I can't focus. It's all things Super Bowl right now.
The latest news? We've just been handed the kiss of death. It's over. You can pretty much bank on the Steelers rolling all over the Seahawks. Shannon Sharpe, in his NFL.com article (apparently, he can write . . . something's fishy here) has picked the Seahawks to beat the Steelers.
Let me explain to you the ramifications of this tragic event. Shannon has picked against the Steelers in every post season game this year. At a young Cincinnati team, at a too-rested Indy team, and at a Denver team that crapped its pants after seeing the Steelers knock off two of the three best teams in the league, on the road, back to back, without wincing. Shannon Sharpe is the dumbest man alive (and I'm pretty sure I could dig up a few corpses with better sense and vocal skills). Like, if I were to rank the top three dumbest men in the world, number one would be George W. Bush, followed by the host of Mtv's Gauntlet 2, and then Shannon Sharpe.
On ESPN Classic today, they're showing 30-minute recaps of all the Super Bowls up to this point. You KNOW that's the most satisfying hour on television when you get to see the Denver Broncos smothered in back to back Super Bowls by the Giants and Redskins. To see the Denver Elways . . . I mean Broncos (so hard to distinguish between horse brands) go down hard, go down long, go down swallowing and begging for more, it just gives me the giggles.
So, I have a plan, in the event that the world collapses on itself and the Seahawks actually pull this one out. I'm gonna be the bigger man in this Steve vs. Mark feud we've got going; I'm gonna buy Mark a year's subscription to the Seattle Seahawks Fan Club. It's only right. God, how funny would that be, in a couple weeks to get his Seahawks Starter Kit with the crappy magazine touting the new Super Bowl champs?
But, it's time. HOW will the Seahawks fuck up this week and blow the game? Well, first of all, Matt Hasselbeck will suddenly get the shits and miss the first two series of the game while on the can (the Steelers, having spiked his Gatorade with laxatives, will know what's going down, win the coin toss, and decide to kick off, FORCING the Seahawks to go to their second quarterback). Seneca will come in, throw two picks, both turning into Steelers touchdowns.
Down 14-0 early, Hasselbeck will make his triumphant return and, slowly but surely, the Seahawks will climb back into the game. Not before being down 28-3 at halftime, though.
However, a quick stop at the beginning of the third will put the Seahawks on the march. We'll pull to 28-24 with three minutes left and 80 yards to march. Now, we know the Seahawks lead the league in 80-yard scoring drives this season, so no worries, right?
Damn skippy, in a little over a minute, with the Steelers floundering under the quick-count no-huddle offense, the Seahawks drive and score with Jerramy Stevens nabbing a Dwight Clark-like touchdown in the back of the endzone.
However, the Steelers and the refs will decide the outcome of this game. On the ensuing drive, Big Ben will throw three picks that are returned for touchdowns. The first time, a flag is thrown ten seconds later for a supposed "illegal contact" that no one can see from replays. Holmgren is understandably pissed, making his shakey-walrus face at the line judge, but he pulls it together before we're assessed a 15 yard unsportsmanlike penalty. The second touchdown is called back because Rocky Bernard had a finger over the line of scrimmage. Holmgren's incensed now. He charges the field, but before he can get to the umpire who called the bullshit, he clutches his heart and goes down in a heap. However, since Holmgren is so slow and runs like old people fuck, none of the refs notice his presence on the field in time. The next play is started, and once again, a pick returned for a touchdown, called back once they realize Holmgren has died of a heart attack a foot and a half over the sideline. The Seahawks, without their coach, still manage to pull a turnover off on the very next play, and this one simply cannot be disputed as it's a muffed center-quarterback exchange that fell into Wistrom's hands. The Seahawks, with the ball and no competent man to call the plays, decide to chuck it down field instead of kneeling three times to end the game. Enter Willie Williams. He slams into Shaun Alexander (who's had an MVP-type game with 154 yards rushing and two touchdowns), knocking the ball loose. Joey Porter comes up with the ball and he's chugging down the field, only to be caught from behind by Steve Hutchinson. As Porter's going down (that's what he said), he throws the ball helplessly up in the air only to fall into . . . Willie Williams' hands. Willie runs it the rest of the way for a touchdown and a game-clinching victory.
Willie is also the game's MVP as he's made 22 solo tackles, three sacks, and the forced fumble and touchdown. The following season, the Seahawks pony up the big bucks to sign Willie for a 5-year deal worth 30 million dollars, including a 10 million dollar signing bonus. He's subsequently injured in the first pre-season game, never actually playing a meaningful game again.
I have a baaaaad feeling about tomorrow. Excited, surely, but a BAAAAAD feeling nonetheless. It always feels better to be favored and it ALWAYS feels better when you're not playing a team on such a hot run