Where Are The Wolves?.

I actually started writing today because I wanted to talk about the All Nite Werewolf Movie Marathon I attended at Pioneer Theater in the Lower East Side. From 9pm yesterday until 7 or 8am this morning, I sat and I watched. Six films.

So, considering this is the Saturday before Halloween - meaning, the last free night for most of us 9-5 working stiffs out there to get our groove thang on in the name of the Creepy Crawlies - I decided to get dressed up in a manner befitting a normal Halloween holiday. You know, I didn't want to show up in a t-shirt and pants and looking like an IDIOT! So, I wore:

My green Chilly Willy pajama bottoms
My big fuzzy gray wool socks
My brown sandals
My orange & white checkered collared shirt
My black and white 3 Stooges Tie
My green llama wool poncho
My light green knit cap
My $.99 oven mitt
My complimentary pair of 3-D glasses I got from this year's issue of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition
and My Geico draw-string backpack bag I got for free at this year's Bite of Seattle (which, at the end of the night, subsequently broke on me, thank you very much Geico)

Yeah, I was looking good and freakish on the LOOOONG ride from Astoria down to the Lower East Side. Which means - since I live in the blandest of the bland Astoria - that I was the ONLY good and freakish one riding the LOOOONG ride down. And, when I got to the theater, I was the ONLY one looking good and freakish in the theater (except for the guy who had regular clothes on and a werewolf mask on top of his head). Nice.

Where's the fucking Halloween Spirit, people??? I mean, I was surrounded by the film buff nerds I anticipated being surrounded by, but apparently they weren't the kind of risk-taking nerds who'd have the balls to wear Chilly Willy pajama bottoms with their Spongebob Squarepants Boxers on the OUTSIDE like I did!

And none of the movies we saw were in 3-D. And I didn't have a good explanation for my costume, so I started making things up (I'm an investment banker; I'm a wombat gynaecologist; I'm a corporate efficiency expert; I'm Superman's retarded cousin).

But, the films were pretty good. Actually, they were HILARIOUS even though none of them tried to be. 'The Howling' was this cheesy 70s or 80s movie about this rest-home in the mountains that's run by werewolves; 'The Company of Wolves' - directed by the same guy who did The Crying Game and Interview With A Vampire - was this bullshit early 80s movie starring Angela Lansbury that was a take-off of Little Red Riding Hood and totally sucked balls but still had its unintentionally funny moments. 'The Curse of the Werewolf' was actually a decent early 70s film set in Spain about this kid who was born out of wedlock on December 25th (which, apparently, makes you an abomination AND ergo a werewolf). 'Wolf' - starring Jack Nicholson and James Spader and Michelle Pfeiffer - blew so much ass it was incredible, but it was still funny watching Jack degrade himself in such a manner for the almighty buck. 'Teen Wolf' - starring Michael J. Fox - absolutely HAS to be ranked up there in all-time best teenage sports movies featuring werewolves. Plus, it has the fat foe in Pee Wee's Big Adventure (the rich kid who steals his bike). Finally, we watched 'Werewolf Vs. The Vampire Woman (a.k.a. Vampiros Lesbos)' and it's pretty much how it sounds: Grade A Cinema.

What have I learned about werewolves, you ask? Well, they may be the most frightening of all the horror genre monsters (because they're faster than mummies, fiercer than zombies, with fewer vulnerabilities than vampires), but I've yet to see a werewolf movie that was actually SCARY. I mean, come on! They can make a disfigured fuck with one eye scary, but they can't do the same for werewolves? Also, apparently you don't even need to be bitten by a werewolf to become one, as long as you're a bastard on Christmas. And, did you know that the love of a good woman will prevent a werewolf from turning into the beast during a full moon? Oh, oh, and they sweat a lot! I mean, every damn movie had the thing sweating buckets. And they regenerate like starfish and the silver bullet thing totally works, and they kick the asses of lesbian vampires and every movie about werewolves has an intricate scene where the man transforms into the animal. Doesn't matter how cartoonish the special effects, they will go all OUT in their 5-minute transformation while the victim stands there screaming politely in one spot.

Best part of the evening: at midnight, after the second movie of six, all of us went outside, found the moon high in the sky (because, as chance would have it, this weekend we're in a full moon period), and all howled at the top of our lungs for a minute or two. Fucking awesome, I bet we really freaked out some squares.

Hail Satan.