The Slapdash Pearl Jam Review.

"What's this?" the security dude said as he felt my bottom left shorts pocket.

I tried to think fast, but thinking in and of itself was not an option after a fruity Cherry Bomb and four Double Whiskey Sours at the Main Street bar in Portland. Only in the car ride home could I manage to come up with "an inhaler" as my only viable option.

But, I said, "Uhh, my keys?"

"They don't feel like keys," the security fuck said to my dismay. Knowing that if I revealed the pipe with the freshly loaded bowl of marijuana, I'd most certainly be ejected from the venue hours before I intended on leaving, I decided to not press the issue any further by making a stinky scene. So, I turned around, walked out, and told Caitlin I'd be back in a minute.

As I walked around, I looked for some friendly shrubbery with which to conceal my paraphernalia during my absence. As I wandered, drunk and alone, Caitlin called and asked where the fuck I was. "He palmed my weed, I have to hide it. I think I'm just gonna stick it behind one of your tires." And so I did. And it was still there upon our return 'round midnight.

David Cross was funny, as one might suspect; though don't try and tempt me into repeating anything he'd said, as I have a memory like a tumor when it comes to those sorts of things. He did, however, give a rather lengthy imitation of a Jewish mohel (I think that's supposed to be how it's spelled . . . pronounced fucking "moil" all right?) sucking whatever it is he's supposed to suck from the penis of an 8-day old Jewish male. Don't ask me why he was giving us that before Sleater-Kinney was to come on; and don't ask me why it was SO damned hilarious.

And come on they did, less than a month before what is to be their final show on August 12th. Super awesome, though they only played like five freaking songs!

Pretty much the crossover audience for a Sleater-Kinney show and a Pearl Jam show consists of Caitlin, myself, and maybe a dozen others. Everyone else was either in the shitter, in line for drinks, or sitting on their fucking thumbs while the 14 of us stood and rocked out hard core with our cocks out.

Let me just say this, if you're a Pearl Jam fan, you're never gonna go wrong with any of their shows. Abbreviated, sure, with the two openers, but spectacular nonetheless. I do have my gripes, but definitely not solely with Pearl Jam. I'm just not a fan of ANYONE trying to cover "All Along The Watchtower" for a number of reasons. First and foremost, it's been done the best by Jimi Hendrix, so when you try to cover his version of Bob Dylan's classic, you're getting second-rate performing by default. So, what does Pearl Jam, Dave Matthews, and anyone else do with "Watchtower" when performing it live? They balloon it up to 11 minutes with guitar solos to beat the band to compensate for the fact that they're NOT Jimi. It's not necessary.

But, like I said, that's small potatoes. PJ did "Blood", "Why Go", and a fucking sweet version of "Even Flow" with drum solo. AND, they got everyone out on stage for "Rockin' In The Free World". You can always tell the person with absolutely no musical talent (David Cross) when you've got someone up there with a tambourine. They give the fuck-ups a tambourine or a cowbell and a stick and stick them about as far away from a microphone as humanly possible. It's the only way. That was awesome. And they had the guitarist from the Smiths out there too.

And, since it was Stone's birthday, they sang the song and let him take lead vocals on "Don't Gimme No Lip."

I'm here now, it's 13 minutes short of three am and I've gotta get up in five hours to go drive to camping. I've got, like, 11 confirmed guests to my bossome party next Friday. Don't worry, punch and pie will be a-very-fucking-plenty. I've got to go get some shut eye, but since I'll have a humongous camping post upon my return, I felt I had to get this out while it's still fresh.

Portland, man, it was SERIOUSLY like a second Seattle. They even have a Plaid Pantry! Bollocks