Why Does Yanni Suck So Bad?.

I was thinking yesterday about back when I was in the third grade and how my teacher used to play the music of Yanni for us while we took our tests even though she knew I despised it with a bloody passion. Of course, I don't know WHY I was thinking of Yanni, maybe I saw particularly large cockroach and thought to myself, "Now THERE'S something that'll never die."

What is it about Yanni, with his silk shirts and long hair and greasy moustache that makes me want to hurl garbage at him?

More importantly, why is this man so beloved, why does he continue to sell records, and why are his concerts overflowing like there's Michigan and Ohio State playing football down there with the Pope as line judge and the Virgin Mary handing out cups of Gatorade?

I decided to do some investigating, but in order to preserve my street cred (in case the feds decide to raid my home hard drive) and prevent the permanent tainting of my iPod, I'm watching some YouTube videos at work, with the sound down low.

First of all, are we sure that this guy and David Copperfield aren't the same person? I think that's what gets me the most about both of these men: everything they do is so dramatic, so passionate, so mystical.

Actually, I think I know why I resent Yanni (aside from, of course, his longtime relationship with Linda Evans). It's the fact that his fans buy his albums and watch his videos and all of a sudden think they've attained the status as a cultured elite because he sometimes incorporates a didgeridoo and opera singers from foreign countries. That's like saying you're a cheeseburger connoisseur because you eat quarter-pounders at McDonalds.

Look, this guy just rubs me the wrong way, all right? And if he doesn't do the same for you, just check out his "Reflections of Passion" video on YouTube. He's every thing to every woman and he's everything you'd ever want to snuff to any man.

I'm all for the piano and orchestras and all that, but when it comes to Yanni, you can stuff him in a sack and toss him off a bridge for all I care. It's impossible for me to listen to his music and not transform into a giant green monster smashing skyscrapers and kicking cars into monuments.

It's no surprise that he was once in a band with the likes of John Tesh. Maybe if Yanni had focused more on creating theme music for professional sports on television and less on sucking so bad, there might be some redeeming quality about him