Teddy woke up one day and decided to kill himself. Just not that day.
Teddy went to school and he was about to graduate. Four long years of college earning that English degree. Four long years of waste. Made his mommy proud. Made his daddy smile. Made his brother want to pick up the pieces of his faded mind and find find find.
Teddy wore that cap and gown with pride. Already a job lined up for the summer. Already income flowing through his veins. Already the words "how may I help you" tattooed into his vocabulary. Didn't take long for the institution to suck his soul dry.
Teddy walked down and took his seat among his classmates. To his left, "how many blondes do you need to change a lightbulb" to his right, "how much wood could a woodchuck chuck". Up front, "what would you say if I told you that from this day forward you'll look back to this point and say to yourself, my god, I am amazing", behind you, "remember our freshman year when we went to that party and that football player shoved his cock into your asshole, leaving you unsittable for a week?"
Teddy nodded off after a half hour of speech making. The words "the rest of your life" ringing in his ears. Flashbulbs exploding in a fit of feedback flatulance. Babies cry.
Teddy swam through the doctorates, the masters, the infinite amounts of schools graduating ahead of English: creative writer. To stand. To walk as a large anonymous group. To accept an empty diploma case. To push that tassel to the side with pride and exclaim as you lift your robe and flash the audience, marvelling at your three inches of manliness "I am a graduate. I didn't die in the four years I attended this dungeon for the oppressed, illiterate saps. I managed to crawl out of bed, out of urine soaked sheets, wading through bottles of brew and cans of sorrow, and my friend who puked inside of his own mouth, thus incapacitating him for the rest of eternity and I went to class two times a week! I did that with the grace and dignity only one who calls himself GRADUATE can exclaim. I did it for you mom."
Teddy accepted his steak dinner with a handshake and a smile for the camera. Teeth exposed, lips upturned, hair primped and curled. Not for Teddy.
Teddy removed the cap exposing the frailty which is his life. Thinning hair. Running out. Soon only skin will remain. And then a hole. And then a stream. And then a casket with a pillow and a quarter over each eye. Representing the tool which circumsized his will. Gone to another world a richer man. A burden no more in the eyes under those quarters.