Why was Michael Jackson shopping at K-mart? He heard boys' pants were half off
Legions and legions of fans all around the world rejoice!
Hey, you know what? I'm not afraid to admit it, for a goodly period of time, from around 1985 to around 1991 or '92, I was a fan of Michael Jackson. I cowered in fear as a young boy when the Michael Warewolf came out in the moonlight in the Thriller video. Had me some nightmares somethin' fierce. Who knew, as a young boy, I should've just been cowering in fear? OK, enough. Enough! He's innocent. Just like murder wasn't the case with Snoop Doggy Dogg, just like the glove didn't fit with the acquitted O.J., just like Suge Knight had nothing to do with Biggie's slaying ... wait a minute, nevermind. Stay strong, my pale-faced brotha! You could still sell records in Romania ...
In all seriousness, though, Jacko doesn't have it all bad. Sure, his reputation with the hipsters is shot, and his King of Pop throne's grown rather dusty, but he's still a hoot for all those in denial. Let's think about it here, if he really wanted to, if he decided to use his celebrity to his advantage, MJ could still find some actual hetero-ass. It's really hard to wrap this concept around my melon, that a guy accused of molesting little boys could still approach Wilt Chamberlain's sex-count if he REALLY wanted to, and I'm sitting here, not even able to COUNT to 10,000+, let alone ...
I can't seem to finish a paragraph with a fucking period ...
Of course, I'm not one to pass judgment on an innocent man. I mean, after all, the prosecution had a shit argument. Their witnesses were flawed to say the least. And, of course, OF COURSE you blame the parents. There's just no denying that. People like to ask, "Would you let YOUR kids sleep over with Michael Jackson?" If I had some young 'uns runnin' around, I'd be inclined to answer, "Who WOULDN'T throw their kids in Michael's bed with a bottle of Andres and a few issues of 'Big 'Uns'?" Dig it, there's MILLIONS at stake in the deal! Just ask the kid in '93 who got paid off to the tune of 20 mil. Is that worth a little child psychotherapy? Man, I'm telling you, talkin' nuttin but PROFIT. I only hope the fruit of my own loins nets me that kind of gain. Kinda reminds me of this great Family Guy quote ...
Anyone who WOULDN'T pretend their own son is dying to get the Gumbles back on TV is a racist; there, I said it
As for the outcome, let us consult the wise-beyond-his-crappy-movies Chris Rock:
If O.J. drove a bus, he wouldn't even be O.J. -- he'd be Orenthal the bus-driving murderer
Because that's what it boils down to, doesn't it? When you're able to snap up the entire Beatles catalogue from under Paul McCartney's wide-eyed, hand-rubbing, money-grubbing British nose, you're able to pet a few underage male asses at your own theme park ranch and come out cleaner than a professionally bleached porno ass ...
But, then again, I suppose anyone could look halfway normal when standing next to Papa Joe Jackson, with the perpetual tongue-in-ass shocked look from so many facelifts. You'd think the originator, the creator of the Jackson 5 would have enough sense to take a look at his own children and think twice about all the plastic surgery ...
Now, you've just gotta wonder what's next. Will Michael do the sensible thing and just fade out to oblivion? Will he EVER see the light and STOP helping children? For an adult whose only real objective has been to regain his lost childhood, he's put himself through so much grown up shit. When will he realize what the rest of the world has grown oh so accustomed to: people shouldn't be helped because people are scum who don't WANT to be helped; so stop feeling sympathetic for ungrateful bastards who, after being given thousands upon thousands of dollars, not to mention dinner and shelter, simply REFUSE to keep their damned mouths shut when all you want is for their children to put out a little? Come on, you're a dying cancer kid with no hair, you've just been given steak and lobster, a couple glasses of merlot (I'm NOT drinking any FUCKING merlot!), and all the free porn your 10 year old hand can handle, you KNOW it's your dying wish to have my curious fingers down your pajama bottoms.
Of course, that's just my opinion, I could be wrong ...