Sicko Needs His Med-i-cal.

Over the weekend, I went to a Nude Beach. While there, dozens and dozens of supermodels got one look at my package and said they wanted to have me right there on the sand. As the Supermodel + Me = Superorgy commenced, I switched positions one, maybe two times and during one of the transitional periods, my foot happened to kick into the sand which uncovered one of those Magic Genie Lamps. Well, one thing led to another (namely, my leg got to thumping like that rabbit from the Bambi cartoon) and lo and behold a genie appeared!

The genie - cool dude, nothing like that freak from the Aladdin movies - decided to grant me three wishes. Well, since I was already embroiled in the Superorgy, I decided to look to other areas of my life that needed bettering. Wish 1: Scrooge McDuck's Moneybin. With all my financial woes covered; Wish 2: World Peace. After the genie and I had a good laugh about that one, I made my third and final wish.

Wish 3: catch a curable form of malignant cancer while living in France.

Now, I know what you're thinking: there are probably like almost a dozen cooler things in the world than getting a curable form of malignant cancer. This is true; the Superorgy being one of the almost dozen. Nevertheless, I just got out of the movie theater where I saw Michael Moore's new documentary "Sicko" and, I've gotta say, beating cancer in France ... pretty much can't be beat.

Like anyone can even know that!

The guy moved to America when he was 18 and lived here for 13 years before contracting cancer. He would've loved to have stayed here, but there was no way in hell he was affording the treatment bills. Thrust back into the loving French bosom, he received all the medical care he needed for free, then when he was fully cured after all the chemo and everything else, his doctor asked him if he was prepared to go back to living his normal workaday life. He said, "No, of course not! I just had fucking cancer, mate!" Only, you know, not with the Australian accent I'm imagining.

You know what the doctor did? He wrote him a prescription ... for three months' paid vacation! The government paid 65% of the wages he would've earned, his employer paid the other 35%, and this guy spent three months in South France living in the sunshine and the wine and the boating and everything else relaxing you can think of - Superorgies - and by the time his three months were up, he was fit as a motherfucking fiddle.

America is shit. Repeat: shit. While 50 million are without health coverage (me), there are 250 million supposedly covered by their insurance ... until they actually need to see a fucking doctor! Then, their insurance companies do everything in their power to search for any kind of loophole or mistake that would keep you from getting the coverage you need. They actually hire investigators to do this kind of work (I worked for them while at Nordstrom, only on the Worker's Compensation level).

You wouldn't believe the monsters in charge of seeing that you're "taken care of." Of course, it's no surprise that the privatization of health care started with Nixon and has only gotten worse through the Reagan and Bush administrations.

So, what's the big retort ... countries like Canada and England and France have to take it up the ass in taxes, right? Well, it can't be any more than what we're already paying to our own insurance companies! Only, in those other countries - and many many more like them - they never deny you the coverage you need. And here? They do everything in their power to fuck you over.

I'm not kidding when I say that I'm going to take steps to extricate myself from living in the United States. I don't know if it's Canada or somewhere in Europe, but I know one thing: I don't want to still be working when I'm 80 because I need somebody else to cover me and keep me alive with the medication I need. The elderly here have to deal with too much bullshit as it is. By the time I'm that old - should I manage to make it that far - it's only going to be worse.

Besides, if I keep stumbling on these Superorgies, I'm gonna need the government to cover me and all my venereal diseases.