has finally caught up with our voyeuristic tendencies.

So, I know, it's TOTALLY embarassing for the women of these leaked celebrity sex tapes - Oh My GOD, people are watching me naked and having sex and masturbating to me naked and having sex!!! Well, you know what I say to that? It's your own damned fault! Unless you were taped in secret (which is like almost never the case), then you never should've done it in the first place if you didn't want it leaked.

What, did Meg White have all the trust in the world in this fella? Did she think they were going to be together forever and get married and never ever EVER break up? Did she think he hid his sex tapes inside Fort Knox or something?

People break up. That's just what happens. And WHEN people break up, if it's particularly nasty (or if they think they can make a buck), then they'll spread around the sex tapes you made while together to get back at you.

People have their shit stolen too! All the time! Especially when you're a celebrity female and there's word among the scumbag's friends that there's a sex tape floating around his apartment.

Here's what I don't get: what's the fucking point of MAKING a sex tape? Answer me this: do you go back and watch old home movies of you and your family when you were younger? Like, MAYBE one time ever if you have absolutely nothing else to do and you're feeling particularly lonely or nostalgic? So, when do people spend time watching their own sex tapes? Is it right before a future night of sex to get you horny? Are people so vain that they have to watch themselves getting off so they can get horny again? Is it for technical prowess, like someone taping his golf swing looking for mechanical mistakes in his motion?

Porno is made for a reason. Generally, the people are better looking, the camera work is more accurate, the lighting is better ... I mean, let's just say it: pornos are more professional. You turn it on, you jack it off, you go on about your business. Why would anyone want to look at some dark, poorly lit, flabby-bodied couple on a stationary camera doing the nasty while furiously trying to stay within the frame?

I'm not condemning the practice; I'm just saying, don't get so emotional about it when it leaks. You knew what you were doing, you HAVE to know the risk - since you're a pseudo-celebrity - and while you don't necessarily deserve the consequence, it never would've happened if you didn't think with your loins. And no, this isn't the same as blaming the rape victim for wearing seductive clothing; you made a conscious decision to videotape yourself doing the nasty, now sleep in it.

Consider this my I Told You So to any future victims of Celebrity Sex Tape Internet Leak