An Over The Top Action Movie.

But I'll leave you with this image today as I go about trying to stay awake since I was up until 1am watching all of these things last night: Me, arm-wrestling the air (and struggling mightily), as I watched Sylvester Stallone star in "Over The Top".

Have you ever Air-Arm-Wrestled? It's kinda like Air-Guitar only MORE retarded looking. But, this movie is so good, it gets me so pumped up, I had to arm wrestle something (and, I had to arm wrestle something I could actually defeat).

Now, I thought this was the movie where there were two guys arm wrestling and somebody's bone gets broken through the skin; but maybe I'm thinking of something else. Either that, or I downloaded some sick edited-for-television version of Over The Top. All I could think about in the final ten minutes of the movie was, "This ain't Rocky; if you don't win now, there won't be a fucking sequel." And to my knowledge, there hasn't been. Good thing too, because I couldn't take one more minute of that damned kid.

This is the thing about every action movie ever made: They're like porno for men ... only without the nudity ... sometimes ... I mean since porno already IS for men ...

Let me start again. Action movies are like the exact OPPOSITE of pornos (except when there's nudity). They're geared towards men, but they're geared towards their fantasies of masculinity as opposed to their fantasies of sexuality. When a guy watches Rambo, he wishes he WAS Rambo, with the greasy hair and the big biceps and the machine gun taking out the fucking terrorists. Guy watches Rocky, he thinks he can box; guy watches Over The Top, thinks he can arm wrestle everyone; guy watches Bloodsport, he's ready for his karate lessons. Since Action movies are geared specifically for men, that means there's only one thing men want to see when watching one: ACTION!

So, why does every Action movie ever made have the same non-essential elements: a family in trouble, a woman who doesn't understand why he has to go and fight, cheesy 80s music, a plot, characters, some cause to fight for, a moral or multiple morals or life lessons, a montage to speed things along, talking. Why do they have these things when we only want to see sweaty guys drinking motor oil and arm wrestling? Why does every Rocky movie have anything BUT boxing and training montages? Why would you ever go more than five minutes without The Terminator on camera? Why the hell does Jack Bauer even HAVE a daugher?

These are the questions somebody needs to answer someday. These are the questions people need to have on mind when they're making the next great Action movie. One of these days, I want to see nothing but pulse-pounding excitement from start to finish. No story, no morals, women only there for being naked and having sexual relations and asking ZERO questions, any and all children dying in a giant barn fire, everywhere you go guys are lifting weights and working out for their next mission, Kurt Russell and Bruce Willis having a staring contest to see who has the most intense eyes, Ray Jackson breaking bricks with his forehead while yelling, Jean Claude Van Damme doing the splits while connected to those ropes, every once in a while we see things through the Predator's eyes for no reason, the Jaws music comes on even though we're nowhere near water. Seriously, put me in charge of the perfect Action movie. It'll be 90 minutes of explosions, violence, hot sex, bad guys slapping women around and later getting their just desserts, maybe some catfights over the hero with hair pulling and titties jiggling, lots of cheesy 80s music montages of training and heroes coming together to fight the common enemy, and every other word out of somebody's mouth will be either "Shitbag" "Motherfucker" (only, like the Germans in Die Hard, so it'll sound like "muzzafuckah"), or "Asshole" (only, like Arnold in the Terminator movies, so it sounds like "ass whole", really Austrian like).